Room change has ruined sex life

[Springsnail]

Basically,
We have a 3 storey house ..we were on the top floor at the back ..now we have our bedroom in the middle of the house .
There are teenagers / adult DC ..two in bedrooms above and two either side .
To get to their bedroom they have to walk past ours .
It's not a big house despite many rooms
I can not for love nor money relax enough for any action since we swapped rooms .
DC have girlfriends in and out at all hours as well ,walking past our room .
The rooms either side have DC who are home 24/7
In the great scheme of things it's not a problem..but DH can't be thrilled about this situation..
There is no opportunity to have the house to ourselves or to get away alone for a night ..it's taken two DC wherever we go ( difficult family situation)
I worry men leave sex less relationships ..so I need to do something

I think anyone would struggle to get into the right mood for intimacy if they also had to be concerned about an adult in the home becoming violent. It sounds like a very stressful situation.

So ....many....questions.....

Sounds like whatever configuration you go with, you are surrounded by other people and the creaky floors will creak wherever you are.

having to move rooms because one of your DC is violent seems like the show stopper here. Can't they move out and get their own place, or are they still under age? If so, then they need help.

Firstly you need to address the violence. Without knowing more no one can offer a solution about that, no one should be scared in their own home. It's not conducive to feeling in the mood for sex.
Secondly, for crying out loud, shut your bedroom door and put a lock on it. If you have another person who is at risk of violence then they need the same. I can't understand anyone keeping bedroom doors open, bathrooms and bathrooms are where you need privacy.

It sounds an untenable situation: a violent DC in the house, strangers wandering around the house at all hours, and the DC having sex when the OP and her H, the actual house holders are in a situation where they can't.
For a start the situation re the violence needs to be resolved and I certainly wouldn't be allowing strangers staying over night.

Wtf? This sounds like a bigger problem than the sex

Just start closing the door every night. If anyone asks - you can hear them all moving around, so want a bit of peace. Then make sure the headboard won't bang on the wall and enjoy yourselves again.

The violence thing is worrying OP. Seems like a bigger issue, but maybe not one you want to thrash out on MN, so I will ignore it and just go with what you've given us - but I do think solving that would be more of a benefit.

So - I would start by just start shutting the door all the time. Whenever you're in there, shut the door. So it doesn't become a thing you only do when you want to have sex. A lock would be good if you think they might just open the door on you.

You could also try some basic sound proofing. Nail down any creaky floor boards. Put down boards over the top if that doesn't work, recarpet with good underlay. Cork or fabric panels on the walls if necessary (and on the other side of your walls in your kids' rooms too. Tighten up, shim, muffle or change your bed if it's the source of noise. Put a curtain over the door partly to muffle sound, but also so even if DC do open it, there's more warning.

I'm also worried about your wording about "but DH can't be thrilled about this situation." and "I worry men leave sex less relationships ..so I need to do something" which doesn't seem to sound like you' actually want sex, but are just doing it to appease him. I don't know if this is something to open up - I appreciate that if you're in a situation where you have a violent child you may have a very difficult family life where the idea of being left (and presumably expected to then look after all the children by yourself) is particularly horrifying and you are desperate to avoid - but it could also be part of the inability to relax.

Your door should always be shut as a message to them to respect your privacy, I would not care if they knew I was shagging tbh albeit quietly, they are adult dc and have their own girlfriends coming over. You shoukd be granted privacy in your own house. Get a tv, put t on every night, shut the door every night too from now on.
also what does your husband think as this is an “us” problem and not just a “you” one.

This sounds really difficult. Not just the sex, but everything.

Have you room to put a potting shed/ "reading room" in the garden? Put a daybed in there, maybe a kettle etc if you can hook up electricity. The only question will be whether you want your dh disturbing your private retreat!

Reading between the lines it sounds like there is a Sen child at least. Not everyone gets to have an empty nest at any point in their life.

There are so many questions being asked that maybe helpful if she answered some of them to some degree then peeps could give more in depth answers, help and support as opposed to parroting about 'shut doors and getting on with it.'

You never shut your door ?
why not start to close the door at all
tine now . Then once it becomes the norm . Use your room for the purpose you need .

No chance of a night away either once a month ?

I didn't want to derail the thread
Mental health issues/ autism/ learning disabilities
Two of my DC will never live independently,need to be at home with carers
Two are fully independent, jobs / buying houses

In my dreams
No one to step in my shoes

Yes two

Sorry ,was sorting dogs

Yeah
I think so
I need to make it normal I shut my door
I just never have , because I need to be able to hear what's going in in the home incase I need to intervene

Oh OP that’s hard work .
I get what you’re saying about not wanting to shut door .
You & your husband deserve privacy in your own home though .
I guess open the door afterwards, I know you will say but then they will know .
What else can you do though ? , you’re in a shit position with no choice 🤷🏻‍♀️
They’re young adults like you say , I’m sure you guys won’t be putting on a show .
You close & lock your door for privacy & then unlock / open again .

Yes .
We need a lock on the door .
Just reminds me of the episode in modern family,where the kids walk in on Clare and Phil ,at it ..
And as a gift ,by their parents a lock for the door
Then the lock makes a loud noise every time the parents use it
Very funny episode

My top tip: Sat or Sunday morning before the young adults wake up. That's our strategy!

Get the violent person to leave, and get a lock for your bedroom door. Your relationship with your partner is important OP, prioritise it

The violent person has SEN it's not that simple.

Thanks for coming back to us OP, your updates are making things clearer now.

Yes @Springsnail I think start making it the norm to close your door. Just say the room change means it’s much noisier for you and you’re just getting used to things being different. As @k1233 said, make sure nothing can bang on the walls and see how you go.