Dating an Avoidant

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Hi all,

Needed to get this out somewhere as I feel like I'm metaphorically beating my head against a wall!!
Partner of 3 years, met online, don't live together. He's generally pretty rubbish at communication, I tend to get a running narrative of his day "Out shopping" etc rather than any actual back and forth.

What I'm really struggling with is that he quite frequently leaves me on read... I can cope with that, I appreciate sometimes people are busy and don't reply for a while, that's fine, but he will literally then send other stuff and avoid answering direct questions etc and it is resulting in me feeling totally ignored and overlooked. I have communicated this and I then get excuses like he was watching a film... But in the meantime he'll have been on Facebook etc.

I am beginning to notice that it's whenever it's anything more than surface level stuff. He is so classically Avoidant.

I guess I just need to get this off my chest, as when I raise things to him he is apologetic, but nothing changes!

Anyone dated an Avoidant and have any advice??? Thanks

I would be more concerned about the fact that you are dating for over 3 years and there isn't much movement on the relationship ( just speculating obviously). Can I ask how often do you guys see each other? From my perspective, he seems not invested in the relationship more than avoiding you.

No advice for this except that it's classic avoidant behaviour. Also, if you have an eye on what he's doing online instead of replying to you, you might have more of an anxious attachment style, and it's worth reading a bit about the experiences of other people in avoidant/anxious relationships.

Where do you want this relationship to go? Are you happy with the situation of essentially leading separate lives after three years, or do you want to settle down with this man and ultimately live together or marry?

I think that's the question you need to answer before you decide how to proceed.

It isn't really helpful to label him as 'avoidant'. There are two possible explanations - one, it's just the way he is, with everyone; or two, he doesn't particularly value you or prioritise you.

The bottom line is that your relationship isn't really going anywhere. If this is what you want - to do your own thing while enjoying his company/sex when it suits you both, then accept his lack of communication as a facet of what seems to be a very casual relationship. If you want more, a life partner, then I don't think he is it.

Yeah. You really don’t seem like a good match, rather the opposite

Yeah this sounds miserable. End it and find someone who actually likes and cares about you, and is able to show it.

Has he sought medical help for his disorder?

Exactly. It’s not working for you, so don’t waste any more time on it.

Yep he’s just not that into you but looks like no one else wants to take him off your hands.

So, undesirable and unavailable.

All I can say from bitter experience is don’t date an avoidant. Honestly unless they’re willing to go through extensive therapy it’s just painful.

OP can I ask...
Does he show interest in you, from your day, to your feelings, your interests, your future?
Does he just throw his hands up and go 'im not good with communication' or just goes 'im trying!!'
Lots of people will say 'im trying!!' When they are doing below the bare minimum ie. Maybe sending an extra text once in a while.

You dont need a perfect partner, but you also dont need a partner who says they are trying only when challenged..
When you want to solve a problem, you ask the other person what they need, communicate your needs, reach a compromise if needed, then you plan what you are going to do and try and stick to it. Sometimes not managing to stick to the plan is okay! We dont get things right all the time... as long as you catch yourself getting it wrong, and/or dont get defensive when your partner gently raises it. Thats what you do if you actually want to FIX the problem so you are both happy, rather than just getting the other person off your back. Dont settle for less.

Sometimes though, someone is too selfish to be in a relationship- they arent ready, even if they are a consenting adult. Its not on you to teach them.

It just sounds like a rubbish relationship tbh. You can't make him into a different person so why are you still trying to? You need to either accept this is who he is and be ok with it or move on.

Why are you bothering? He is not emotionally fulfilling you. This is not the relationship for you. And frankly, he is not that into you.

If he wanted to - he would. If he cared, he’d ask. He doesn’t want or need to care for your needs or day because he gets what he needs from you as and when and can ignore you the rest of the time.

Have some bloody respect for yourself and move on. Labelling him avoidant only makes you feel in some way better because it’s like a personality type - it’s not. It’s his chosen way to communicate with you. He could choose to do better if he wanted. He doesn’t.

What's with the avoidant?? He's nothing more than a lazy arse boyfriend who likes the idea of a girlfriend but cba to put in the effort. He's simply not as invested in the relationship as you are and is not that into you - and rather than waste any more of your time on him, it's time for him to shape up or ship out. Don't give him some label in order to excuse his crappy behaviour.

There's someone out there for you OP - he'll want to spend as much time with you as possible and won't leave you feeling unimportant or ignored. You will be the most important thing in his life, and it will feel completely right for you. Never settle for second best - you're too good for that

I have a few different thoughts on this.

Firstly, adults shouldn't be relying on texts to quantify the quality of a relationship. Texting is not a normal way to bond with someone and it shouldn't be given any weight as an indicator of the health of a relationship.

That aside, he sounds content in his own life and his level of commitment to the relationship with you. Does that make him avoidant? Not necessarily. But if it doesn't suit you and you feel like you need more then it's just a bad pairing and it won't change.

I speak as someone who lives with my DH part time (in the city where I work) the rest of the time I am in my former home from before we met, alone or with my adult DD. We may go a day or two before checking in or answering messages and though our lives are no more perfect than anyone else's, we are both independent, not avoidant, so it suits us.

That's the key really, if you're not happy, instead of labelling the other person, free yourself up to find the right fit.

Three years "together" and the main form of communication is text messaging?

Well.. There is a saying that comes to mind that I learned as a kid: "Don't try running after a bus that doesn't want to take you onboard".
Obviously, it goes without saying, if this level of closeness is enough for you, it's your choice, but the fact that you posted here suggests otherwise.. If this is not what makes you happy, I would say, move on, perhaps.. Normally I'd say try and work it out with him, but you mentioned that it has been addressed already, and it's clear he is comfortable this way. I don't know, I wouldn't want to settle with someone who is not entirely in it, just to "have someone".

Wow, didn't expect so many replies! Thank you all.

It's a tricky one as I am pretty short of time, I work a demanding job, am retraining too so have coursework alongside and am also a parent.
Attachment type wise, I am very aware of my own type and I guess that's why I am sticking this out.. Because I know I am not perfect either. But it's the lack of communication that IS bothering me, I have communicated this and mentioned how he never phones just to chat about our days (I phone him, it's not reciprocated) and I commented that he's only ever rang me in times of crisis: vehicle breaking down, pet being unwell etc.. But like he's expecting me to fix the issue.

I guess what I can say is that I AM communicating clearly. I'm aware a relationship takes two people to make it work and I do genuinely love him; I fancy him so much and the sex is amazing, so our chemistry is great.

In terms of living together, that's not feasible currently because of finances, so I'm doing the best I can to improve my situation because since I split with my child's father, I have to rely heavily on universal Credit to get by, hence I'm retraining because I'm aware as my child ages that I won't get that financial support.

Exactly. This is what I don't understand. I have tried to change that and phone/expect quality time together, but he seems content with distance (Avoidant!)

How often do you actually see each other OP?

It varies. Some weeks it's a few times, but for short periods of time (like a meal out etc) other times we'll go 1-2 weeks and then do a longer meet up.

I communicated recently that what I am struggling with is that when we go for over a week between meeting up, we don't even chat on the phone unless I am the one making the call.
He agreed we could chat more on the phone but again it was only when I rang him.

This doesn't appear isolated to me, he is like it with friends and family too.. Just seems content with flying visits/minimal contact really.

I can only echo what I said above - There are clear differences between what closeness means for the two of you. The fact that he is like that with everyone else and not just you is not really something that is encouraging, either. Even less likelihood it ever changing for the better... I wouldn't waste more time on it, if I were you.

Just stop.
Stop. Stop. Stop.

You're trying to change another person. It won't happen.

Mute him for a week. Do something else. Accept who he is.

Why don't you put yourself first, until you actually find someone worth while, if you desire
a relationship?
I cba for a day, now or 25 years ago!