Dating an Avoidant

[NameChangedHi]

Hi all,

Needed to get this out somewhere as I feel like I'm metaphorically beating my head against a wall!!
Partner of 3 years, met online, don't live together. He's generally pretty rubbish at communication, I tend to get a running narrative of his day "Out shopping" etc rather than any actual back and forth.

What I'm really struggling with is that he quite frequently leaves me on read... I can cope with that, I appreciate sometimes people are busy and don't reply for a while, that's fine, but he will literally then send other stuff and avoid answering direct questions etc and it is resulting in me feeling totally ignored and overlooked. I have communicated this and I then get excuses like he was watching a film... But in the meantime he'll have been on Facebook etc.

I am beginning to notice that it's whenever it's anything more than surface level stuff. He is so classically Avoidant.

I guess I just need to get this off my chest, as when I raise things to him he is apologetic, but nothing changes!

Anyone dated an Avoidant and have any advice??? Thanks

Try messaging him asking if he'd like you to ride him senseless later.

I bet he doesnt avoid replying to that.

I would absolutely hate someone messaging me asking what I was doing or how work was. I also would not want to call and have a chat on the phone, ever. The only times I call Dh are if a child is going to A&E or someone has died. We were long distance for 2 years, opposite sides of the world, saw each other every 2 months but never once spoke on the phone!

I don’t think he is avoidant and you have a secure attachment necessarily. I think you actually sound a bit anxious and clingy and his boundaries are throwing up some stuff for you. The man is allowed to watch a film and doom scroll Facebook without constantly responding to your messages. That’s totally okay.

It sounds to e though that you simply aren’t compatible. You probably would be happier in a relationship with someone who had a communication style more like your own.

Honestly he doesn't see messages for ages either, so if I wanted to do that I'd be better off just ringing or turning up, but I'm far too tired after work anyway...!

Interesting.
I've no doubt that he triggers stuff in me, I have taken lots of stuff to therapy and continue to work on my own strange ways.

I find it bizarre that you didn't talk on the phone to your partner, but this just proves how different each of us are and what we need/want/expect from certain connections.

I feel 'secure' with my partner, in that I know we are there for one another... But I am someone who checks in with people generally, asking about friends/work/kids etc, so to meet someone that doesn't really show that they think about others, has been eye opening... But what I have learnt is that just because he doesn't show it in a way I expect, doesn't mean he doesn't care or isn't thinking about me.

You said he leaves you on read. My point was I bet he would reply if it was related to sex, rather than be classic Avoidant then.

Turning up or calling defeats the object.

Also, I read WA messages all the time without them showing as read via notifications and im selective when I reply. Im just a bit of an ignorant cow and cba with replying sometimes. Although I might be coming round to the idea of telling people im avoidant.

Well yes he does leave me on read, but he also sometimes just doesn't read messages for many hours (which is obviously fine!)

What I mean is that if I was wanting to turn up for a booty call, messaging him wouldn't be my go-to way of instigating that!

I feel like you're trying to imply it's just sex, which it isn't. We have seen each other many times and not had sex, so it's certainly not just about that.

Im not implying that at all. But I am outright saying if your messages were asking if hed like sex, I bet he wouldnt avoid you or leave you on read.

Thats not saying its all about sex. I can see hes also asked for your help with cars and pets etc. and you both clearly get some things out the relationship for it to last 3 years.

I just think hes getting far more out of it than you and you seem to be hoping that his lack of normal boyfriend-girlfriend comms can be pinned on it being an inherent thing/type/psychological reason/etc. rather than it being something he can wilfully control (which he does when he wants something from you, or when he wants to go Facebook instead of messaging you back, or i suspect sex related if offered).

Whats sad is, if it really is that he is this Avoidant psychological ingrained whatever, then no amount of you wanting him to change will work anyway, he is who he is, and hed need some serious therapy to change.

You're missing @Megifer 's point.

Look. He either is an 'avoidant' which means he actually isn't capable of a relationship.

Or, he's not an 'avoidant', he's just not that into you.

Either way, he's never going to be the person you want him to be and you're wasting your time trying to change him.

Seriously? I wouldn't bother. He is low effort and low care, so unless you want to not have kids and spend you life being his slave I'd move on. I think you are giving him the label of avoidant rather than emotionally stunted because you want to think he might change; the spoiler is that he won't.

Ofc he isn’t an ‘avoidant’ when it comes to sex 😂 that’s part of the same pattern I was referring to, people of this disposition want sex, and surface level validation and an ego boost. If he’s an ‘avoidant’ he likely has multiple women on the go for the same purpose.

@NameChangedHi there are a lot of misguided people posting absolutely incorrect information about attachment on this thread, as I'm sure you're well aware. I'm not going to correct that misinformation because I know you know what you are dealing with here and I have no doubt that you're right. I'm sure he does care about you. But this is how he is and what he does when he's in a relationship with someone that he cares about. It's actually not unusual at all to have amazing sex with an avoidant. It definitely adds to the confusion and creates a yearning for emotional intimacy which the avoidant cannot reciprocate. Avoidants both want and fear intimacy. It's really rare for a person who has an avoidant attachment style to seek to change themselves. Change comes through therapy and that involves committing to an intimate relationship. This is precisely what they fear and avoid. It very rarely happens.

Sadly, the effect of being on the receiving end of avoidance and distancing is actually the same as being in a relationship with someone horrible, who doesn't care about you at all. Knowing that it's driven by avoidance doesn't really make it any less difficult. It's confusing, hurtful, frustrating and lonely. The avoidant is driven by satisfying their own needs almost all of the time. It's profoundly self-absorbed and selfish behaviour. If you point this out, it will be met with absolute denial and probably a retaliatory attack.

By all means set out your boundaries. You have already been doing this though and he has said the right words and not followed it up with any change in behaviour. This will continue until you decide you've had enough. Small moments of hope and connection followed by...nothing. The most contactful time in a relationship with an avoidant is at the beginning when they (and you) are excited and they are willing to take some risks. From that point, it's all about diminishing returns. You get less and less of what you need and the other person just acts as if they have no idea what you're talking about. Does this sound familiar?

Just because he has a ‘label’ it doesn’t mean you have to tie yourself in knots, and accept an emotionally eroding situation.
You’re allowed to be happy

He’s just not that into you, girl. He picks you up when it interests or benefits him. He’s not avoidant, he’s selfish.

They are only avoidant if they don’t like you that much.

If you were someone they were besotted by, they wouldn’t be acting this way. It’s because they can take you or leave you. So remove yourself from the menu and move on. Feel it, grieve it, recover from it. It’s the ONLY option for a secure and happy future.

The other way of thinking about it is that actually, how he is works for you or has worked for you because you are short of time - you have a job, single parenting, retraining, as well as presumably looking after your house and seeing your friends and family. The relationship works because it allows you space to do all these things. A non-avoidant person would want more time (believe me, they might say at the start they don’t but once they get attached to you, they will want your time - I just ended a short relationship because he talked about my life in terms of our time, and demanded I make time for us, when for me first and foremost I needed my time).

The relationship works for him because it allows him to get on with the rhythm of his life with an amount of emotional and physical connection he can manage. So I think in some ways that is valuable for you, because you have got your own life. And as others have said, you won’t change him or who he is.

So the question comes down to whether that is enough just now. I mean, it does allow you to focus on your life and priorities whilst also having someone to spend time with now and then and be intimate. It might not be enough long term but you are not there yet. Or you can walk away because you want something he cannot give you which is answered texts within an hour or so and phone calls and you know that he is not going to be emotionally available in the future when you might have more time for a more engaged relationship.

Same…..

It was a decade of them saying all the right things about the future and actioning none of them (with reasonable, plausible excuses at the time). Always giving just enough (and often a tiny bit more) for me to have hope that we’d get ‘there’ eventually.

A decade - I’m so disappointed in myself for enabling this and it hurt MASSIVELY to end things and walk away. Don’t be me @NameChangedHi for your own sanity, self esteem and future. Cut your losses now before you become further enmeshed.

Exactly - he is not going to change, he likely doesn't think he is the reason he has been single. No matter what you put into men like this you won't get anything similar back because they are low effort.

Is he even single...? 🤨🤔