Dating an Avoidant

[NameChangedHi]

Hi all,

Needed to get this out somewhere as I feel like I'm metaphorically beating my head against a wall!!
Partner of 3 years, met online, don't live together. He's generally pretty rubbish at communication, I tend to get a running narrative of his day "Out shopping" etc rather than any actual back and forth.

What I'm really struggling with is that he quite frequently leaves me on read... I can cope with that, I appreciate sometimes people are busy and don't reply for a while, that's fine, but he will literally then send other stuff and avoid answering direct questions etc and it is resulting in me feeling totally ignored and overlooked. I have communicated this and I then get excuses like he was watching a film... But in the meantime he'll have been on Facebook etc.

I am beginning to notice that it's whenever it's anything more than surface level stuff. He is so classically Avoidant.

I guess I just need to get this off my chest, as when I raise things to him he is apologetic, but nothing changes!

Anyone dated an Avoidant and have any advice??? Thanks

It seems to me that he wants and FWB, no interest in communicating with you properly outside of that.

I agree with this but will expand to say this will only work if you are truly happy with a low key, low commitment arrangement. Hanging around for 3 years and asking for more communication indicates that this is NOT what you are looking for. So for that reason I would suggest you move on.

I also think that an avoidant can exacerbate an anxious attachment style - the checking when he is online, the noting when he has been online etc - avoidants can make you feel / act more needy than you would otherwise be, or wish to be. I am not saying this is you @NameChangedHi , but that has been my personal experience.

I would never ever date someone who showed avoidant tendencies if I was looking for someone to settle down
with - avoidants are the worst match for me as I generally only suit serious commitments vs situationships / FWBs.

I am, as much as possible.
I've had extensive therapy and am not people pleasing like I used to.

I generally struggle with my mental health (hormones/menopause not helping) and am so busy that I find self-care gets put on the back burner, but I am trying hard to change that.

Maybe investigate why you're chasing this person.

Stop chasing and use that time for self care.

Yes I am finding this.

It has certainly been a learning curve meeting him and I've learnt a lot about myself and how I tick!!

Although I find I am just getting angrier about it of late. It's the excuses that are doing me in.. Yesterday I asked some direct questions (showing an interest in the thing he had messaged about) and it was 'ignored'. When I raised it, his excuse was he'd been watching a film.. But this was 8 hours later and he'd posted on Facebook a couple of hours after reading the message he'd ignored.

I just find to hard that he doesn't seem to prioritise communication, because I absolutely do.

Thank you.
I've definitely come into the New year knowing that something needs to change and if it means up splitting, then so be it.

I'm not going to continue in something where I feel overlooked too frequently.

Thanks :)

You can change that by moving on from this person. Hes not into you thats pretty clear, and youre allowing him to treat you like crap. You are trying to please him by being very passive about this. Hes not a very nice person, just ditch this dead weight and move on.

Gosh i relate to so many of your points; the amazing sex and chemistry, the busy life, the furthering your education, being a parent etc.

When I was in the situ with my avoidant (not sure why people are objecting to that word so much -
I know exactly what you mean) - the only reason it worked is because I was so busy in my own life and I was in no way ready or able to settle down
in something serious, introduce kids etc. So the occasional lovely interaction and amazing sex was enough.

But it also solidified for me
that ultimately, if my life was less hectic and more settled and when my kids are older, I really would prefer a committed and intentional relationship.
Just gotta wait for my DDs to grow up!

When I was young people didn’t have labels, what you have here in my older more curmudgeonly way of looking at things is a dickhead with bad manners who excuses his behaviour and you put up with it.

A partner needs to enhance your life enough to make it worth the relationship.

Same here.

This trend of needing to give shitty behaviour a label in order to try and understand the deep psychology behind it is baffling. He's a rubbish boyfriend who simply just doesn't care enough to change. It's not that deep.

People are getting hung up on the label but that is not the point really.

What I am saying is that some people ARE ok with less communication, less dates etc than others for other reasons - so what you call bad manners may not be bad manners to them. FWBs come to mind.

In this case @NameChangedHi regular and frequent comms ARE important to the OP. As she has communicated this to him and he keeps saying he will do more but doesn’t, then yes, we are into rude, non life enhancing territory.

Avoidants are emotionally unavailable, and as such are not datable. For them to be self-aware and actively working on themselves is incredibly rare. Many are selfish, hooked on surface level ego boosts, and everything is on their terms. It’s also very common for them to be stringing multiple women along, so that when things get too ‘intense’ with one woman they will dip into one of their backups. They tend to have issues coming out their ears and are best avoided.

How is your time spent with him? Are you freer to go to his house, make plans etc or is it all tightly controlled by a rigid schedule on his terms? Many of them like the benefits of a ‘partner’ but they won’t ever offer any back it’s all take take take.

I think it’s because they’re lucky enough to never have encountered one 😂

Nice to hear from someone that's experienced similar.

I'm well aware that I don't have time in my day to day to have someone fully involved as a step-dad and I have absolutely no interest in living with a man again anytime soon, so this suits me in some ways.

I will continue to communicate clearly and see how we go.

My ex-husband really really done a lot of emotional damage to me, so healing from that has been a journey in itself and a huge part of me probably won't ever fully trust a loved one again, so there's been that to contend with too.

I no longer feel the utter terror that I previously had about my future either, so I have definitely grown and I'm proud of that.

It may be that communicating over text is not the best medium for him. Personally I find that my focus is often take up by what is in front of me rather than a message on my phone. Could you try focussing more on phone calls or speaking in person? He does need to be willing to listen and try new strategies. If he's not willing then you need to decide if this is the relationship you want.

Yes I could go to his place whenever.
There's no control, in fact quite the opposite: making plans is a challenge because he's so laid back he's almost horizontal..!

Yeah - there's a reason for that

Why bother? It seems like a very trivial relationship on his side anyway, as you say really you're just flogging a dead horse.

Tbf I think most of us have encountered flakey people who pick people up then put them down when they CBA and who use people on their terms.

Giving it a name so it sounds like a condition just makes it a bit easier to swallow the behavior, and for the person to defend it. "Its not my fault, im Avoidant"

For what?

For being so laid back he's horizontal, meaning it's hard to make plans with him.

"Something needs to change"

"You should end it as you're not getting what you want"

'not that, I want him to change who he's been for the last 3 years of my life and apparently all years of his, with everyone'

🤷‍♀️

Can you see what you are saying. You are actively changing your behaviours and minimising your needs to try to fit his.

this is why is never works. You have two different attachment styles. Without therapy and intention his is basically ‘the closer we become the more I will withdraw.

currently it is only because of the enormous gaps in time between seeing each other that he’s been in it for 3 years. He may have others in the wings. Not necessarily affairs but individuals where he can focus energy to dilute your energy. Female friends. A woman he knows likes him.
he may not but regardless he is not capable of attaching deeply. It’s not you or anything you do. It is merely that you exist and are holding the role of girlfriend.

it’s not worth it. Until an avoidant struggles so badly with the consequences of his avoidance and the consequences are more uncomfortable that his internal nervous system finds a relationship is, he will not make the choices he needs to make to grow.

he needs proper somatic therapy. Time without a partner during this ideally. And a real intention. I see none of this at present

No but a a psychological attachment type. The behaviours are very much studied and understood. The behaviours are predictable. The causes are typical.

I didn't say I want him to change the past. I've had an amazing few years, not exclusively due to him, just generally with lots of positive change in my life.
I am thankful to have met him.

Reading everyone's replies has given me food for thought though and I definitely know that we either need to work on what we have and improve it, or it will inevitably end, because quite simply I can't continue with this lack of meaningful communication with someone I love and care about.