Dating an Avoidant

[NameChangedHi]

Hi all,

Needed to get this out somewhere as I feel like I'm metaphorically beating my head against a wall!!
Partner of 3 years, met online, don't live together. He's generally pretty rubbish at communication, I tend to get a running narrative of his day "Out shopping" etc rather than any actual back and forth.

What I'm really struggling with is that he quite frequently leaves me on read... I can cope with that, I appreciate sometimes people are busy and don't reply for a while, that's fine, but he will literally then send other stuff and avoid answering direct questions etc and it is resulting in me feeling totally ignored and overlooked. I have communicated this and I then get excuses like he was watching a film... But in the meantime he'll have been on Facebook etc.

I am beginning to notice that it's whenever it's anything more than surface level stuff. He is so classically Avoidant.

I guess I just need to get this off my chest, as when I raise things to him he is apologetic, but nothing changes!

Anyone dated an Avoidant and have any advice??? Thanks

Thank you.

Yes I agree, we are only at the 3 year mark because we have both been passive and taking it day by day, but I am now at a place in my life where I'm looking ahead at how I want my future to look... And I can't see him in it if it continues in this vein.

I have had to challenge my own avoidance behaviours by having uncomfortable conversations, but I know things won't build or change if I don't!

Op has he been formally diagnosed with this psychological attachment type?

I would really consider if you are just hoping he has this "thing" so it explains and excuses his behaviour towards you.

So what is your understanding of 'the reason?'

No. And regardless if he had, I do think everyone is capable introspection and change.
What I mean is, that if I continue to communicate with him that I am not okay with how things are and I am trying to make positive change (from my own behavior) and he doesn't, then he can't blame me if things end, can he.

I have communicated and I expect a change, because it's rubbish and I'm not willing to settle for this any longer.

As I (and others ) have said upthread - he's simply not that bothered or interested.

Well that's the whole crux of the matter... Very occasionally I've had little snippets of vulnerability from him and it seems he thinks a lot of me and sees me in his future.

I will continue to have frank conversations with him and see what happens, that's all I can do I guess (and if that means ending it, then that's what will need to happen)

Have you sat down with yourself (and a therapist perhaps) to ask yourself what you want from an ideal partner? Not in terms of looks, finances but in terms of how you live your lives and relate to each other.

for example would you want to live with a partner. Would you want to see them nearly every day. Would you want them to make you (mostly) feel safe and loved and cared for as standard. How often would you want to spend time together?

This is him. He will be a good fit for someone, but it seems that someone is not you.

I'm sure he cares for you and hopes that the relationship you have will tick along nicely without too much input from him - but if that's not enough for you (it wouldn't be for me) then please don't settle for something that doesn't fill your heart with happiness.

then he can't blame me if things end, can he.

Well, he can. And he might, but it doesn't actually matter if he does.

If you have decided that being in a relationship with a man who makes you feel ignored and overlooked is not for you, then, you can end it. You don't need to give him a reason that he will agree with.

You need to be looking at his behaviour on a daily and weekly basis, rather than clinging onto little snippets where he says he likes you and sees you in his future.

You're worth more than this.

I remember someone telling me "never prioritise someone who only views you as an option".
I felt that was good advice to live by and it's served me well in avoiding/binning people who are not as invested in the relationship as much as I am.
I feel this is your situation and you're far more important than that x

Sorry OP but this is not to do with him prioritising communication, he's not prioritising you or your relationship! Honestly, i think it's time to end things

I don’t think being a flaky type is the same as being an avoidant though. Attachment styles are very much real in psychology, and the avoidant types are more than likely so lacking in self awareness they don’t even think there’s a problem.

Has this bloke been diagnosed as avoidant though? Labels are bandied about to excuse a raft of crappy behaviours these days, it seems.

Attachment styles are not something which are formally diagnosed…They aren’t ‘illnesses’.

Each one has fairly predictable base ‘patterns’ which can be revealing in terms of how a person behaves. I’m not saying labels such as these aren’t misapplied, or overused. Someone can be a massive jerk, but that doesn’t mean they’re displaying the behaviour patterns associated with being a ‘dismissive avoidant’.

They’re descriptive frameworks, not diagnoses.

Ah, OK - so a description of someone's behaviour that could equally simply be a description of jerkish behaviour or someone who's simply not that into his relationship?

Attachment style is a misunderstanding and misapplication of the original research into babies’ attachment to their primary caregiver. This guy is just a waste of time and doesn’t really want a girlfriend.

Diagnosed/assessed/whatever.

Who ascertains this is that person's "thing"? Who looks at the patterns and says "yep, classic Avoidant"?

I know, honestly......Oh im avoidant don't you know, classic, its an attachment style, mh hmm, yea, ingrained yea, cant help it. If i dont message you but am fine to post on Facebook its because im an Avoidant.

No mate, you're just a prick stringing people along.

I do to myself 🤷‍♀️ it helps me with my own growth and development. In fact it’s been a very useful way to understand my behaviour.

But in a clinical setting a psychologist/therapist will absolutely use attachment styles as a way of understanding and explaining certain behaviour and patterns.

There’s a huge amount of research which been done since the original terms were created years ago. You and others here may feel they are simply pointless labels, which is fine but there’s a bit more to it than that.

It all sounds a bit naval gazing, I dont mean to offend with that and if you find it useful thats great. It really is just my opinion which means very little 😂

Maybe im just instant 🙄 whenever behaviour is given a label nowadays. Everyone is so quick to want to hang their hat on to a reason for someone acting the way they do, bonus points if its something that can be connected to child hood so they can say they can't help it, someone else made them that way.

I think i liken it to Social Anxiety vs someone just anxious in some social situations. So in this to me its not that hes Avoidant (makes it seem he cant help it, its a thing, psychology etc.), hes just avoiding op (deliberate).

I note from the op hes not Avoidant when it comes to sex. Im shocked.

I don’t know why you are continuing to hassle him about calling more when you know he doesn’t want to. This is who he is and how he likes things.

Accept it or move on.

Firstly, OP, it's pretty insulting to your partner that you feel you need to put a label on him ie "avoidant"). He sounds like a perfectly normal, nice bloke. Some people find constant messaging unnecessary and just too much. Why not try just saving up your conversation until you actually see him? You might find that it's far less stressful and gives you both some breathing space.

I think i liken it to Social Anxiety vs someone just anxious in some social situations. So in this to me its not that hes Avoidant (makes it seem he cant help it, its a thing, psychology etc.), hes just avoiding op (deliberate)

I agree. In turning a verb into a noun, it gives a behaviour a fixed name which can then distill everything that person does into a label - which in turn requires an intervention, or therapy, or counselling (industries in themselves). He's avoiding a level of commitment to, and interest in, the OP and his relationship with her - when it's been made clear that it's upsetting for the OP. That doesn't make him 'avoidant' per se.

I understand what you mean, but trust me it is far from constant messaging.

An example would be Me asking "how was work?" etc and it being read and remaining unanswered.
That is rude/ignorant/avoidant/whatever you want to label it as...but not something I want to contend with ongoing as it's wearing thin and I have recognised I can't continue like this, I'm allowed to feel that, in the same way that he is allowed to not respond. And if that makes us incompatible then okay.