Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

[AnOddOne]

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

Uh yeah they are
I'm straight, but I've engaged in group sex with women. My DH is straight and likewise. You might not get it, but just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You know how straight people can get turned on by watching pornography that includes people of the the same sex as them? It follows that same principle.

Not that it matters to you now, but this kink doesn't mean he's slightly gay (that's not a thing, I think you mean bisexual) at all. It's not about being sexually interested in the men involved.

OK, just another thought here:
Could it be that Viagra (or whatever meds he’s taking) is no longer fully working for him and this is causing your partner latent stress as (sorry for the pun) this is usually the beginning of a downward trajectory?
I’ve heard that Viagra’s efficacy is not necessarily permanent and when it stops working the options are fairly limited and include radical surgery
Just a thought. (Appreciate I may be being far too kind to him here)

He probably wants you to come home to him afterwards and for you both to get off on telling him about it.

It’s not an unusual fantasy. Lots of people have cuckold fantasies and obviously some people do act them out. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a big deal! Of course it would. It’s not a minor thing and he shouldn’t be acting like it is.

I had a boyfriend who liked us to share fantasies about that kind of thing during sex occasionally, but he didn’t actually want it to happen. I was absolutely fine with the fantasy stuff but would never in a million years have actually done it. There’s a massive difference between fantasy and reality and even when something is only fantasy, people shouldn’t be pushing partners to share in that fantasy if they don’t like it.

I think you need have a conversation with him and tell him that you don’t share his kink. If him trying to get you to talk it about it to indulge him makes you in any way uncomfortable, you need to tell him and he really needs to shut the fuck up about it. Of course you shouldn’t feel pressured to sleep with other men, and neither should you feel pressured to talk about it with him as a fantasy if you don’t want to. If he keeps pushing you to do anything you dont like, he needs binning.

Maybe he's unhappy abour his ED and wants to test you hoping you'll say no. Maybe he's pre-empting the situation as he has a fear you might go off with someone else. However,. If it's just that he wants a thrill, I think you should tell him in no uncertain terms that it's actually having a negative emotional effect on you which is serious and that it is so serious it could cause you to end the relationship..

It sounds like a ’hot wife’ kink. My ex husband wanted this and it gave me the ick.

We have an arrangement like this with one guy. In many ways it saved our marriage, we were drifting. But I can't say it saved our relationship.

No, everything else is not great. Sorry, I know this will make you cross but you have to run for the hills, or make him run.

Don't ask how women know this. Just make sure you have a safety network and LEAVE.

Don't wait for the "open relationship", "experimental sexuality" bullshit that is going to be spewed. Don't rely on romantic memories. I cannot even phrase this as bluntly as I would want to. Don't wait to heal him either. Life is short.

Also, you would not have posted about this on Mumsnet if you did not know something's foul.

It's a precursor to him having sex with other women. It's all about having self-respect.

If you happily have sexual contact with people of the same sex, you're not straight. So if you've done anything sexual with women and enjoyed yourself...not straight. Maybe not strongly bisexual, but definitely not completely heterosexual.

@Notgoingononlyfansyet
"His boundaries are that he wants to know if I meet other men. I occasionally have and while I know he doesn't like it, he doesn't treat me any differently. It's rare I do because he's the best lover or partner I've ever had, and he gives me everything I want in a man."

This tells me everything I need to know, frankly. He's getting to have his cake and eat it too, as often as he likes, while (consciously or subconsciously) you clearly feel as though you have to limit yourself as it makes him unhappy, despite meeting him in the swinging community - and you also have to talk him up as the best lover and partner ever in the whole wide world, so that he doesn't feel inadequate.

Although frankly, if he's the best lover ever, why would you ever want to make him unhappy by seeing other, less satisfying men 'rarely'? Methinks all is not as it seems. This is the problem with open relationships to me, and why they're almost never worth bothering with.

I’ve asked him every time has mentioned it but he just says he wants me to enjoy myself.

I find this phrasing so deeply patronising and insulting, as if you're some child who doesn't yet know their own mind. He's clearly hiding something from you.

No, you are wrong. Sexual orientation and sexual behaviour are not the same thing, and sexual behaviour is not evidence of sexual orientation. Again, just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

My DH says similar occasionally. I just nod & smile. It's a fantasy, said in the heat of the moment. I certainly have zero inclination to act on it.

I am well aware that they are not the same thing. Obviously, people have sex with people (of a sex) that they don't want to have sex with all the time - see 'gay for pay' pornography, or sex trafficked individuals.

But if a person is happy to have sexual contact with another person of the same sex (AKA engaging in homosexual behaviour) for no reason other than for the enjoyment of the experience, they really can't claim to be entirely heterosexual.

Here's an example: If I don't like carrots, the only way I'll eat them is if I'm being pressured to do so, or if I'm being paid a large enough sum of money to overcome my dislike of them. If I'll happily eat a carrot despite there being no real reason to...then I clearly do like carrots, at least a little bit.

In my sixties, I find myself looking ahead and reflecting in ways I never did before. I know I have lived a wonderful life, yet I am conscious that the time ahead is more limited than the time behind me. This makes me wonder whether he feels compelled to explore his true self now—believing it may be his last opportunity—whatever form that exploration takes. Perhaps he also wants reassurance that you will be all right and able to find someone else, so that he can move forward without the burden of guilt. It’s a funny old life!

I would recommend ending the relationship. I had an ex with this fetish - nothing ever happened (I told him it was of no interest to me, but he'd never fucking shut up about it, to the point it made me extremely distressed) but it destroyed our relationship, destroyed my self-esteem and my happiness for a long time.

Will probably regret admitting this, but I am male and have been into this for a while. I don't think it is usually to do with being a bit gay or wanting the license to also sleep with other people.
While I would disagree with the posters who say run for the hills at the first sign of such a kink, I agree that in the OP's case where one partner is pushing it against the other's will, that is very unreasonable and he needs to stop.

Well he watches porn, so much so that he's suggested this to his own wife.

Make of that what you will...

Cuckolding. My ex was one of them and was obsessed. Literally couldn’t climax without thinking/talking about the thought of me with other men. Gross

Unfortunately OP, some men have this cuckolding fantasy. This fantasy is more common than you would think but it's one that should really stay in the mind.

The reality of cuckolding is that many men cannot bear the infidelity. Which is what it is, regardless of what he may say to convince you to participate.

And that infidelity has the potential to fully erode your relationship with this man, should you still be interested in him after this revelation!

Thank you all so much for your responses. There’s certainly plenty of food for thought there! I’ll read through and respond to later posts this afternoon as I have to get ready for work now.

I’ve decided this morning to ask to see his messages when I see him next. I’ve tried talking to him about this more than once but if all I’m going to get is ‘I just want you to have fun’ and ‘I’m not interested in anyone else’ there’s very little point in carrying on with that line of questioning. There’s definitely more to this if he’s not prepared to drop it. While this is against my character I feel it’s the only way I can find out if he’s been up to something, although I realise this might not give me any answers if he has everything ‘locked down’ or if he refuses. I don’t really know where else to go from here.

Isn’t it crazy what people are willing to risk? I’m a happy, accomplished, financially independent woman. I don’t need this shit. It invalidates every beautiful thing we’ve created over nearly two decades, all for the sake of a fantasy that could stay just that. If indeed it has.

We just have to assume sometimes that people have different sexual preferences and fantasies. I've come across this a couple of times and it's not as sinister as you think, in most cases. As long as both partners and the outsider person consent to this, it's OK. If you are not I to it and you partner respects that, it's also OK. Where it is categorically not Ok is when there is some kind of coercion, manipulation or emotional blackmailing going on.

There is unlikely to be an underlying issue beyond sexual fantasy and it is not a reflection on your sex life at all.

I’ve decided this morning to ask to see his messages when I see him next. I’ve tried talking to him about this more than once but if all I’m going to get is ‘I just want you to have fun’ and ‘I’m not interested in anyone else’ there’s very little point in carrying on with that line of questioning. There’s definitely more to this if he’s not prepared to drop it. While this is against my character I feel it’s the only way I can find out if he’s been up to something, although I realise this might not give me any answers if he has everything ‘locked down’ or if he refuses. I don’t really know where else to go from here.

I think this is a good way to proceed. And yes it is wild what some people are willing to risk for some sexual fantasy/fetish. It would make me questioned how much he really valued me as a person.

The fact he has kept on pushing it is definitely a red flag. He’s not being truthful when he says he just wants you to have fun. You have said it’s not your cup of tea, therefore it’s not fun for you. So why has he kept going with it?

This is definitely more for him, not you. And he knows that - which is why he isn’t dropping it.

For him sex seems to be a recreational activity and maybe you've become too familiar to him so he's trying to introduce this element of novelty by imagining you sleeping with a stranger?

Whereas for you, the sex is fun and adventurous but exists within love and intimacy which wouldn't be there with a stranger. He doesn't seem to get that.