I'm feeling insecure about my bfs relationship with another woman

[ScarboroughFairy]

I know it might be harder to give advice without many details, but I don't want to be too specific. They have known each other for longer than I have known him and seem to have a relationship between themselves and rely on each other for advice and give a lot of personal information to each other which is great except she is female. They are so involved with each others lives and may as well be the ones married.
I am looking for ways to deal with this as I don't want to seem effected, and for advice of other women who have dealt with this and whether there is a sneaky way to get it all shut down without wasting a lot of my energy or breaking up

Sounds like there will be 3 of you in this relationship. (Echoes of princess Diana, Charles and his mistress.)

Get out whilst you can put a lid on any “personal stuff” he will share about you and his relationship with you. Why should she have a window on you that you probably won’t have on her?
No way Jose. Finish it or you’ll be back on here again before long.

If you don’t trust him then walk away.

that is just what I thought as I don't know much about her and yet she knows so much about me but I don't want to leave him or let her win

Let her win

I'd walk.

‘Let her win’

What a weird turn of phrase, she’s a friend he had known for a long time. If you don’t like it then you leave him, if this isn’t something you can handle because it crosses YOUR boundaries, leave him. You can’t control his friendships and you clearly don’t trust him.

There isn't enough detail in your post to know whether your concerns are warranted.

You’re looking to break up a friendship he has just because she’s a woman and they are close? I know you said you don’t want to be too specific but without a bit more information it just sounds like you are being controlling and way out of line and he’d do best to run a mile from you tbh.

I know you said you wouldn't want to be very specific OP, but the description is very surface level, it is hard to guess if there is anything to be worried about.

Speaking as a man who has female friends - one of my best friends I have known since I was 13, that is a 25-years old friendship. I have known her longer than my wife. We are very close, talk about a lot of things, relationships, mental health, family drama, you name it. And yet, my wife has nothing to worry about - and she knows it, not even a little bit of a worry there. We were at her wedding last year, she was at ours.. If my wife ever had a problem with our friendship, I would then of course resolve the matter, i wouldn't let my own spouse feel bad, sad, worried or anything..
Just wanted to say, that friendships like that exist - and I don't know your DH, don't know their friendship, not saying there is anything to worry about or isn't...as there are no details. Just wanted to share my thoughts and experience.

One thing though, if you don't trust him, or you have an issue, staying just to "let her win" is not a great mindset to have, sounds very uncomfortable... Does DH know it at all how you feel? I am just guessing here that he doesn't, based on the last bit of your post.

You can’t tell him who to be friends with.

Have they ever been in a relationship?
Is she currently in a relationship?

Would it bother you if he had this level of friendship with a man?

As another PP said - your use of the expression “let her win” is interesting. It suggests you regard yourself as competing with her with your partner as the prize. My husband has some good female friends but always spent a lot more time with me than with them so i never doubted his commitment to me. This may all be in you but I’m wondering whether it suits your partner to play you off against each other.

Do you have any friends outside the relationship that you confide in? I think it’s pretty healthy to have that and the sex of the person is immaterial if it’s a platonic relationship.

Man has close female friend who long pre-dates your relationship and yet, they are not (and presumably never have been) in a romantic relationship. How dare she occupy the role of close friend to a man who might also have a girlfriend? The scheming bitch! Make sure you don’t “let her win”!

So he has a friend?

Do you have any friends? Do you tell them things about your life?

For me no, I’d walk.

What do you mean let her win, if they are long term friends, have they ever been in a relationship, is she involved with anyone ie have a partner? I see no issue with men and women being friends, but I know on here folks don’t like it.

Surely if they’ve been firm friends for many years, since long before you and he get together, you don’t expect him to ditch a valued, pre-existing friendship for a relationship that may not last?

I did still imply there's something between them. There doesn't seem to be any trust in my judgement here. I purposely didn't give a lot of details as I want it to stay generic.
There must be some kind of traditional advice or old folks tale to shut a relationship down like this so I can keep my bf and she's no longer a threat without ending it.

“Let her win”? You aren’t 12.

Dump him and move on.

I’m assuming you’re joking now. What are you expecting — people to give you advice on how to make a voodoo doll with her toenail

Anyone who drops a longtime, valued friendship because their boyfriend or girlfriend wants them to would be completely misguided.

Do you trust him ? That’s the question you need to ask yourself ?

@ScarboroughFairy
In your post you implied that they are close, but not specifically that "something is between them". If there is some kind of cheating going on, that is a whole different question, no doubt.. but if you are only a jealous type without your boyfriend doing anything, that is on you, not on him, nor on the friend, sorry to say. Again, if he is guilty of cheating on you, that is different, but it definitely sounds like you don't really care about the reality, you just have your mind set on removing her of his life. Sorry if I misinterpret your intentions, but if that is how it is, it is just sad, but since we are not 11 years old, no such thing exists that will make you "win" and you definitely have no right to determine who he can be friends with. Doesn't seem like you trust him... and if it's the case, I don't understand why you would hold onto the relationship.

Saying things like "let her win", and then making it even more awkward by saying "traditional advice or old folks tale to shut a relationship down so I can keep my bf and she's no longer a threat" makes you sound like you are not really ready for a relationship.. And I don't mean to be nasty with this, but you have to realise how this makes you sound.

You think there is something going on (trusting your judgement) but you want to win him off her?!

Do you realise how bat shit that sounds?

Why on earth do you want to win a man if you believe he’s cheating on you?!

Why do you think it's about winning? If that's your mindset you need to finish. You did say you didnt want to waste any headspace so cut your losses already.

If they’ve been friends for a long time, she doesn’t want to ‘win’.

You need to grow up or finish with him.

What? Why do you see her as a threat, you think they fancy each other and he’s only with uou till she says yes? If this is the case stop being second best, doing the pick me dance and end it. As his feeling won’t change if you try to kill their friendship.

if it’s just you’re a jealous and insecure person and want to kill his friendship due to it then he needs to end it with you. No one should kill long term friendships due to a shorter term partners mental health issues.

so either way it has to end. I’m sorry op.