I'm feeling insecure about my bfs relationship with another woman

[ScarboroughFairy]

I know it might be harder to give advice without many details, but I don't want to be too specific. They have known each other for longer than I have known him and seem to have a relationship between themselves and rely on each other for advice and give a lot of personal information to each other which is great except she is female. They are so involved with each others lives and may as well be the ones married.
I am looking for ways to deal with this as I don't want to seem effected, and for advice of other women who have dealt with this and whether there is a sneaky way to get it all shut down without wasting a lot of my energy or breaking up

so he won’t let you meet her ?

OK I'll give some details. I wouldn't want to meet her, I've never asked. Her voice irritates me when she calls him, and it annoys me when she is texting him. To be honest though it's the timing like when he's in bed, lunch time break (he works from home), after/before he leaves the house or whilst he's on public transport. I refuse to drive all the time. She is there for him if we are having a mundane argument and agreeing with him about how annoying I am.
It seems she's the master of knowing how to bother me so much, whilst i wouldn't have thought of these techniques myself - I'm too busy.
They wanted to stay over with each other a year ago, but she is still living with her mother who wouldn't allow it and he's too much of a cheapskate to book somewhere even for me so that's one benefit of him being a cheapskate😂

Oh op, you’re just jealous

I think OP may be jealous, but it’s obvious he’s getting the cozy ego stroke from both places.
Honestly, I’d leave them to it.

How do you know what she’s saying about you and when she’s calling ? Is he telling you this to wind you up ?
he wanted a sleepover and her mum said no? How old is he?!

My ex later admitted she was a former friend with benefits

I wouldn’t want to be with a man who was this close to another woman.

It’s ok to not be ok with it - but an ultimatum will probably backfire. I’d just bough out personally.

Kindly fuck off

Oh they always are. When it's like this, I mean.

I've got a really close male friend, known since 18. I could turn up at 2am looking sad and he'd call me a twat for waking him up, then make me a cuppa and put the TV on.

I do not text him all day every day, when he's in bed with his partner, then do the Pikachu shocked face at the idea I might be over stepping the mark. Ohhhhh can't men and women just be frieeeeeends??? Please. Don't insult everyone's intelligence.

Problem is, @ScarboroughFairy he's allowing it. She's a sneaky, needy little creature, but he's letting her encroach. If he didn't want the constant attention he'd just turn his phone off.

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease spot on !

my ex had to tell his ‘friend’ when he was going to be in a meeting at work or some other reason he’d be uncontactable . That’s not a friendship that’s just batshit .

Whether or not you have any reason to be jealous OP, you just don’t sound ready to be in a healthy relationship. Your attitude to your partner leaves you wide open to being on the receiving end of controlling, abusive relationships, because you seem to think it’s normal.

I am one who previously posted in here that such friendships do exist, using my own as an example, but the examples listed recently are definitely shifty.. My best friend (F) are friends, we talk about anything and everything, BUT not wanting to spend the night at each others' place, not talking during bedtime, during work weeks and every chance we have... That level just not even healthy for any friend relationship, I think. Funny meme I saw during my commute that reminded me of you - send. She will see it whenever she sees it, reacts to it, maybe the next day when she has a few mins to scroll on her phone, we leave a few voice messages if something interesting happens... How my wife liked the bday present I was working on, how her husband is forming a connection to their new baby, moan about grandparents who need to learn boundaries, etc etc.
I would say a good rule of thumb is something like this - whatever would be ok between same sex friends/best friends can work with man-woman friendships too. But let's face it, spending every waking moment talking to the other person would be off between same sex friends too, surely.

💯

Save yourself the misery and end it

thats just it @exhaustDADisn’t it. As I’ve said previously if my ex’s ‘bestie’ had been a man I would have had suspicions he was a closet homosexual.
one thing that really made me wake up in my situation was someone saying to me ‘this wouldn’t even be appropriate if this woman was his own mother ‘

I totally get it that way @TheThingOnTheIce , yes. If boundaries are being overstepped like that, that's just a big ol' NOPE. Some people do have agendas.. But there are often cases where the partner is just a jealous type, and there is no shifty behaviour or anything going on. My friend (F) about 10 years ago or so, had a very jealous boyfriend at the time, he hated my guts just purely because I am a man, and there is no way I don't want anything. She was given an ultimatum to not be in contact with me, and she said that she will not take part in such nonsense, if someone wants to be with her, they need to accept that she considers me her best friend. If someone can't, that's fair, but she will not weed out friendships just because of someone else's controlling insecurities. I was not playing into it by the way, no games, nothing out of the ordinary - classic friend behaviour that I listed above. Yes, I thought the guy was an absolute dickhead, but not up to me who she gets together with, haha. After that guy, all her following relationships knew about me from very early on, I got on well with most of them (the ones I met at social events, at their house, etc).

Were they ever together? If not you need to remind yourself that there are reasons why they weren't and those aren't likely to change.

I've had a male friend that I'm very close to for decades. We've seen many partners come and go, never had the remotest interest in a romantic relationship with each other. We are great friends but would make terrible partners for one another for a host of reasons!

That said, even way back before we married our respective partners our relationship naturally adjusted for other partners. We've both always been aware that we need to respect our own partners and each others so they were always included when we arranged to meet, phone calls and texts were less frequent etc. There was never any competition.

You have to decide what you're comfortable with op. If you don't like it don't like it how it is tell him what boundaries would work for you and if he can't meet them get out now.

It's hard to make judgements if you've never met her or seen them together. Maybe go along with them some time and make a more informed judgement then.

It was part of a bigger problem so the relationship has ended. New year new me. Wish me luck

Married for 32 years my husband formed a close relationship with a female work colleague. He supported her through her divorce and spoke of her often. It made me feel threatened and I told both of them of my fears. They both told me I had nothing to fear as he wasn't her type!
Fast forward and my husband has left me and priorities of our family are forgotten as he is prefers her family, company etc.
Still being told there is no relationship he just doesn't love or want me. Hes also put himself on numerous dating sites and is looking for his happy ever after to travel the world with.

I am in the wrong apparently as I remind him he is a married man!!

Good luck op
i wish I’d never let my ex talk me round the first time he cancelled plans with me for his ‘friend ’ would have saved me over 2 years and a lot of heart ache

Good luck! That’s really good news for you. He was no prize for two women to fight over! Remember that going forward.

How long have you been apart and have you broken up before. That same thing happened to me in this relationship. There has been a lot of problems, and he tells me I'm the unreasonable one. I believed it but there comes a point where I recognised the dysfunction. I don't need the head ache. I have been with him for 4 or 5 years now, and have considered leaving him a lot of times. I also wish I had left before. I feel I'm in a better position to leave now and not who I was at the start of the relationship. What about you? How long has it taken you to recover, are you in a better place, how do you deal with the hard days

Exactly. OP is framing this woman is chomping at the bit, absolutely desperate to sleep with and date her partner, and would be delighted if his relationship with OP failed.

If she wanted to 'win' him, she already has done by being close to him for decades. And could've dated him if they both wanted.

I doubt he's much of a prize anyway.

@ScarboroughFairy it’s been 4 months no contact now. I’ll be honest I’m still reeling . Really struggling. Think about it constantly .
we did split up a few times before over her . Like when I’d found out he’d muted her when I’d asked to meet her and had her on mute for 6 months hoping I’d forget about her.

see I was also finding all sorts of suspicious shit like used condom and BDSM stuff , last straw was used bondage tape

and she just happened to call him a pet name which is apparently common in dom and sub situations for a sub which he couldn’t give a believable or consistent explanation for

i mean i have no solid proof but doesn’t look good . She’s about 15 years older than us and I think he thought I wouldn’t suspect anything untoward .

@ScarboroughFairy I know people frown on it but what helped me quite a bit was to put everything that happened into ChatGPT and also had it analyse some text conversations we’d had