I'm feeling insecure about my bfs relationship with another woman

[ScarboroughFairy]

I know it might be harder to give advice without many details, but I don't want to be too specific. They have known each other for longer than I have known him and seem to have a relationship between themselves and rely on each other for advice and give a lot of personal information to each other which is great except she is female. They are so involved with each others lives and may as well be the ones married.
I am looking for ways to deal with this as I don't want to seem effected, and for advice of other women who have dealt with this and whether there is a sneaky way to get it all shut down without wasting a lot of my energy or breaking up

So who is she to him? Wife? Ex wife? Just a friend? You need to give more information for us to understand and be able to comment.

There seems to be no trust there on your part, to save your MH, I would dump him now and find a man with no friends!

Don’t do a pick me dance just because you think you’re in competition. Some prizes just ain’t worth fighting for

I think trying to sneakily ‘shut down’ a persons relationship with their best mate is really messed up and nasty. You presumably got together with him knowing his best mate was female.

How long have you been with him?

How regularly does he see you?

How regularly does he see her?

Why would there be traditional advice? Traditionally men didn’t have female friends because they thought women were stupid, irrational and child like and so only good for wives (see: breeding). Times have changed - men can have female friends now.

If you walk away she doesn’t win. You win as you then get to live your life without the anxiety of their relationship and you get to leave the door open for someone who loves you and doesn’t make you feel like you are competing with someone else.

Op this was my last relationship
I always felt like a third wheel and I have to to say if he’d had a friendship with a man in the same manner he did with her I’d be even more unserved by it and think he was in the closet.
I tried to make it work but after 2 years it all imploded
she’d even left him her house and put a clause in her will that should he marry it was all to be kept separate from his spouse . He’d also moved house to be closer to her
in my case although I had no solid evidence I think they may have been in a dom and sub dynamic due to other things I found out
I would never date anyone again with a female ‘best friend’ although I still believe men and woman can be friends. Just not ‘living in each others pockets’ friends .

But is he making her feel like she’s competing?

I agree and I don’t know any men who would be interested in such a friendship.

So, basically, you want him to dump his good friend because you can’t cope with him having one who owns a vagina? Well, I hope he doesn’t because that would make him an arsehole and also a wet wipe.

Then you don't know any men who don't regard women primarily as sex objects.

I wouldn't date someone without female friends.

Have you actually met her? One of the massive red flags in my situation is that he wouldn’t let me meet her . Made up bullshit excuses and then just acted like she didn’t exist anymore whilst still seeing her and hoping I’d forgot about it . Nope

You started dating a man with a female best friend and now it's suddenly an issue? Has something happened? You haven't said that it has.

Also sorry but:
"I am looking for ways to deal with this as I don't want to seem effected [sic]" and "I don't want to leave him or let her win"

Are two of the most immature things I have ever read on Mumsnet.

You want a 'sneaky' way to break them up? That's disgusting, what's wrong with you? If you can't handle dating a man with female friends then find a man without female friends (which is a red flag frankly anyway). Or grow up.

Make her your friend

And it is a 100% clear to you that he's making OP feel this way.. There is not a chance she is just extremely jealous for no reason, right? We don't know that. Like I said, if he DOES do questionable things, yup, it's pointless to hold onto the relationship, but if he doesn't, I am sorry, it's not on the guy... And feeding into this narrative of "letting her win" and "she doesn't win if you walk away" is just so incredibly immature.. Has it crossed your mind that the friend is not even aware that there is a game she is supposedly playing? How can you lose or win a game you are not aware of, or have no intention of playing?? If she is truly just a friend, then this whole thing is just embarrassing..

I didn’t say her partner was making her feel like this. She is feeling threatened by her partners relationship with his female friend. Whether or not she really has something to be jealous about or not we cannot tell as we don’t have enough information.

The OP said she didn’t want the
other woman to win. I am merely staying that’s not the way to look at it. If the OP doesn’t want to be in this relationship she should leave for her own happiness and peace and not look at it as the other woman wins.

Sorry @KiwiFall I completely got the opposite...But if you look at how you phrased it, I am sure you can see why

I mean you kinda did “and you get to leave the door open for someone who loves you and doesn’t make you feel like you are competing with someone else”

So you knew about this relationship when you got together? It's hard to advise without more detail as I'm not sure if either of them have actually done anything wrong. Sounds like you want to keep him but have her out of the picture which is not going to happen.

The way I see it if they confide in eachother about everything then any little issues you have in your relationship he will share with her and for me that's a big no no.

You don't have control over his life and friends but you do have control over yours. Me personally, I would walk away as this set up is just not for me. Many would disagree and that's fine

The band james wrote ‘you can’t catch love with a net or a gun’

If you want some great advice, this is probably it.

Close friendships with women are a green flag in a man for me.

As I always say on threads like this: you’re entitled to not want to be in a relationship with a man with close female friends, and he’s entitled to not want to be in a relationship with a jealous, insecure, and controlling person.

She is basically saying this relationship isn’t making her feel secure and happy. That may be on her. If that’s the case and she can’t deal with this she needs to be with someone who doesn’t have a long standing female friend. Do I agree that a man can have a friendship with a female that isn’t a romantic relationship? Yes I do but she obviously doesn’t so I don’t think this is the right relationship for her.

honestly it allllll depends on dynamics
which op has given little away about.
i have a male friend of 30 years+ i’d consider one of my best friends
he’s always been introduced to my partners and it’s never caused any issues. We only tend to text in a group chat with our 2 other friends and see each other a couple of times a year as we’re both busy
my ex’s female best friend text him around 100 times a day, phone calls all hours, he wouldn’t introduce us , he cancelled plans with me to prioritise her and thought nothing wrong with that . They were enmeshed and codependent.
it’s all about context
maybe you could add little more op .

There is something going on even if he's not sleeping with her. It feels like one day it might lead to that. It's hard to explain.
@TheThingOnTheIce Your second example of your ex is similar to whats going on in my relationship