DH never happy

[ICSH1]

This isn’t a huge drama but it’s starting to weigh on me a bit and just wanted some outside opinion.

My partner has always been the dominant one in our relationship which suits me in many ways, he’s driven and gets things done whereas I’m more laidback and get nervous about change. He’s also really moody and allows things to get on top of him and is incapable of keeping that in. If he’s unhappy we all know about it and have to live with it. It’s probably the biggest tension in our relationship, I’m very much a head down and get on with things sort of person- I grew up with a dad who had terrible mood swings and I’m just very sensitive to it and try not to let my feelings affect anyone.

he works away all week (his decision) and has quite alot of responsibility as the main breadwinner. But I don’t think he likes it (he likes that he can give us a nice life because of his job) and most weekends are really difficult as we wait for him to decompress and settle into family life. If things don’t go perfectly in the weekend he gets really unhappy or if he’s had a bad week then that hangs over us all weekend. There are many reasons he won’t change his job so we are a bit stuck with that. But the job he does, where we live, the house we live in, even the job I do are all the things he has wanted and I have gone along with but none of it seems to make him that happy (or only rarely). I don’t know if I’m not being supportive enough but I now worry about him coming back and navigating his feelings/moods all weekend. I always make sure that all the house work is done, do all the food shopping and cooking and sorting the kids even though I work too. I’m not sure if this is something I’m not doing enough to help with or whether it’s something he needs to work on. I’m just aware I’m slightly resentful that our free time together can feel so hard. I should say he’s a brilliant family man. He absolutely puts us first at all times. It’s just the moods…

He isn't putting you first all the time is he though? Because he'd rather put himself first and be moody than let you all have a nice weekend

Your last 2 sentences cannot be true if the rest of your post is OP.

How can he be a brilliant family man?

I fail to see how he is a brilliant family man. He is away all week leaving you managing the children and your work single handed, and then he expects you to jump to his tune at the weekends, with you preparing and managing everything to keep him happy. How is that brilliant or fair especially as he's still not happy?

Sorry OP, you have a lot of reasons for his horrible behaviour. But he does not have to behave that way. He could say he needs some quiet time, he could apologise, he could do any number of things that wouldn’t involve putting his moods on you and making you walk on eggshells but it seems he controls and the rest of you have no choice but to suck it up. Do you feel more at peace in the weeks when he’s not there? How is he on family holidays?

Id read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?” and I think you may answers. There’s a free pdf online if you google.

This isn’t healthy, and I think your background is relevant here. You’ve been raised to be controlled by someone else’s moods. It’s highly manipulative behaviour and no your husband is not a brilliant family man subjecting his family to this and making them walk on eggshells around his moods. It’s highly damaging behaviour and I would seriously be questioning the relationship.

I actually feel very sorry for your children. There is no way they won’t be picking up on this. Speak to him. Tell him how it’s making you feel. If he’s that unhappy with his job he needs to find a new one.

I actually feel very sorry for your children. There is no way they won’t be picking up on this. Speak to him. Tell him how it’s making you feel. If he’s that unhappy with his job he needs to find a new one.

Brilliant family man
puts us first

no evidence of that in your post - just abusive behaviour where you’re anxious about your time together ,

suggest marriage counselling , you are repeating your family trauma , your kids deserve better

This is tough.
He chooses to work away all week where he has no other responsibilities other than work.
Everything for the house, kids etc all falls to you.
Along with a constant pressure to create perfect weekends as his 'reward' for being the main breadwinner
Where is your reward for keeping it all together by yourself every week.
What does he do to make sure you get any down time, or even any small thing to make your life easier?

I know how it sounds but he only lives the life he lives because he wants us to have the lives we have. At weekends he’ll take us out for a nice meal or plan somewhere to go if there’s time. I don’t think he’s unappreciative of what I do during the week to keep the kids and the house going (in fact I know he’s not) it’s just he doesn’t always manage his emotions that well. I can’t figure out if it’s me not being supportive enough or whether I should push back more. I don’t want to complain as the things he does and the decisions he has made have got us a lovely house and the kids go to a lovely school in a beautiful town but he created all of this and it still doesn’t seem to make him as happy as it probably should. Don’t get me wrong, he can be happy and cheerful and sometimes I know he feels satisfied with life but I sometimes feel like we all live under a cloud of him hating his job or life. I’m just trying to work out if it’s something I should be helping more with but equally I feel like he’s a grown man and he should manage himself a bit? I know it’s not easy for him but our whole life is based on his decisions and I just want to get on with things without worrying about how his week is going all the time

It could be just a habit he's got in. If you don't push back on it then it will carry on.

Tell him you're sick of living under a cloud and his moods and he needs to do something about it or it's going to make your relationship toxic.

Please can you explain this bit? "even the job I do are all the things he has wanted"? Also how do the kids feel? If I have answers to these two questions then I think I could maybe comment.

I think what you are trying to say in a very roundabout way is that you are walking on eggshells because your husband is volatile.
No, it's not your bloody fault and no matter how much you shine that fridge door or how many ribbons you put in your hair, he will not change.

I think your post might be your first cry for help/wake up call that he’s actually a complete controlling arseholde. You all walk on egg shells around him. What a horrible way to live. He isn’t a good man.

I appreciate that sounds weird! So I’ve worked for the same company since we got married. I used to go into the office but since we moved I’ve had to work remotely and I just don’t enjoy it anymore. BUT I would have stuck it out because the pay is quite good and it’s flexible which I need so I can sort the kids out (today I could just go and watch my youngest play football and I feel so lucky to be able to fit that into a work day) My organisation offered voluntary redundancy which my husband encouraged me to take as I’d get a good payout and could find something i actually liked. I sort of worry I don’t have the energy to start again and change everything but I have gone for it because of his encouragement. The kids are absolutely fine. They know he can get moody but he’s a great dad

What do you actually mean when you say he’s a great dad op? You’ve described someone who is away all week, and then comes home at weekends and then you’re all on egg shells waiting to see his moods. You run around like a headless chicken getting things perfect for him. Your children do the same. Then you stand there, praying for his approval so the weekend goes ok?

You sound totally ground down, walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around his bad moods.

Why are you worried you're not being supportive enough? What does "being supportive" look like when someone is being rude and grumpy and making everyone around them feel tense? I suspect your childhood has taught you that other people's (men's) emotions are your responsibility to manage.

Thank you for the update, I really appreciate it.

So... here's my take.

• He lives at home two days a week and often is grumpy during that time
• His moods dictate how the family revolves around him - it's normal for kids to see their parents get cross/upset/frustrated once in a while, but not for them to 'know' that het gets moods... that suggests it's habitual
• He doesn't care enough about the comfort and feelings of his family to try and deal with those moods, which impact the 48 hours he is home
• Everything you have said to mitigate his bad behaviour is that YOU need to do more, YOU need to do better, YOU need to understand him more, YOU need to support him as the main breadwinner - always YOU? HE doesn't need to do anything different/better?

Neon sign time... your family is hostage to his moods and him earning money and buying a meal here and there is not even remotely a replacement for him being a present (he's never there!) and decent (making everyone else tiptoe around him) father. I'm sure he has flashes of brilliance, but they don't last long and let's be honest - you posted for a reason.

I think you need a proper conversation about all of this, because kids see more than we know and he's not modelling good behaviour for them. Do you want them to grow up into grumpy breadwinners who actually damage the fabric of their family because their moods take centre stage all of the time? As I say, I am sure he is good sometimes - and no one is perfect always - but it sounds like your family focus has been lost among the way. It's not all about where you live or how much money you earn, it's about spending time together, learning about one another, supporting one another, enjoying one another. None of that can happen when one person is in a dark mood that impacts on everyone else.

Thanks guys. I do appreciate the support in trying to gain some perspective. I wrestle with feeling/ appearing ungrateful because he works very hard and it is for us. It’s not all the time but since Christmas he’s been tricky and I was just feeling a bit fed up with another weekend coming up. He’s honestly a really good guy, the moods are fairly surface level just quite pervasive…but he’s just always been (as someone above describes) volatile and I’m not sure what’s normal and what’s not

He's not a brilliant family man, stop lying to yourself. He's a moody asshat who takes his moods out on his family when he's at home. You're all walking on eggshells around his moods, you run around being a 50s housewife to please your master.

You've recreated your childhood dynamic for your kids. You really need to get working again, you need some independence and time out of the toxic terrarium where your husband's moods rule the home. I second you read Why Does He Do That. It's a free PDF online. Use a private browser to do so.

What do you think his reaction would be if you had a sit down about how badly his moods affect your home life?

It’s extremely peaceful. There’s no aggro at all…he is alot better on holidays in the main. Still some moodiness but better

I grew up in this exact household. Saturday morning I always woke up to the sound of my dad bitching and moaning about something because he was struggling adjust to be home again. And my mum was extremely lonely. Over time she developed severe depression. I wouldn’t recommend it as a childhood. He needs to address this; if he doesn’t you probably should think about your options.

Another man who acts like he’s returning from war every weekend. Same old language thrown around like decompressing and adjusting. There’s lots of perks to working away op.

Volatile moody men are not good dads full stop.
He Is not a victim of his own moods. He is choosing to behave like that. If I was in your shoes I would be very clear if he won’t regulate himself he will be spending weekends alone and I’d mean it.

This is a horrible way for your children to live.

What are you wanting from your post OP? For us to say you should try harder and be more grateful? That's not the advice you are going to hear as you are still making excuses for his volatile moods and unregulated behaviour. Your children will definitely have noticed so please don't be complicit in letting them witness the damaging sort of behaviour you grew up experiencing.

You ask if you should be doing more to support him?!
FFS, I'd say that keeping his home running smoothly all week and his children fed and cared for while he's away with only himself to think about is quite enough.