DH never happy

[ICSH1]

This isn’t a huge drama but it’s starting to weigh on me a bit and just wanted some outside opinion.

My partner has always been the dominant one in our relationship which suits me in many ways, he’s driven and gets things done whereas I’m more laidback and get nervous about change. He’s also really moody and allows things to get on top of him and is incapable of keeping that in. If he’s unhappy we all know about it and have to live with it. It’s probably the biggest tension in our relationship, I’m very much a head down and get on with things sort of person- I grew up with a dad who had terrible mood swings and I’m just very sensitive to it and try not to let my feelings affect anyone.

he works away all week (his decision) and has quite alot of responsibility as the main breadwinner. But I don’t think he likes it (he likes that he can give us a nice life because of his job) and most weekends are really difficult as we wait for him to decompress and settle into family life. If things don’t go perfectly in the weekend he gets really unhappy or if he’s had a bad week then that hangs over us all weekend. There are many reasons he won’t change his job so we are a bit stuck with that. But the job he does, where we live, the house we live in, even the job I do are all the things he has wanted and I have gone along with but none of it seems to make him that happy (or only rarely). I don’t know if I’m not being supportive enough but I now worry about him coming back and navigating his feelings/moods all weekend. I always make sure that all the house work is done, do all the food shopping and cooking and sorting the kids even though I work too. I’m not sure if this is something I’m not doing enough to help with or whether it’s something he needs to work on. I’m just aware I’m slightly resentful that our free time together can feel so hard. I should say he’s a brilliant family man. He absolutely puts us first at all times. It’s just the moods…

So this is my worry- I know he hates being away. He runs his own business and I think he thought he’d be able to transfer it to where we now live (he took a punt on that when he suggested we move) and it hasn’t happened yet. I know he hates being away but equally it’s the family business so he can’t just decide to leave and move on unfortunately. The life we have because of it is what DH says makes it all worth it. I couldn’t do it either so I do feel sorry for him but it was his choice and I feel like it impacts us all. But then maybe that’s not sympathetic enough

That's really hard, would a family move back closer to the family business be viable?

I will never claim that I am a brilliant family man, that is not up for me to decide, but for my wife and kids... However, I know one thing: putting your family first means a combination of a lot of things, one of them being not punishing your loved ones by being difficult just because of whatever crap is happening at work, stress, idiotic bosses, impossible deadlines, job security, etc. I - like many others , mums and dads alike - have a lot of stress in work. I never get snappy and shitty with my wife and kids because of it. It is not their fault my boss decided to blame me for something she asked for in the first place...
So no, OP, your DH does not put you guys first. It would be worth having a chat about it. That he should make an effort to at least neutralise the negativity, if it can't be positive. Definitely talk about how it impacts all of you.. And as a grown man, he should be able to alt it a bit. He is entitled to feeling stressed, overwhelmed and whatever, but he absolutely needs to learn to channel it properly.

This has really helped thank you x

I think it’s important to say that he’s always been quite a prickly character. This is not solely because of our current circumstances, even when we all lived together and even when he had different job we had bouts of this. It’s just working away does seem to make it worse again. I’m probably going to have to push him to make some changes to where he works if this continues and hope that helps

Sorry I realised you meant a move back closer to where we used to live. My son is coming up to GCSE year and they are blissfully happy where we are. I just don’t think uprooting them now is feasible.

Oh OP I feel for you, I’m 64 and no kids at home, but similar situation here except H doesn’t work away but does work from home. People ask me why I don’t also wfh as we work in same business, honest truth is I don’t want to be around him 24:7 because like your H he’s a moody bugger some of the time and goes on frequent rants - usually business related. It’s never ending . Like you I feel very guilty not being supportive because he works very hard professionally for us ( although totally lazy domestically) - but part of the reason he has to keep the hamster wheel up is he will not compromise on living in a posh upmarket area ( lovely but rented big house) , decent ish car, a fair few holidays/city breaks etc ( 3 or 4 a year in total) - I’ve made it clear I would be happy to move 10 miles away to a still nice but cheaper small town, cut the breaks a bit - but nope he won’t do it and it’s his knowledge and skills that in all honesty enable our business income. he also can’t ever settle, I’ve moved abroad, moved back again for health reasons related to his elderly parent , now wants to go back to EU for business reasons ( we can do this due to long term business income) and I have to do all the organising - I do lots, but back office.I also have buggered my options by working in our business alongside my age - if I opt out, I would lose, job, house etc and might struggle to get another rented house/flat.

all I can say is don’t go along with it - have the chat however hard, tell him his moods are really getting you down - sort a move out if that would help , get yourself in work, even if part time

don’t make any snap calls but do make sure you put money on one side and give it a timeframe if he’s no better - I’m wishing you well x

I was once married to a man like yours OP and his weekend moods sucked the life out of me and our marriage. He was constantly away from home , sometimes for weeks at a time, and we got to the point where, despite my best efforts, we drifted apart emotionally.
His moods were so bad that he was occasionally violent but he refused to change his job so we divorced.
Sadly it was the only way for me to move on from what had become an empty marriage. 😕

Your children are being shown how relationships shouldn't be. They have a father that makes everyone's life hell with his moods and a doormat for a mother.

He never will be happy.

Even if you break up, he will pretend to be affable with the next woman but he will revert to type eventually.

He's one of them who thinks other people are there to lift him up.

He will drag you down.
Intellectually, I bet he's really boring.

I grew up with a dad who had terrible mood swings

Your children will say the same in a couple of decades. They might even go out and find someone to partner with, who rules the house with terrible moodswings because it feels "familiar" just as you have done.

I'm sure you're already very aware that your DC are in exactly the same position as you were in yourself as a child. Your mum probably thought you were mostly oblivious and everythings was "fine".

Your children have a nice house in a nice area and go to a nice school, and they also, as you do, spend all week dreading him coming home and wondering wht kind of a mood he will be in. This is the reality of the situation. What you do about it is up to you. Worth checking out The Freedom Programme if you haven't already and Lundy Bancroft book as referenced above.

You have married someone just like your own dad. That’s what you learnt about relationships and now your kids are learning similar damaging lessons. Moodiness as well is an example of emotional abuse.

Be brave here and make the break sooner rather than later. Your kids pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between their dad and you.

The kids and exams are no reason nor basis to stay with him. I can imagine the atmosphere at home is also not conducive to revising because of him and his moods that dictate the household. As bd exams can be retaken, GCSEs are not the be all and end all .

He knows how you feel and he does not fundamentally care. He only cares for and about his own self.

He can manage his emotions around other people and he does not act like this in front if or to his work colleagues. No, this treatment of you all is reserved solely for you people as his family. No amount of holidays and of nice meals can make up for this ill treatment of you and in turn your kids. You have a choice re him and your children do not.

My dh is a bit the same at the moment. It feels like his job is killing him. He's miserable all the time, or ill, or usually both. He'll never take time off sick. He's possibly a workaholic and definitely has anxiety about financial issues. But there is a certain resentment and martyrdom about it. Despite it being his "choice", i think he simply sees no alternative.

At the moment he's resentful of me because I have a great job, well paid, but no job security. Which he says traps him in his job. I had no choice in this, I was bullied out of my career (which is very common in my career, almost an inevitability tbh). I've done brilliantly to keep myself in lucrative temporary employment since then, and have contributed maybe half our household income.

I think he's possibly just jealous if that's possible. Either way its eating him up.

The moods amd resentment are getting harder to live with. But mostly I just feel pity.

it is a very tough message to hear but, please, for the sake of your children.
, recognise that this is not something like a terrible disease which has been visited on you. This is how he is choosing to live his life and control his family.

reading Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that’ is a good call.

So you have basically married a man just like your father and your kids are living your childhood dynamic.

If he was such a great dad and put you all first all the time etc then why did you make this thread?

I’m very independent and I grew up in a family without much money at all. I never wanted that for my kids and if you’d asked me what I prioritised when I was looking for a partner and father of my kids I’d have absolutely had financial stability

But you said he's encouraging you to leave your job? How is that giving you financial stability!?

So even when things are superficially OK, he has to spoil it with some stupid self-pitying comment and sulking...so that the attention is once again on him.

His moods are holding your family hostage @ICSH1 - you sound ground down by it and you are trying everything to make things better, but it isn't you who can change it all.

Tell him he needs to get some therapy, or stop behaving like this, or preferably both. And if he won't then make plans to leave, as he won't get any better. I was with someone like this for 20 years, and life is SO much better and happier without him in it.

OP I'm 32 years in with a man whose was moody, volatile and controlling and wish I'd left years ago. Mood swings are horrible and extremely draining. Please do try and get him to change or you may end up feeling like me.

He will not change, this is who he really is and it’s not your job to get him to change. Why would he change when he has learnt, as your dad did, this works for him.. He does this because he can and he also feels entitled to do so.

you have a choice re him, your children do not.

This may be of no use at all, but have you tried NOT having everything already done by the time he comes home? I’m thinking, what is there for your DH to do at home apart from entertain you all - (dinner out, activities etc)? He may be having to entertain others during the week, which means his weekend is not that different. What if you didn’t have the shopping done or the kids stuff sorted for instance, he could be involved in this; go shopping together, cook together, sort the washing out, walk the dog together if you have one, mow the lawn, help with homework etc… Normal family stuff - that most of us hate - where it gets him involved and feels part of day-to-day running of family life even though he’s away for most of it. It may take his mind off his gruelling work, and lift his mood.

Do you have enough sex? That’ll also cheer him up.

He’s behind a desk all week. I encourage him to see his friends (they’re all back where he still works) but he tends just to shut himself away (that said he’s out tonight!) He doesn’t do anything to make that side of his life any better even though I’m always encouraging him to. He does take our eldest to football on a Sunday (all the life and kids admin happens midweek to be honest) and he plays for two football teams where we live now so he’s definitely occupied and has roots here. Sex happens once at the weekends. It’s hard to feel that enthusiastic about it because of how he can be. But we do do it.

Have you asked him what’s wrong?

He says he actually doesn’t want to enjoy his week which I find bizarre! He just wants to work and then come home to us. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to have a life that isn’t where we are as if he’ll feel too rooted where he works when he wants his roots to be where we live