DH never happy

[ICSH1]

This isn’t a huge drama but it’s starting to weigh on me a bit and just wanted some outside opinion.

My partner has always been the dominant one in our relationship which suits me in many ways, he’s driven and gets things done whereas I’m more laidback and get nervous about change. He’s also really moody and allows things to get on top of him and is incapable of keeping that in. If he’s unhappy we all know about it and have to live with it. It’s probably the biggest tension in our relationship, I’m very much a head down and get on with things sort of person- I grew up with a dad who had terrible mood swings and I’m just very sensitive to it and try not to let my feelings affect anyone.

he works away all week (his decision) and has quite alot of responsibility as the main breadwinner. But I don’t think he likes it (he likes that he can give us a nice life because of his job) and most weekends are really difficult as we wait for him to decompress and settle into family life. If things don’t go perfectly in the weekend he gets really unhappy or if he’s had a bad week then that hangs over us all weekend. There are many reasons he won’t change his job so we are a bit stuck with that. But the job he does, where we live, the house we live in, even the job I do are all the things he has wanted and I have gone along with but none of it seems to make him that happy (or only rarely). I don’t know if I’m not being supportive enough but I now worry about him coming back and navigating his feelings/moods all weekend. I always make sure that all the house work is done, do all the food shopping and cooking and sorting the kids even though I work too. I’m not sure if this is something I’m not doing enough to help with or whether it’s something he needs to work on. I’m just aware I’m slightly resentful that our free time together can feel so hard. I should say he’s a brilliant family man. He absolutely puts us first at all times. It’s just the moods…

I would be sending him a message on thursday evening that the children are looking forward to him coming home, and if he's stressed/in a foul mood then perhaps it's better that he stays there and doesn't bring it home.

You don't have to tolerate this, OP. He gets to live the single life during the week, no kids and no responsibilities while dumping 100% of that load onto you. Where is your down time?

You seem confused.
He is moidy volatile black cloud.
You think you need to do more to make him happy. But you doing it all already
But also a lovey dad and person?does not add up
P s you cannot make him happy less moody.

take a week or two when he does not come home for the weekend see how that feels

He sounds selfish as fuck.

And very convenient that encouraging you to take redundancy puts you in a position of financial dependence on him. Ensures you won't be rocking any boats.

You say he's been worse since Christmas?
What's caused that, do you think?

Probably having to spend more time at home being an actual dad when he can't sack that duty off for five days out of seven because Christmas holidays...

It reads to me as though you both see him as the Main Human and you as his Support Human.

OP it can be really hard to see the dynamics for what they truly are when you are living it. I thought my husband was a great guy, and understandably a bit grumpy sometimes because he worked so hard and did so much for us. I was so grateful to him for all he did. I respected him as a partner. Then everything imploded, and now I look back and think, WTF??!! How on EARTH did I think that was fine??!! My home is so happy and relaxing without him in it. I never would have believed that 3 months ago. There was no abuse in my marriage, no big rows, no one was frightened or bullied; we had a lovely family life and lots of laughs and fun times. And yet... I have grown three foot taller since he left.

I'm certainly projecting my experiences onto a few brief posts from you, but do take the time to ask yourself, do you feel respected? Do you feel equal? How would he respond if you behaved as he does? How would the kids respond? Would it be okay? Do you like him? Do you feel liked by him?

Ah yes. The great dad. The brilliant family man. Biggest red flags you get on MN.

OP, you spend your life placating him, doing what he wants, and worrying about his moods. If this is inaccurate then ignore me but I don't think it is. Your kids are well aware that the only mood that matters in their home is that of their dad.

He has moved you away, made sure you no longer go into an office and now has arranged for you to lose your job (I'd rescind that redundancy if I were you). You spend your week days minding your children and doing all the drudge work of child rearing and housekeeping and then he sweeps in like someone's uncle and brings you all out for a meal at the weekend - if he is in a good mood. If he is in a bad mood you spend the weekend chivying him along.

I'd talk to someone - a therapist or counsellor - if I were you OP. This isn't a relationship that has your best interests at heart.

How are your financials arranged?

Your H is a spoilt self-important brat. A lot of men are. His moodiness is a way to control you. Stop encouraging it with all your pandering, it's a terrible example for the children.

zawn.substack.com/p/chronic-grumpiness-how-men-use-bad-ddf?utm_campaign=posts-open-in-app&triedRedirect=true

She doesn't know. Almost every sentence contradicts itself. And yet Mumsnet will be unanimous in it's view that this is an unhealthy relationship.

Just to say OP that you never ever need to manage another adults moods.

Ill say it again. You never ever need to manage another adults moods. Their moods are theirs to manage.

Because of your past perhaps you see taking on responsibility for someone’s mood and placating him as being normal. It isn’t normal. Not at all.

So, I’d suggest speaking to a counsellor about his moods and how you’re taking on responsibility for his moods and trying to placate him. At the same time you’re squashing down your feelings and getting on with it.

I grew up in a house very similar to this. The children will be very impacted , but will likely try to hide it to protect your feelings . It’s no way to live, frankly the memories it brings back make me shudder. Please take steps to protect yourself and your DC from this , it casts a long shadow otherwise.

He sounds like a bully. Sorry. Take care.

What do his moods "look like", OP? I mean, how do they manifest themselves?

For example, I'm thinking of someone not taking to you, not answering your children's questions: sitting on the sofa with a face like thunder?

When he pays for trips out, say, how does he behave? Do you ever get apologies for this mis-treatment?

Agree. He sounds like a professional martyr to me.

He sounds unpleasant.

I post on here having been through exactly this.

Friday nights were exhausting from my POV in handling the stress of the working week emanating out of him.

On a bad weekend, the moods would start again on Sunday morning and would continue until I breathed a sigh of relief on a Monday morning. On a ‘good’ Sunday, it would start on Sunday afternoon.

Sunday evenings were hell on earth.

We lived through every scowl, every aggressive comment, wondering what would happen next.

I prostrated myself in an effort to chivvy him up. It was NEVER ENOUGH.
EVER.

I speak in the past because after over 20 years of this, I left him.

It’s entirely…absolutely entirely HIS call to find a way to release his anger. I begged mine to find an outlet… swimming, yoga, kick boxing.

By the time we got to marriage counselling, the marriage was over.

The moods manifest themselves in just general snappiness (a couple of weekends we were playing a card game with my youngest and when it was my turn I had the option of taking a card from my DH but I didn’t as I’d already done that and said (jokingly) that I didn’t want him to feel picked on. He then refused to play on as I clearly felt he was “too sensitive to play a kids card game” then sat there in silence. It blew over as it always does but for me the damage is slightly done, I don’t recover that quickly which I don’t think helps. But it really grated that we can’t even sit and play a kids game together 🙄 it’s very rarely shouting. It’s much more little tantrums over weird things or a heavy silence.

That sounds similar to us. It’s not every weekend at all but it’s enough to be something that bothers me

Have you suggested couples therapy? Or even going on your own if he refuses? It’s helped me really see where I’m contributing to unacceptable behaviour by letting my boundaries slip and not speaking up early enough etc

Not that I’m blaming you - just pointing out that it has improved my relationship to stop minimising negative behaviours because they’re not shouting/abusive

Is this what you wanted of family life, some people do, a husband who works away (and has another life) but provides for the family at home with all the nice things. Or were you wanting maybe a bit less of material stuff and more of a laugh ans support. I think your upbringing is influencing you. And agree with others, he doesn’t sound like a great family man.

I’m very independent and I grew up in a family without much money at all. I never wanted that for my kids and if you’d asked me what I prioritised when I was looking for a partner and father of my kids I’d have absolutely had financial stability up there at the top. So the current arrangement is fine for me in that practical sense. I’m not hugely romantic (he’s much more emotional etc than I am) but I do want someone I can easily share my life with, just someone who helps life to feel easy. At the moment I feel like he makes it feel stressful and that really doesn’t help me feel relaxed around him (which then arguably doesn’t help anything else). It is eggshells that’s very accurate. Im just trying to understand if its me being over sensitive or just very different in character to him or if this isn’t behaviour that I should just accept. I’m not looking to end my relationship because of it, I was just concerned that some of it might be my fault.

It has genuinely been interesting and helpful to hear from everyone thank you x

I grew up with a dad who had terrible mood swings and I’m just very sensitive to it

Could it be that you are hypervigilant and perhaps over sensitive to what you think is a 'bad' mood and either inclined to take it very personally and feel responsible for causing it or like you have to try and fix it for him?

Sometimes we look to try and change the other person which is useless unless they want to change. What we can learn to control and change is our perception of something and our response to it. Your sensitivity/ people pleasing / appeasing is something that you can change so his behaviour has less of an upsetting effect on you.

Remind yourself his moods are not caused by you and his moods are not yours to fix. Remind him of that and that his moods impact you all too.

If his 'moods' are actually yelling/ screaming/ sulking and being abusive then disregard what I just said.... that is definitely a him issue!

Have you asked him if he's happy with working away so much? Maybe he resents working away not being at home in the lifestyle he's providing. If you're ok with changing that tell him. Tighten some belts so he can be at home etc. Being the higher earner can be difficult, I've been there and in a job that took me away a lot. It felt like I was working my backside off to provide this lovely home and lifestyle I barely got to enjoy, while I was stuck in chain hotels Monday to Friday. Luckily for me mine was a 2 year secondment so I knew it was finite and worth it. I was also only away 2-3 weeks a month, it was also before DC and DH had a job where he worked 10-12 hour days 4 days a week, so I could rationalise I was missing very little and I wouldn't see him much more if we were both home. It was financially and career development wise worth it, but I couldn't have done it forever.