DH never happy

[ICSH1]

This isn’t a huge drama but it’s starting to weigh on me a bit and just wanted some outside opinion.

My partner has always been the dominant one in our relationship which suits me in many ways, he’s driven and gets things done whereas I’m more laidback and get nervous about change. He’s also really moody and allows things to get on top of him and is incapable of keeping that in. If he’s unhappy we all know about it and have to live with it. It’s probably the biggest tension in our relationship, I’m very much a head down and get on with things sort of person- I grew up with a dad who had terrible mood swings and I’m just very sensitive to it and try not to let my feelings affect anyone.

he works away all week (his decision) and has quite alot of responsibility as the main breadwinner. But I don’t think he likes it (he likes that he can give us a nice life because of his job) and most weekends are really difficult as we wait for him to decompress and settle into family life. If things don’t go perfectly in the weekend he gets really unhappy or if he’s had a bad week then that hangs over us all weekend. There are many reasons he won’t change his job so we are a bit stuck with that. But the job he does, where we live, the house we live in, even the job I do are all the things he has wanted and I have gone along with but none of it seems to make him that happy (or only rarely). I don’t know if I’m not being supportive enough but I now worry about him coming back and navigating his feelings/moods all weekend. I always make sure that all the house work is done, do all the food shopping and cooking and sorting the kids even though I work too. I’m not sure if this is something I’m not doing enough to help with or whether it’s something he needs to work on. I’m just aware I’m slightly resentful that our free time together can feel so hard. I should say he’s a brilliant family man. He absolutely puts us first at all times. It’s just the moods…

Okay, but that doesn’t explain why he’s moody when he finally is with you all. Has he said why this is?

What life you live?

It sounds that you're a single parent all week
You have a job you didn't choose for yourself.

At the weekend you can't relax from work and parenting as you're expected to care for a man who probably lines up all the tins in the cupboard and sulks all weekend it the towels are folded just so.

If he cared about you all he'd be more present, he'd actively look at a different job so he can actually parent in the week (and at the weekend) instead of this awful set up where none of you exist in the week, and he feels he is somehow owed hero worship when he turns up at the weekend.

You need to wake up OP.
You have let him have complete control of your life and are bending over backwards to make him happy and yet he’s not.
You have the kids all week alone and yet seem so grateful to this man.
Please look into attending counselling alone to look at how you got here.
And as for the moods at the weekend when he hasn’t seen his family all week long??? They need to stop immediately or he needs to leave because believe me the kids are not fine they do pick up on it and it will impact them and then they will grow up and do exactly what you are doing right now.

He's not.

Forgive me if I’m being obtuse, @ICSH1, but you say:

the job he does, where we live, the house we live in, even the job I do are all the things he has wanted and I have gone along with but none of it seems to make him that happy (or only rarely)

Why did you move, and now live so far away from his family business that he 'has' to work away? What did he think would be the benefits of such an arrangement that would outweigh the disadvantages?

He was anticipating being able to move where he worked but unfortunately that hasn’t yet happened.

He's out of order, rather than you being oversensitive. You need to tackle his behaviour, as living round someone's moods isn't sustainable. Get him to the GP for a full health check.
(I know it's not easy but nobody's happy, mainly him ..... I've been battling my DH to go to GP due to moody behaviour - taken some months but got there.....)

Good luck

Ah, I see, thank you.

ETA - you did say! I overlooked it.

I have to say that I’d be extremely unhappy with that level of moodiness. But I too grew up with a very depressive father so I’m sensitive to it myself. Unfortunately DH can be quite grumpy too and it does sap the spirit.

My mother would have said exactly the same thing about us as kids. We were fine and we coped with his moods ok because he was really a great dad.

None of that was true!

Do you know much about his family background and the circumstances in which he grew up? There seems to be an element of punishing you all for all the hard work he puts in to give you this life which you are not allowed to have but not actually enjoy (although it is clear you appreciate it). If he's always been a bit scratchy then is he likely to change much? What happens when you broach the subject with him?

He's undoubtedly tired but most adults would just ask for a quiet hour to decompress after a shit day and that would be that. What would concern me even more is that your kids are learning that this is a normal way to behave when you go out to work as the main breadwinner which doesn't bode well for them or their future partners.

I would suggest that if work causes him to be like this that he chooses something less stressful so he's more even tempered at home. You're all paying too high a price for what you have.

I think your definition of a family man needs to be reworked. This “family man” sounds abusive and very possibly depressed. He removes himself from the family for a week, then you have to be on eggshells for his return on the weekend. What an awful existence.

So you are his maid with benefits ( for him). He’s controlling. He’s not a brilliant family man at all. Get that notion out of your head right now. That’s probably a line he came up with! There’s more to life that a lovely house and meals out.

OP you should just divorce this very bad, bad man. He obviously cannot meet your emotional needs. Working your remote work with the flexible schedule to attend gams of your children, participate in activities with them, etc. with a job you're not happy with although it does pay quite well you said. Also you should be going nc with his parents since they obviously did not raise him to be in touch with his feelings growing up, so this is obviously their fault. Being an outstanding provider, based upon your responses, also shouldn't make any difference whatsoever. Again, your best bet instead of complaining on here is to just live your best life, everything else be damned. In the words of the great Freddie Mercury, "The most important thing, darling, is to live a fabulous life. As long as it's fabulous, I don't care how long it is."

OP has posted:

But the job he does, where we live, the house we live in, even the job I do are all the things he has wanted and I have gone along with but none of it seems to make him that happy (or only rarely).

He's gone all week, which she doesn't want. And when he's gone, who is looking after the kids as a lone parent, while also working? Who is doing ALL the care of the kids and their home? Her flexible work is making his work - and his jettisoning all the many boring, grinding, daily tasks of parenthood - possible.

When he's home he's unpleasant and makes the whole house tense and miserable, but again, you think this is fine because it revolves around him entirely. She has sex with him every weekend despite not actually wanting to, because he's unpleasant to her. That's vile.

After all this, she says: I should say he’s a brilliant family man. He absolutely puts us first at all times.

I can't see evidence of him putting them first at any time, ever.

What part of this life is not run around this man's wants? A woman is not his emotional support animal, her life revolving entirely around his choices, wants and needs. She's a human being, too. This is her own one precious life, too.

She says she dreads him coming home. That's not a partnership, and it's certainly not a marriage. That's an oppressive, soul-sucking chore.

It is the apogee of narcissistic entitlement to believe other people owe you their company, if you can't be arsed to be anything but unpleasant. If that's what someone wants then they need to resort to AI to get their needs met, and not flesh and blood human beings.

What would happen if you said, I want us to set aside some child free time this weekend, because I need to talk to you. Let me know when is good.

And at a time of his choosing sat down with a cuppa and said, I'm not sure if you're aware of this but, me and the children are on eggshells all week waiting for you to get back because of your moods. I'm going to presume you're not aware of how much they affect us all, and the household. I see everything you provide and I am grateful for all you do, but the moodiness is not sustainable. I am telling you now, because I'm going to presume you did not know, and so you can do something about it, because I do not want to continue to live like this.

What would happen?

If everything he does is to make you and the children happy then it isn’t working

I doubt your children will are happy having their weekends ruined with a grouchy father

Inyeresting that he says he doesn’t want to make himself happy whilst away from you and he is only happy when with you

Does that mean he is happy watching you walk on eggshells around him to not set him off. He must be ecstatic when he explodes.

I actually think it is wrong to give up the job you have with nothing else on the horizon

Whilst it doesn’t make you happy it does give you the flexibility to do what needs to be done. You are going to struggle to get another. The job market is brutal atm
And that is what I think your dh knows

He knows you aren’t happy and potentially divorce might be on the cards but he wants you in a position of vulnerability. At home, no income and reliant on him.
If you thought your weekends were bad before. Imagine with a dose of I am the only one working.

Even if you get another job imagine having to do a full time job and then doing all the housework, shopping, admin etc. on top and then having to put up with his shit on a weekend.

This man is not your friend. He is not your partner. He doesn’t want the best for you. You are his tool to use at will

Can I ask does your dh get moody, explode, etc when you are out having a meal as a family or if you are out on a day out he has organised?

He may be a "brilliant" husband in providing the material elements of life, definitely not so much at the loving or emotional elements. He needs to compartmentalise more, so when he comes home there's more harmony - it would be better for him too. You shouldn't be on tenterhooks all week anticipating his return and what it brings. He's causing strain that could lead to mental health issues for all

From a different perspective basically this husband was me in many ways. My wife and I had got to a stage in life where we wanted to be, forever home perfect, two kids in school and flourishing, decent amount of money out by, two holidays a year. But in spite of it all I wasn’t behaving as if I was happy. I was overwhelmed and grumpy and my wife started to think that our life wasn’t for me anymore. I started therapy back in August and it’s made the world of difference. It was me and not the situation and I have learnt to be happy and actually slow down and enjoy life. Our relationship isn’t perfect but we are working on it and a lot of that has came from me seeking help. You can’t change someone but you can change how you act about it. Maybe your husband could benefit from talking to someone? I know that’s maybe a bit step if he thinks there’s nothing wrong but there is and it won’t sort itself. You don’t deserve to live like this.

A management technique to get a perspective on moodiness at work is known as "positive reframe". I've trained groups on it and it helps people who are open to try it remain positive when things don't go ideally. Could you nudge him to look into that? If he comes home from work in a genuinely better mood that's better than encouraging him to shut something out.