What happens if domestic abuse is suspected?

[plsnojudgement]

Anon for obvious reasons.

Ive been going through a difficult time with my husband for a while now and whilst I’ve accepted at some point I need to leave, Im not ready to yet so please do t advise me to do that. I do however have a couple of questions and would appreciate anyone’s expertise. Sorry for how long this is but I think I need to explain why it’s so much of an issue, and I probably need to get this off my chest too. But in short I want to know what would happen if I went to my GP or minor injuries unit etc with visible injuries on me which would pretty obviously be from someone?

The full sad story if you want it: He has a drinking problem - if it was up to him he would come home every night after work and drink 3/4 beers and a wine. Maybe sometimes a small bottle of spirits. Things are particularly bad when he is stressed and he has depression and anxiety. He’s been going through a very difficult time the last few years, which has resulted in his professional body being involved and restrictions put on him around drinking and drugs as part of wider measures around his mental health. He’s managed to hide the extent of the problem to his professional body but they still test him regularly and he adjusts his alcohol consumption near the test dates so it doesn’t come back as high as it normally would. This means he regularly goes for 6 weeks or so without drinking anything.

He is going through a very difficult time at work and looks like he’s about to lose his job (not due to the issues he’s faced), which is going to put us in severe financial difficulty. There aren’t many other jobs around which pay as well. He’s very stressed about it and the last 2 nights he’s been binge drinking. He was sober most of tonight until about 1am when he went to his car and got a bottle of wine. We had a small argument about it -
no shouting or anything - but I tried to just sleep. I woke up an hour or so later to hear him going through all my stuff looking for my car keys, which I keep hidden as I keep spare alcohol in there (eg stuff left over from Christmas and having family over, or just a bottle of wine if I fancy a glass occasionally - I don’t drink often though and max 2 glasses a night once a week or so).

keys were hidden in my bedside table and when I refused to tell him where they were he started screaming at me and throwing my things over the floor, he found them and I tried to grab them off him. What resulted was a bit of a tussle - I was shouting at him and trying to wrestle them off him, he was screaming in my face and pushing me away etc. in the midst of this he pushed me hard several times, twisted my fingers back, bit me in several places, dragged me across the floor, scratched me. I’m certainly no angel - I definitely caught him with my nails as I was trying to push him off me/get my keys back and I could see a couple of small scratches. I also bit him at one point when he was bending my fingers back and he was on top of me to get him to release them.

I know I should probably have just given him my keys when he started screaming at me to avoid this - but I also know what he’s like when he’s in that mood and drinking and it’s awful, so self-destructive. It’s not the first time something like this has happened although probably the worst in terms of injuries.

The problem is, my hand (and other bits like my arm where he bit me in several places) really hurts from being twisted and tbh I’m not entirely sure what else but it’s very painful and looks swollen. I’m wondering if I need to get it checked in the morning. Problem is I have no real reason for it being like this and I’ve got visible marks all up my arms. What happens if someone in the nhs for example suspects your husband has done this? I can’t have it on my notes for multiple reasons, and even a sniff of anything like this and he will instantly be suspended. That will make my situation a million times worse as we wouldn’t have any money to pay for the house etc (I have a decent job but we are joint on an expensive mortgage and he earns 4x more than me - we have some assets but nothing we can easily access so would pretty much immediately default on the mortgage which would be detrimental to us both). Even when I do split up from him, I don’t want him to lose his whole career - he genuinely is good at it and never goes to work drunk or anything like that. It’s also the only thing stopping him becoming a full blown alcoholic who is drunk all day, every day.

I know the easy answer is to leave him and I almost certainly will as I know this is toxic. I know I also haven’t behaved well. The sad thing is that when he’s not drinking he’s a great husband - in fact, 90% of the time when he’s drinking he’s actually still nice to be around - but when work stress kicks in he becomes a monster). Can I get medical care without making this situation worse?

Do have kids with this man?

No, if I did I’d appreciate it’s a totally different situation and there’d be no question about leaving right now. But I don’t have any family and need to get myself into the position where I can leave and have a clean-ish break.

You need help to leave this man. Even with no home and no money you can rebuild and be free from him.

Who do you know that can help you? If there is nobody in real life you can contact Women’s Aid as a start for advice.

You will come back from this. Maybe start with the healthcare professionals and ask for the strictest confidence. Wishing you well.

I don’t know anyone, and I’m worried about people finding out and the repercussions that would have on him - he’s far from a saint, but he doesn’t deserve to lose his career and everything he has built because of it. I’d much prefer to quietly get my ducks in a row and leave when I can have a clean break.

if a medical professional found out, would they not have an obligation to report it? Also to his own professional body?

You are not responsible for what happens to him due to his behaviour and addiction. You need to let that go. He is the only person responsible for the consequences of his actions. You cannot fix him.

Look after yourself and put yourself first. The best time to leave is now. Get help from your local domestic abuse organisation.

i think , kindly you are looking at this the wrong way round. It won’t be your fault if he looses his job or gets prosecuted it will be his.
Sidebar throw away all the alcohol you have in your car. The fact that you have to hide it there should bring you up short.

Sorry OP, but going through a difficult time and having a drink problem are not an excuse for domestic violence. Stop making excuses for him and stop worrying about how your disclosure to medical professionals would affect him. Start thinking about yourself and put yourself and your safety first. He's an adult - any repercussions he will have brought upon himself. Please contact Women's Aid and make a plan to leave safely.

Is this the first time he has been violent? If so, it’s a slippery slope from here and I really am concerned for your safety.

I know you say this isn’t a post about leaving but you need to leave immediately - has he acknowledged how he acted?

Money can be earned again but the emotional damage this is causing you will destroy you.

Please put yourself first before this gets any worse.

you may want the record of his violence in future for an occupation order for the house or a non molestation order to keep you safe in future. I get where you are coming from with your worries I’ve been in your situation, well similar. What I most regret is that I came up will all kinds of excuses for my injuries and most were believed so when I then needed evidence to keep me safe when I did leave I didn’t have it. One record read clearly like they didn’t believe me but they couldn’t do anything because I stuck to my story. So if you feel you absolutely have to lie (and I don’t think you should) say you fell- a really flimsy excuse that’s clearly not true and stick to that story. If they speak to him and he says the same they won’t do anything especially as there are no children in the situation. Then when you leave on future hopefully the record will say you said you fell but injuries not consistent.

but as others have said. It won’t be you costing him his career it will be him. Speak to woman’s aid try to get onto a group session of the freedom program. That for me was life changing hearing others stories and their worries about how trying to leave had impacted their abuser made me angry on their behalf and then more comfortable accepting their feedback to me I’m doing nothing wrong wanting to leave and being open about how he treated me.

get photos now of your injuries. If you have clear bite marks then maybe you already have enough evidence he’s abusive and can get him out the house. My ex defended that I couldn’t prove my injuries were from him and that was acceptable in our justice system. If you have clear bite marks maybe they will bother to record it and that can be tied to him personally

you can’t rebuild your life if he kills you which he seems eminently capable of when fuelled by a drunken rage. I do have some personal experience of this sadly and once the violence when drinking had happened once it didn’t stop.
he is not your problem to fix he has done this to his relationship, career and life and you can negative all the aspects of your separation from a safe distance. @Burntt is right though on the basis of your injuries and all other aspects to this situation you should pursue an NMO and should report this to the police who can investigate. If he is charged and bailed then conditions of bail apart form having a NMO if you apply would certainly include not contacting you.

“he’s far from a saint, but he doesn’t deserve to lose his career and everything he has built because of it.”

why doesn’t he? He can choose to not drink for 6 weeks so he looks “good” at work to his bosses. But he can’t choose not drink so he doesn’t aggressively injure his own wife?

Fuck that

It isn't a question of deserving or not deserving.

It's a question of your safety.

You can either choose to wait and hope your hand improves; wait and risk permanent damage to your hand; or go for treatment. This will bring consequences yes.

But you are going to have to bite the bullet and make one of those decisions. You can't wave a wand and hope it all goes away, which I think you secretly want. You may love him, but that 10% of the time when he's drunk he's actively dangerous.

You're deep in the wood not seeing the trees, lovely.

He's an addict and alcohol is more important to him than your safety and wellbeing. Please prioritise yourself and get medical help for your injuries.

Yes they will have an obligation to report.

sorry.

human bites are pretty distinctive as well.

all bites can be tricky as mouths have bacteria in and they can become infected. My dc bit me on various occasions when a toddler.

if you’ve taken bites and injury to an arm it’s likely you’ve got some soft tissue damage. Painkillers will help - paracetamol and neurofen.

please keep an eye on the bites as if they become swollen and visibly infected it can impact your whole system and make you very ill and you really will need to seek medical assistance in that case.

if you contact women’s aid they will be able to help you in making a safety plan so that you can physically get away should the situation reoccur.

you may also find al-anon helpful as they have a helpline for spouses and others affected by an slcoholic.

thanks for taking the time to read, and I know that I’d be giving the same advice as you all to a friend. But I honestly just want to get my ducks in a row. I know things won’t change and he will always put alcohol first - I find it very frustrating that he can and does have insight into this but only sometimes, most of the time it’s denial and gas lighting. It’s truly heartbreaking.

He put a lot more money into the house than I did as he had sold a previous properly before this one so I don’t think it’s right I stay. Besides, I can’t even cover the mortgage - it’s only a couple of hundred less than my take home since we had to remortgage a couple of years ago! Interest rates added nearly £1k extra a month to it. I want to clear as much debt as I can (not got loads but enough to be a problem starting over) and start saving enough to get my own place. I’ve got a bit of a secret stash but not enough, and I don’t have anyone I can stay with (plus I couldn’t leave without the dog or cat).

We haven’t spoken today. Last time I saw him he was screaming at me to leave him alone as I was trying to get some of my stuff from our bedroom, blocking the door. I heard the pop of a champagne cork that I’d saved for a special occasion being opened that he had managed to get out the car a few minutes later, so can’t imagine he will be up any time soon. He doesn’t work on Wednesdays. I’ve woken up quite bruised and with clear bite makes and have taken photos of them. I’m also meant to be going to the GP and have a hospital appointment in the next couple of days and really worried they will see them as they’re right where blood will need to be taken. I know you will all disagree with me here but does anyone know if can I insist nothing is recorded or shared? Dreading him waking up and I’m trying to battle through a normal day of work as if nothings happened and I’ve had more than an hours sleep!

There is an obligation to report.

this is not like gdpr where you have some level of control over your information.

if nhs staff see injuries and suspect abuse they HAVE to report.

you cannot insist on anything and if you try that’ll be documented as well (and it’ll just add to the suspicion of abuse).

Ah ok, that’s definitely not the answer I wanted to hear! Who do they report it to?

Both Dogs Trust and cats protection
League could help re your dog and cat respectively .

Why would you want to keep his abuse of you quiet?. Have you not suffered enough at his hands?. What’s the logic behind that?. You and not snd have never been responsible for his actions.

Keeping his abuse of you quiet helps no one least of all him. Abuse thrives on secrecy and it’s not your fault if he is prosecuted for his crimes. He is both a drunkard and violent with it. What happens to him is not your responsibility, you did not drive him to abuse you. He chose to do that because he hates women, all of them. Did you meet him when you were vulnerable and or in a bad place yourself?. He targeted you to abuse you.

Nothing is worth staying longer for, the longer you’re there the more danger you’re in of bent seriously hurt or killed.

There will be women’s charities and people who can help you if you leave now but if you stay you are literally putting your life at risk.

Read about codependency in relationships and see how much this relates to your own behaviour more. I think you are mired in codependency and sunk costs fallacy and both are acting here in you making poor relationship decisions.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your dad treat your
mum similarly?.

OP, your opening post is all full of him, justifying why he feels the way he does and why he behaves the way he does. You need to stop. This isn't about him, it's about you and the way he makes you feel.

It's clearly affecting your mental health and if he has a job that requires him being drug and alcohol tested but he's still indulging, then he DOES deserve to lose his job, because otherwise other people could be affected, and these would be innocent people.

As it stands you are at high risk of being attacked again. He could well go on to put you in the morgue if he is not stopped.

I doubt he is ever truly sober because he’s always on a comedown from alcohol.

I understand what you’re saying but he doesn’t hate women or anything like that. We had an absolutely normal, loving, respectful relationship for the first 6 years we were together, but everything changed during Covid. It was a very stressful time for our family (not going into details because it’s identifying) and he dealt with some horrific things that he shouldnt have dealt with. He hit total burn out and that’s when the drinking changed from drinking a bit too much at the weekend but being out with friends/me and never drinking in the week. The anger at me I think is largely about control - he always screams at me when he’s in moods like this that I’m trying to control him (eg stop him from drinking). I’m the only person he can take out his anger on about the issues he’s facing at work, the investigation he’s already faced etc (which was very fair but the whole thing could have been avoided had his work been more understanding). I know now he’s terrified of losing the house and letting everyone down, including his wider family and he’s just very angry with his situation (I do think he needs to take some personal responsibility here too). How he acts now is completely unrecognisable to him for the first 6 years we were together and its gradually got worse since then.

Theres also no way I could put my pets into kennels etc - they never have been before and they’re my absolute rock!

thank you for your advice though, it really is appreciated.

@plsnojudgement all I can see if you defending this man’s actions and it’s so sad.

Even murderers and rapists have their “nice” qualities. That doesn’t take away from the bad they do.

You are not responsible for fixing or saving this man. Save yourself.

Get support from Al Anon which is a fellowship for those who have someone in there life who has or had a problem with alcohol. The link is below.

Also contact Women's Aid for your local area. They will counsel you without telling you what to do.

They will help you look at your options, etc

Al Anon details are

al-anonuk.org.uk/