Where do I go from here? Please be kind..

[2026LC]

I've been with my partner for many years. There's a lot of negative history with drink, drugs and messaging other women. I will NEVER make excuses for his behaviour, but its such a difficult situation (I appreciate some wouldn't consider it difficult and would have left years ago) because typically he has a nice side, and we share a daughter, so my emotions and what I should do constantly feel all over the place. Without going into all the details of the past, ill focus on the present and give a few examples of why this is so wrong...

Christmas Eve were in the car with our daughter and his sons from previous relationship (young adults) on our way to dinner - he tells me "Shut your f***g mouth" because I misheard him and tried explaining myself. I told him to pull over as I was no longer going for dinner or tolerating him talking to me like that. I walked home and missed out on a family meal and so sat at home alone. No apology. His sons never tell him to watch his mouth either!

Last week, he came home said he had a surprise at 7pm and we were meeting someone. Needed to know if i was getting something for dinner after my dd swimming lesson that evening so asked him, he said "do what you want" - my mind is thinking well if the surprise is we are going for a meal I'm not about to go and get something to eat. Long story short he said me and my daughter had ruined the surprise by asking this and making him tell us what the plan was, that we were both vile by making him give up the surprise. Also confessed were eating out with his dad. He then told me he'd told his dad over text how vile i was. When we sat down to eat that night following all this, his dad made a comment, I said "there's two sides to every story" - my partner tells me to "shut the fuck up" Infront of everyone including our dd.

This morning, I made a funny comment (everything was fine - it was a lighthearted joke) and said he was very negative all the time. He said "hopefully you'll do something about it" meaning leave. Again Infront of my dd - shes 10.

Yesterday at the shop, he also AGAIN in front of my dd said something like "whats left of our relationship" another sarcastic, horrible comment. To also emphasise what he can be like, we are in the supermarket yesterday he throws all my empty shopping bags on the floor at the end of the till, and uses only the only he needed to pack the shopping. My dd looks at me, rolls her eyes and starts picking them up as if to say even she knows that's very strange behaviour!

WTF is my life and this situation!!!

Now I am aware I am trauma bonded, but my biggest concern here is taking my dd from her dad (in terms of living) - I actually own a property myself but don't live there, so my ducks are in a row. We'd be ok in terms of this.

Is there any advice for taking the next steps? I feel sick all the time with anxiety because of being so torn. When things are good they are good but I am so conscious of the impact this can have on my child (me staying in this relationship) she won't cope well. She loves her dad a lot - hes not all bad. I am terrified of being alone and regret because my head will forever torture me with thoughts of all the good.

Oh, when I have said I can't do this in the past - he has been upset and wants me to stay.

Thanks everyone. I'm mentally drained. Leaving feels horrifically scary!

Are you certain that the good bits of this relationship are worth it OP, when you set them against the bad bits, in particular that your young daughter regularly watches you being insulted and abused by your partner, and for sure will be learning that this is how the woman is treated in acceptable relationships?

No, and I desperately want to leave for the exact reason that this will be shaping my dd future in terms of what she thinks is ok. I feel sick at this thought. I just need some help as to how you do ‘ok’ in leaving.

I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way.

You need to leave to show your DD that this is not an example of a loving relationship. If you don’t want better for yourself, then please want better for her.

This man is not a loving father. He is an abuser.

She may love her dad but this is no way for her to live. Childhood trauma like this can impact her for her whole adult life. Please put a stop to this for both of you and leave him. Just because he isn’t 100% bad doesn’t mean you should stay. Your DD may well end up in a similar relationship if this is the only example she has.

Of course you are going to be ok without him. You were ok before you met him. You can do this and you will do it for your daughter. Good luck x

It’s so awful to find yourself in a situation, knowing you didn’t pick a good one for your child or yourself. He knows right from wrong, has a great job, very stable financially and is intelligent. Very emotional, can show a very loving side. The constant rollercoaster of not knowing what you’re going to get has ruined me. It’s that fear isn’t it that someone else will get the best of him. I do wonder if he actually is bipolar.

Your daughter is programmed to love her parents, the children of even the worst abusers do that. Children if abusive parents don't know any better. Your daughter is subject to emotional abuse, because even if her father's vitriol is always directed at you, she hears and sees his appalling behaviour. Unless you want to be complicit in the emotional abuse of your daughter you must remove her from the situation. If you have another home to go to, you have no excuse for keeping her in an abusive home.

When you say it like that, it makes me feel awful (reality check) - “there is no excuse for keeping her in an abusive home”.

….its so true. I just wish it didn’t feel so god damm hard.

There are good parts to every man who abuses his partner op. Otherwise you wouldn't have been on a second date with him. And that's what this is - domestic abuse.

You're doing your dd zero favours by staying with him. Girls in particular are much more likely to go on into abusive relationships in the future when they grow up watching it in their parents relationships. So the best gift you can give your dd is to teach her that sometimes we love someone, but we have to love ourselves more and walk away to protect ourselves. Do the thing you would want her to do if things were reversed and she was in a relationship with someone who treats her the way your husband treats you.

Get support from womens aid, get yourself therapy to give yourself a healthy outlet for the trauma rather than depending on your dd for that and move out into your own property. She deserves to have you as her parent rather than be her parents confidante.

The fear that someone else will get the best of him is irrelevant while you are getting the worst of him.

Also op just to clarify for you, this is not a case of he can't help it. He is making a very conscious choice to treat you this way in order to control you and have you working harder to meet his needs in the relationship than what he has to contribute. This is why he won't change for you, it's in his best interests at the moment to continue treating you this way and really you're giving him absolutely zero reason to change simply by being with him. Even if you broke up and went back later you'd just be telling him that he can do what he wants because you've no boundaries. He's not going to be the best for someone else he'll just be another womans nightmare.

Is he still using and drinking because that would be a place to start

It’s that fear isn’t it that someone else will get the best of him.

Why does it matter? The only thing you should focus on is that YOU don’t get the best of him. You never will.

Sure, he will meet someone new at some point and will probably be nice to her at the beginning.

He will tell her you’re tue crazy ex who never appreciated him. She’ll believe him until his true colours come out. Then the cycle will start again.

You’ve been in an abusive relationship for so long that you probably don’t realise just how bad it is. Once you break free from him (and I really hope you do) you will start to see much more clearly and you won’t believe you put up with it for so long.

I recommend you get in touch with Women’s Aid.

Bipolar people aren't abusive. Your partner is though!

I hope this isnt going to sound like im diminishing what you are going through but you need to think of it like this.
Your daughter might love him but he is not good for her. He isnt being a good dad, because a good dad wouldnt want to put their co parenting partner under the distress he puts you under, in case that impacted your daughter. He ESPECIALLY wouldnt be awful to you in front of your daughter, because a good dad would think 'im angry but i would be a bad dad to let my daughter see me lash out like this'.

You can love chocolate and it give you spots.
You can love something that isnt good for you. It is your responsibility as a parent to do what you can to reduce the impact. You can do this.

And op just to say as well, you might not be 'ok' initially. You might be really devastated and scared and figuring it all out and the thing is : that's okay. You're a human being. Noone walks away from a relationship like what you're in running on full steam. You need to have grace with yourself to allow yourself to take support that's available and allow yourself to heal. And gradually you get back up on your feet. Your dd will be a great motivation for you to do it but you'll need time to grieve what you wanted the relationship to be and what you wanted for your future as that will look different. Getting your ducks in a row also means rallying friends, linking in support organisations and a counsellor, speaking to your employer so you create a safe space for you to feel your feelings and be upset. And you do the same for your dd and put those things in place for her as well. When I left my ds father I was devastated, I took time off work, still sent him to nursery and then spent the day in bed crying, then got up collected him, made dinner played and did bedtime and then cried my eyes out again when he went to sleep. But that is temporary. 6 months/a year down the road I was in a very, very different place. Now 2 years on, in our own home, promoted at work and I feel really good in myself and ds is thriving. Look at what you're parenting in the midst of now, imagine what you'll be capable of without all that negativity and fear dragging you down.

While this might seem very challenging and confusing to you in the moment, a little bit of distance and clarity of thought will make you wonder what on earth you were confused or in two minds about. Everything you are describing is unacceptable behaviour towards you (and for your child to be around). Few abusers are abusive 24x7 - doesn't mean it isn't abuse, and doesn't mean you shouldn't leave and think yourself (and your child) as deserving better. Please get some counseling, and find the courage and clarity of mind to leave this situation.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

This is why you're referencing personality shifts and bipolar op. He's not treating you this way because of mental ill health, he's just working round the cycle of violence to keep you in his strings so he can continue to manipulate you. This link and the diagram might help shed some light on what you've been living with. It's classic dv.

He sounds absolutely monstrous. You’re a fool if you stay with him and allow yourself to be undermined and spoken down to. And you’re damaging your daughter in the process.

What have I just read 😫 please leave with your daughter and don't look back. She is learning every day that it's ok for men to treat women this way - if you can't leave for yourself, do it for her. You chose to be with this arsehole, she didn't.

He’s not bipolar Op. He’s doing it on purpose… to hook you and then abuse and then keep you from leaving and then abuse you again. It’s a well known pattern.

Setting your DD aside for a minute, you deserve better for yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You deserve someone who chooses you and your wellbeing every single day, who has your back.

He can clearly control his behaviour - I assume he doesn’t tell his work colleagues to shut their fucking mouths? So however good the “good” times might be, he repeatedly chooses to abuse you.

Yes your DD shouldn’t grow up witnessing abuse, however you need to decide that you deserve better, because leaving for your child places more responsibility on her for your happiness and that’s not fair to her. She should grow and develop in a safe home because you deserve a safe home. Seeing you have high standards for the treatment you accept in relationships teaches her to do the same but it needs to start with you.

It sounds like you’re able to leave, so leave. Otherwise you tell him, and your DD, everyday that you deserve to be treated badly, and you don’t deserve that.

….this cycle kills me. The weekends been perfect. How do I get out of this.

You just need to get to the point where the bad parts outweigh the good. And you focus on your dd and what you want for her future relationships. You get yourself support. You talk to people who care about you in the real world about the truth of what's happening. And you contact womans aid. They will support you even when you're only considering leaving.

This weekend being "perfect" SHOULD be your norm and could be with someone else. Or even just with your dd on your own with noone potentially blowing up.

You need to accept that you are in an abusive cycle, and the 'perfect' isn't perfect because it's a manipulation and it doesn't last.

…..yesterday. Picks my daughter and I up from the train station as we’d been into London. Our daughter was hungry so we went though a drive through. Refused to order for us from the drivers seat. Told my daughter “order then” she was so confused and unsure so I asked him to do it ? He said why the fuck should he, told me to order from the back of the car. Gave him my debit card so he could then pay he threw it back at me. I lost the card. Then refused to take the order from the women, just sat there and stared at his phone in silence so I had to from the back. The woman was disgusted you could tell and so shocked by his behaviour. Got home, he went straight upstairs. Our daughter burst out crying to me. Today we’re meant to be going out, he’s told her he’s not coming with us because of our attitudes.