Where do I go from here? Please be kind..

[2026LC]

I've been with my partner for many years. There's a lot of negative history with drink, drugs and messaging other women. I will NEVER make excuses for his behaviour, but its such a difficult situation (I appreciate some wouldn't consider it difficult and would have left years ago) because typically he has a nice side, and we share a daughter, so my emotions and what I should do constantly feel all over the place. Without going into all the details of the past, ill focus on the present and give a few examples of why this is so wrong...

Christmas Eve were in the car with our daughter and his sons from previous relationship (young adults) on our way to dinner - he tells me "Shut your f***g mouth" because I misheard him and tried explaining myself. I told him to pull over as I was no longer going for dinner or tolerating him talking to me like that. I walked home and missed out on a family meal and so sat at home alone. No apology. His sons never tell him to watch his mouth either!

Last week, he came home said he had a surprise at 7pm and we were meeting someone. Needed to know if i was getting something for dinner after my dd swimming lesson that evening so asked him, he said "do what you want" - my mind is thinking well if the surprise is we are going for a meal I'm not about to go and get something to eat. Long story short he said me and my daughter had ruined the surprise by asking this and making him tell us what the plan was, that we were both vile by making him give up the surprise. Also confessed were eating out with his dad. He then told me he'd told his dad over text how vile i was. When we sat down to eat that night following all this, his dad made a comment, I said "there's two sides to every story" - my partner tells me to "shut the fuck up" Infront of everyone including our dd.

This morning, I made a funny comment (everything was fine - it was a lighthearted joke) and said he was very negative all the time. He said "hopefully you'll do something about it" meaning leave. Again Infront of my dd - shes 10.

Yesterday at the shop, he also AGAIN in front of my dd said something like "whats left of our relationship" another sarcastic, horrible comment. To also emphasise what he can be like, we are in the supermarket yesterday he throws all my empty shopping bags on the floor at the end of the till, and uses only the only he needed to pack the shopping. My dd looks at me, rolls her eyes and starts picking them up as if to say even she knows that's very strange behaviour!

WTF is my life and this situation!!!

Now I am aware I am trauma bonded, but my biggest concern here is taking my dd from her dad (in terms of living) - I actually own a property myself but don't live there, so my ducks are in a row. We'd be ok in terms of this.

Is there any advice for taking the next steps? I feel sick all the time with anxiety because of being so torn. When things are good they are good but I am so conscious of the impact this can have on my child (me staying in this relationship) she won't cope well. She loves her dad a lot - hes not all bad. I am terrified of being alone and regret because my head will forever torture me with thoughts of all the good.

Oh, when I have said I can't do this in the past - he has been upset and wants me to stay.

Thanks everyone. I'm mentally drained. Leaving feels horrifically scary!

Just words. Words, body language, silence, anger, throwing things are every bit as danaging as physical violence. What you are living through is considered domestic abuse. It’s a shock to call it domestic abuse (it took me some getting used to).

Your DD is learning that it’s ok for men to treat women this way. It is not. She may find herself in a similar relationship. How would you feel knowing that you contributed to her thinking this is normal? The best thing you could do for you and your daughter is leave, as soon as possible.

I speak as someone who was in an abusive relationship for 9 years. I get the trauma bond stuff but this is NOT ok. This is really not ok.

It will be one of the hardest things you ever have to do but you will very soon realise how stupid you were for waiting so long. It will soon become the best. There are good men out there, if you want another one.

I could go on and on about how he’s not a good man and you deserve more etc but I feel it will fall on deaf ears.

The long and short of it is, you have a daughter caught up in this toxic mess. Do better by her.

I’m doing this for her. After last night, I’ve had the biggest shock as to how he can behave. I can do this right?

Stop with the 'trauma bonded' stuff.

Of course it is emotionally difficult to leave but you are in the very fortunate position of having another home to go to.

You do have agency here and you need to use it for your daughter. I get that it's a short hand way to describe your situation but you are able to recognise what he's doing to you because you've described it here.

If you are unable to break that bond now then take steps to address it. Contact Women's Aid. Do the freedom programme.

But don't use it to excuse continuing a relationship that you have identified is bad for you and your daughter.

Sorry if this is harsh. I think you need to hear it's okay to leave and that there are things more damaging to children than separated parents.

This is no way to live.

Sorry I started typing before your update.

Yes you can do it and the sense of peace will be immeasurable.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? What were you like before you met him?

It won't be easy. You'll miss the good bits but you cannot spend your life with someone so openly contemptuous of you.

Ok OP…

1. Leave
2. Your daughter will be miles better off without him around being abusive the whole time
3. He sounds useless enough that once you leave he’s probably not going to bother with either of you which will make your life so much easier
4. A lot of your trauma/anxiety comes from being near him. Your subconscious is fighting against your conscious. Your fight or flight is permanently on screaming at you to get as far as possible away from the danger. You will be totally burntout and exhausted from maintaining that level of emotional stress
5. START THINKING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER. That’s your only concern now. It will take time and training to teach your brain to stop entering him but you can quite happily take back a massive amount of headspace by dropping the rope. His shitty comments? You won’t hear them as you won’t be there. Drive through? Order your own without having the embarrassment of an abusive manchild in the car. You will send weekends laughing with your daughter doing things you both enjoy. You won’t need to worry about his reaction to anything. It will be just you two, living happily and loving life
6. LEAVE!!!!!

Re-frame your thinking. This man abuses women and children. If your DD gets more assertive as she gets older, how long before he hits her to shut her up? You have to protect yourself and her. You are more fortunate than many other women in similar situations, because you have a property you can go to. Just go.

You understand that he actively dislikes BOTH of you, right?

Jobs for tomorrow:

1. get up early and pack some bags for yourself and your daughter
2. take daughter to school
3. contact women’s aid for help on how to proceed.
4. see a solicitor for practical help on arranging a divorce.
5. pick up daughter from school and move to alternative property.

……this will sound crazy given his behaviour yesterday, but he may dislike me… but I know he adores our dd.

That’s not what bipolar is.
If someone said ‘shut the fuck up’ to me that would be it.
Get your daughter out of there before she ends up in the same situation.

Yes you can. When you waiver read this thread back.

Oh OP no. No no and some more no thrown in

Is that what being “adored” is? He’s fucking vile, making a child cry like that. She’s not ok OP, she won’t be ok as an adult either

children do not think how we do, they internalise everything and assume they are the problem. She’ll be working her arse off to try and keep her angry dad and her sad mum happy. I’m trying to be gentle here because I don’t think being blunt will help you but it’s upsetting for me as a stranger to read how he’s treating her. You’re her mum, step up and protect her

Stop having the attitude of I can do this right and start having the attitude of I must absolutely do this no matter what.

You can halt the damage your daughter has suffered and hopefully save her from future damage as an adult.

This is not bipolar, this his Jim being a twat

No he doesn't. If he "adored" your daughter he would care about what he says and how he acts around her. He really couldn't give a toss about either of you, his behaviour proves that.

Dear @2026LC
This sounds so hard. the actual packing and walking out is tough but after that you will feel better.

Your DH thinks he can behave how he wants and you will put up with anything. HE has lost respect for you.

Once you move to a place that's yours, you may feel very sad, but you will not have that jittery anxiousness that's constantly there when waiting to see how someone else is going to behave. It's so much better.

He will be shocked and surprised you've stood up for yourself.

You will feel better about yourself straight away as you've taken control of your life and your own outcome.

Good luck OP - believe in yourself x

He doesn’t adore your DD - he just sees her as another female to abuse bully and control.

Hes showing you what comes next - don’t drag your heels get out!

OP, you have asked people to be kind but you are not being kind to your daughter or to yourself. You are luckier than many abused women as you have a place to go to and it's your own! Don't make any more excuses for this vile man, your poor daughter is most likely scared and confused and you are letting her be verbally abused as well as yourself. Please protect her and leave now. She deserves better than this.

Are you joking? He fucking does not

He treats both of you like shit whenever he chooses.

You will be letting your DD down massively by not leaving.

Your dd will be grateful to be out of that atmosphere. I never left (He has severe and persistent mental disorders but is very compliant with treatment. Unfortunately he still loses it sometimes.)

My girls are now in their 40's. They saw his rages, though it was never directed at them. I was too afraid of the consequences of leaving on all of us, and it obviously affected their lives, then and now.

He and I have both acknowledged the damage and apologized many times to them. My therapist later told me that so many of the young adults she works with are devastated that their parents minimize or deny all the bad things that happened. She was surprised, but pleased that we have been so proactive and tried to make amends.

Recognizing and confessing to our mistakes helped all of us. Actually, dd1 asked me to let go of the shame and regret because she had forgiven us and wanted to move forward without the baggage. Dd2 has also forgiven us and worked through things with her therapist. She practices Radical Acceptance and says those incidents are now tools in her toolbox and thinks she's a better teacher because of it.

I know how fortunate we are to have come out of this as a close and loving family. Still, all of it was damaging and I will always regret not changing the situation.

Take your daughter and go. You will be showing her that you don't let people treat you that way. She needs to see that strength in you, and you need it too.

So to be clear you have been with this man for many years. He has an online presence where he does not acknowledge you. I assume then that he does not acknowledge your daughter either?
He gets angry with you for posting about her birthday but poses as single online so he can reel in other women.
He abuses you at home. He is now abusing you in public in front of others and your daughter. This means he is now abusing your daughter. He does not adore her.
He hates you and he is two steps away from starting on her. The throwing of the card in the car was abusing both of you, not just you.
He is upsetting her through abusing you.
He is a sick man. I don’t care how clever he is at work, he’s sick.
Men like this commit abuse in public in front of other powerless people - shop workers, takeaway operatives. They do it for power and because they know they are humiliating everyone involved - wife, daughter, lowly worker he thinks he is better than.
I know you’ve asked for kindness but to be frank it’s not helping you.
Stop going on about trauma bonding and put your daughter before yourself. If you had no money, no job, Ill health and no social connections my heart would ache for you.
But you have a home and resources. Every day you stay you are ensuring that one day your daughter will meet someone like him.
She may seem okay so far but stay and teenage years will bring a whole host of issues.
You have a chance to save her, and save her now.
Stop putting whatever misguided love you have for this cheating, abusive piece of crap before your own daughter.
He does not adore your daughter.
If you stay, you aren’t adoring her either.
I am sorry to be harsh and not kind but sometimes it’s needed.

Stop kidding yourself - people who 'adore' other people don't behave this way towards them. Please stop looking for reasons to stay with this nasty man!

This. I left my non abusive my marriage after 28 years. Yes, it causes chaos and upheaval to start with, but you just need to get on with it.

Especially if you have a young child. Moaning on this site wont change a thing. 🤷‍♀️