Grandparents with no boundaries

[SarahAndQuack]

Context: I have a difficult relationship with my parents; they can be pretty awful and over the years I have reduced contact down quite a bit. I must admit that my mum was great when my daughter was a baby/toddler. At the moment I don't want to go no-contact, but I am trying to get my mind around boundaries.

About a year/18 months ago, when my DD was 7, my parents came up for a visit and mentioned they'd like to find some alphabet letters they'd brought up for DD when she was much younger. I did have a dim memory these were a loan not a permanent gift, but honestly, I had lost track of them. I apologised and said I couldn't find them, and thought the matter was closed. While I was out, they went through DD's room, pulling things out of drawers and out from under her bed. I came home and DD was quite upset; they'd done this in front of her but without discussing it with her, and they'd left her room in a state.

At the time I was fairly shocked and pointed out it was her room; that it was her private space, and that she was upset. There was a vague apology but I got the sense they were really more bothered about the letters.

Since then, and for other reasons, I've told them that they need to back off with DD and respect her boundaries. I've also acknowledged to DD that they are in the wrong when they do things like this, because I want her to understand that she is entitled to her own boundaries.

I didn't realise DD was still upset about it, but this weekend one of our cats knocked over some things in her room and she commented, quite matter-of-factly, that the cat had made 'almost as much mess as that time granny and grandad wrecked my room'. It's obviously still on her mind.

I really just want some perspective. I hadn't thought to revisit the issue, and I'm not the least bit hopeful of getting a helpful response from them if I do, but I also don't want to let DD down. I don't know, developmentally/emotionally, what she needs to hear at this stage, if that makes sense.

This was horrible behaviour from them and if they're not able to see why it was wrong and offer a sincere apology to your DD, I'd definitely be making sure they don't have unsupervised contact with her.

The only thing that would annoy me is that they left the room in a mess. It wouldn’t bother me that they’d looked for the item, and I wouldn’t expect my child to be upset that granny had been in her bedroom. You knew said item was a loan and didn’t take care of it - that would likely annoy me! I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill tbh.

Get a grip 😂😂😂

They have very occasional unsupervised contact; I am thinking of moving it over to none, just because I don't feel I can trust them when I'm not there, because they just don't listen to her.

Why such a rude comment?
Going through a child's personal things like that, in front of said child who obviously doesn't like it, is horrible behaviour. It might be different if they'd been looking for a diamond ring or something but over some silly toy? Nope, I don't think OP is being unreasonable to have found this unacceptable

Yeah, there were so many ways to handle this that would have involved listening to your DD and respecting her and her personal space. Instead they chose to trample over her wishes and handle this in a nasty and unnecessary way. Not people I'd want having unsupervised access it my kid.

Well, but she was upset? I mean, it's her private space, and they'd not just 'been in there,' they'd been leaving her things in a mess and rummaging through them, which doesn't feel right to me.

I think the failure to find the letters was my failure, though, not DDs. It wasn't fair to ransack her room because I hadn't kept track of them.

I accept I should have taken more care, but honestly, after 3-4 years, I had just forgotten all about them. It's a set of alphabetic letters for a child learning to read; I found them a set, but they claimed it was different from the one they leant us, and honestly, I could not tell you the difference now.

I admit, if they'd lost something very precious I would obviously have helped them turn the whole house upside down.

At the time, though, they said 'have you got the alphabet letters we loaned you when DD was in nursery' and I said 'erm ... are they these ones? No? In that case I'm not sure we do, sorry'. It didn't occur to me that they would want me to look harder than that.

Is your DD really still upset about that episode? Did she specifically say that? From what you've said it's more a memory that she recalled when the cat made a similar mess.

Really, after 12/18 months, you and your DD should be able to put this behind you, not keep rehashing it.

Why did the grandparents want the letters back? Do they have another GC they want to give them to? It's unusual to loan something like that to a child, but if you were aware they were on loan you should have taken more care and given them back when your DD outgrew them. Did you offer to replace them if they wanted them back so badly?

For the record, I think they were very out of order to search the room for the letters in your absence, and even more unreasonable to leave the room in a mess.

I completely agree. You’re over reacting. I wouldn’t be pleased if someone lost something that I had loaned them.

You want them to respect you and your daughter's things, but clearly don't respect theirs? From your account you didn't even look for them - now that is rude and dismissive.

This happened at least a year ago and you're considering revisiting it? Really?

Really, do you have grandchildren? A loan is really difficult with young children and most people wouldn’t contemplate it. Toys are bound to get lost or broken.

OP, Your parents were completely wrong to go through your child’s possessions unless she was happy with it. They wouldn’t like it if you searched their room. I would make sure nothing like this happens again.

Their behaviour was totally out of line. Why wouldn’t they just say “we really need them back, please can you have a thorough search”? Or better yet, just get over the fact that a child’s toy, lent years ago and of low value, has been lost?

Messing up your daughter’s room in front of her is abhorrent. You wouldn’t do it to an adult so why is it ok to do it to a child?

No, she didn't say specifically; it was her comment that made me think. It may be you're right and I'm over-worrying. I hadn't thought about it since.

AFAIK, they just suddenly thought of the letters and wanted them; they don't have another grandchild that age. They could absolutely have had the set I could find, and I did offer to replace them like for like too. FWIW, when they initially brought them up, I said we didn't need them as DD had plenty, and they said we might as well hold onto them, so I really hadn't thought of them being a big deal.

Just because she is a child doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist and her feelings are invisible. What they did was destroy trust and safety in their relationship with her and yourself. Unless they have done some repair work with her then this will likely cause permanent damage.

I do see that; I offered them another set, and I offered to replace them. But I hadn't thought they were such an important thing as to be worth hunting for like that. And DD wasn't to blame, so shouldn't have been caught up in it.

I said I couldn't find them in my OP. I had looked. I also offered them another set that I could find. I wouldn't have known which set was which - they are just alphabet letters that you buy when they're learning to read.

The kid is 7! It’s not like they read the diary / texts of a teenager.

are you perhaps projecting that you were careless with their belongings ?

I think if you have a difficult relationship with them they shouldn’t see her unsupervised. There will always be issues.

Only because of the other things that have happened, as I said in my OP.

I hadn't thought about it again until DD mentioned it, and it made me think about other instances where they've not listened to her/not respected her boundaries, and it made me think it must still be on her mind. It hadn't occurred to me it would be something that would stick with her, but obviously it has.

They sound like bullies. To you and dd. What do a grown up pair need learn to write letters so desperately that they upset a small dc in the process?
They wouldn't be getting in my home again.

They were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not changed in all the years since.

Low contact as well often leads to no contact . If a parent or relative is too toxic/difficult for YOU to desk with, it’s the SAME deal for your child too. Your dd needs to know you have her interests at heart. Protect her and you from such malign influences. I presume you only allowed a relationship in the forlorn hope they would behave better this time around.

They’ve already trashed her room searching for some stupid alphabet letters, they care more about that than either you or their grandchild. And as for boundaries they will ignore any you care to set. Read Toxic Parents by Susan forward.

If they'd asked me to have a thorough search, I absolutely would have done that. There was nothing in their reaction when I told them I couldn't find their specific set of letters that made me think they were going to hunt for them themselves, or I'd have asked them not to.

I'm very much thinking in that direction (low contact-no contact), yep. I definitely don't want to feel DD is finding them difficult to deal with. I had thought I was doing ok at standing between her and them in situations like this, but the fact that it was on her mind made me question myself.

FWIW, it's not so much about hoping they'll behave better - it's a combination of the fact my mum genuinely was good with DD when she was tiny, and consideration of wider family dynamics, where no contact might be difficult right now (though perhaps not impossible later).

I suspect you know better than me how this pans out, though!