Context: I have a difficult relationship with my parents; they can be pretty awful and over the years I have reduced contact down quite a bit. I must admit that my mum was great when my daughter was a baby/toddler. At the moment I don't want to go no-contact, but I am trying to get my mind around boundaries.
About a year/18 months ago, when my DD was 7, my parents came up for a visit and mentioned they'd like to find some alphabet letters they'd brought up for DD when she was much younger. I did have a dim memory these were a loan not a permanent gift, but honestly, I had lost track of them. I apologised and said I couldn't find them, and thought the matter was closed. While I was out, they went through DD's room, pulling things out of drawers and out from under her bed. I came home and DD was quite upset; they'd done this in front of her but without discussing it with her, and they'd left her room in a state.
At the time I was fairly shocked and pointed out it was her room; that it was her private space, and that she was upset. There was a vague apology but I got the sense they were really more bothered about the letters.
Since then, and for other reasons, I've told them that they need to back off with DD and respect her boundaries. I've also acknowledged to DD that they are in the wrong when they do things like this, because I want her to understand that she is entitled to her own boundaries.
I didn't realise DD was still upset about it, but this weekend one of our cats knocked over some things in her room and she commented, quite matter-of-factly, that the cat had made 'almost as much mess as that time granny and grandad wrecked my room'. It's obviously still on her mind.
I really just want some perspective. I hadn't thought to revisit the issue, and I'm not the least bit hopeful of getting a helpful response from them if I do, but I also don't want to let DD down. I don't know, developmentally/emotionally, what she needs to hear at this stage, if that makes sense.