Grandparents with no boundaries

[SarahAndQuack]

Context: I have a difficult relationship with my parents; they can be pretty awful and over the years I have reduced contact down quite a bit. I must admit that my mum was great when my daughter was a baby/toddler. At the moment I don't want to go no-contact, but I am trying to get my mind around boundaries.

About a year/18 months ago, when my DD was 7, my parents came up for a visit and mentioned they'd like to find some alphabet letters they'd brought up for DD when she was much younger. I did have a dim memory these were a loan not a permanent gift, but honestly, I had lost track of them. I apologised and said I couldn't find them, and thought the matter was closed. While I was out, they went through DD's room, pulling things out of drawers and out from under her bed. I came home and DD was quite upset; they'd done this in front of her but without discussing it with her, and they'd left her room in a state.

At the time I was fairly shocked and pointed out it was her room; that it was her private space, and that she was upset. There was a vague apology but I got the sense they were really more bothered about the letters.

Since then, and for other reasons, I've told them that they need to back off with DD and respect her boundaries. I've also acknowledged to DD that they are in the wrong when they do things like this, because I want her to understand that she is entitled to her own boundaries.

I didn't realise DD was still upset about it, but this weekend one of our cats knocked over some things in her room and she commented, quite matter-of-factly, that the cat had made 'almost as much mess as that time granny and grandad wrecked my room'. It's obviously still on her mind.

I really just want some perspective. I hadn't thought to revisit the issue, and I'm not the least bit hopeful of getting a helpful response from them if I do, but I also don't want to let DD down. I don't know, developmentally/emotionally, what she needs to hear at this stage, if that makes sense.

I wasn’t referring to your child, I was referring to you.

Can I ask op? Do you feel like your parents micromanaged your life a lot when you were younger and did you feel suffocated, at times, by them? Almost as if their way was the only right way?

This nails it.
They don’t care about your child’s feelings, they just care about the toy and getting their own way with the activity. There’s a reason you feel uncomfortable about their actions only you know why, but you know it.

Kids take their cue from the adults close to them, so if you make a big deal about something they will also see it as a big deal in the future. Sounds like your reaction and discussion of it has cemented it as story in your DD's brain.

We only have your side of the story here, so we don't know if you're exaggerating or just seeing things differently (e.g. a mess vs ransacked etc).
I think it would be sad to cut down your DD's contact with her GPs over something like this.
I do feel like you're projecting your feelings from childhood onto the situation here.

Beware the keyboard psychoanalysts...😂

Says the poster who just told the OP she's projecting her feelings from childhood.

I must admit I read that and giggled too, because I thought the same. The cod-psych bit about parents' reactions is pretty similar, too.

I don't think DD is reacting to me reacting, but who knows.

Anyway ... @Manathma, yes, my parents are very explicitly 'my way is the only way' and they always have been. When they do this with DD I do try very hard to notice and step in.

I’m surprised by some of the comments on this thread.

Why would anyone think it is okay to search through someone else’s home?

I can only imagine how different the comments would be if you had conducted a search of your parent’s bedroom, looking for a tea towel you had “loaned” them 4 years earlier.

Your parents were out of line. Massively. How dare they think they can just go through all your daughter’s things. I’m not even going comment on the mess, because whether they left her room a mess or put everything back in its place, they should never have gone through it in the first place.

There is nothing you can do about it now, but I’d have been furious.

Also - who “loans” someone something they didn’t even want or ask for in the first place and for 4 YEARS! I’d have flung a tenner at them on their way out of my door, after I’d asked them to leave for having zero respect for me and my child.

We only have your side of the story here, so we don't know if you're exaggerating or just seeing things differently (e.g. a mess vs ransacked etc).

Irrelevant.

They had no right to go though their granddaughter’s things in their daughter’s home, mess or no mess.

In that case I see where you’re coming from. I grew up with similar parents who always thought they knew what was best for me. Still do actually. Overstepping boundaries, trying to change my mind and control my way of thinking. When I had dc I noticed it so much more as they were always micromanaging them as well. Dc found them irritating but knew they meant well. They would constantly hover over their shoulders and don’t understand the concept of giving someone space. A lot of what you described, even down to the fussing with her bike, is what my parents would do and then be offended that dc were annoyed and not accepting their help. I have taken a massive step back from them as it felt smothering. I definitely wouldn’t be happy about the room and agree they shouldn’t have been in her personal space. I think people who haven’t grown up with these kind of parents find it hard to understand as the room thing, on its own, seems quite minor. Going lc with mine these past few months has been the best thing for all of us

Actually I asked because the way she described her parents sounds a lot like how mine are. I have gone lc with them for mine, and my dc’s, own sanity. I get where the op is coming from

None of the things you've mentioned deserve LC it NC. You've said yourself that you don't know what their tone and demeanor were when they looked for the letters. The day out and activity thing isn't horrific. They'd clearly been looking forward to doing the activity with her and we're just hoping that she would get a second wind. And you've said that your mum had been a great GM until now

The other events... Well it seems that your just digging for minor things and vague memories that back up your OP.

Going NC and LC seems to be a trend that needs less and less cause, the longer that Mumsnet exists.

They're not minor things or vague memories - I was asked what other examples there might be that were more subtle, and those were what immediately came to mind. The whole point is that they're not immediate 'OMG get your child away now!' moments - if they were, I'd hardly be asking about them on MN.

I did say my mum was good with DD when she was tiny - that is quite a long time ago now. She's nearly 9.

I see why you think the time when they repeatedly asked DD to do something she'd repeatedly said she didn't want to do, was minor. I am quite sure my parents would say 'oh, but we just hoped she'd get a second wind!' Question is: when is it not ok to keep pestering a child? They kept on and on at her, and I had to step in. And they didn't even take the first (or fourth!) 'no' from me, either.

And that's the sort of thing that bothers me. It's not that they're innocently over-enthusiastic and have forgotten how children get tired. It's that they honestly expected me to overrule DD and say 'come on now, play with Granny, Granny wants you to play!'

And I don't think that's good parenting. A child isn't a performing animal. Yes, sure, sometimes you say 'would you do x because it would mean a lot to Granny'. But she had already politely done lots of activities that she wasn't terribly interested in doing. And she was genuinely tired. I can't, personally, see the appeal of making a child do something in that situation - I wouldn't enjoy it myself.

All of these things, if you take them in isolation, are easy to explain away. I do it myself. But cumulatively, I do start to worry.

Your poor daughter you are not over reacting my mum was like this I got my room
searched on a regular basis for years if something was locked she would try and break the lock I felt violated . She could see no problem ( even once I was over 18 and paying rent) the attitude was it’s my house I can do what I like but to do
it in your house is a big no

Why were they so desperate to have them back??

I don't really know! They were just those magnetic letters of the kind you can stick to a fridge. Possibly they were slightly heavier/ better quality than the set I was able to find for them; I can't remember. As best I understand, it was simply that my mum suddenly remembered I had them.

What are alphabet letters? I’m puzzled as to what this is and what is so precious about them. Why did they desperately need it

I think you're overreacting and dd is picking it up from you

Ive seen you post before about difficult situations and you come over consistently as reasonable, measured and sensible. Sensitive, in a good way.

In this case if your instincts are that smallish things are piling up into a big thing and something is subtly wrong, then I'd have faith in those instincts. You've thought them through, you've considered both sides, you know your parents and how they react to other people, and you're clearly thinking that something isn't right here.

I think you can trust your instincts, here.

The whole interaction with the alphabet letters seems really odd. Who lends a toy like the to their own grandchild and then demands it back when they have no apparent need for it? Especially when you said you didn’t even want it in the first place.

It seems like they are trying quite hard to create awkward situations and drama.

It really doesn’t sound like it’s ’still on DD’s mind’ just because she made reference to it when the cat made a mess ffs. OP it was horrible of them but it was 18 months ago! Let it go. You’re looking for problems

It really doesn’t sound like it’s ’still on DD’s mind’ just because she made reference to it when the cat made a mess ffs. OP it was horrible of them but it was 18 months ago! Let it go. You’re looking for problems

It really doesn’t sound like it’s ’still on DD’s mind’ just because she made reference to it when the cat made a mess ffs. OP it was horrible of them but it was 18 months ago! Let it go. You’re looking for problems

It really doesn’t sound like it’s ’still on DD’s mind’ just because she made reference to it when the cat made a mess ffs. OP it was horrible of them but it was 18 months ago! Let it go. You’re looking for problems

It really doesn’t sound like it’s ’still on DD’s mind’ just because she made reference to it when the cat made a mess ffs. OP it was horrible of them but it was 18 months ago! Let it go. You’re looking for problems