Page 5 | Healthy communication when disappointed - Example

Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum · 2026-01-19T00:13:30+00:00

I planned a nice dinner to celebrate my boyfriend's university graduation. I was really excited about it, and I wanted to make the night feel special. Things started off well, but about halfway through the meal, he got quiet. When I asked what was wrong, he said he didn't feel special. He said he wished I had asked him to reflect on the last two years of his degree and that the dinner felt like a "normal catch-up/date" (even though we hadn't seen each other in a few days). I even was like, let's go ahead, reflect and he was like no, it's not the same when it's not organic. I just felt so dismissed, I was with him, supporting him in material and emotional ways through this big life transition, from helping in his job search and his house search, helping him rehearse for big presentations. It was so confusing and hurtful. I was literally there, at a dinner I planned for him, and he was making it about what I ^wasn't^ doing. It's a pattern he has where he just thinks he's sharing his feelings and being honest. And then, the dessert came out. I had secretly arranged with the restaurant to have a special plate with "Congratulations my darling" written on it. He saw it and was genuinely surprised and happy. He apologised for his earlier comments and said it was sweet. For a moment, we went to being sweet again. But then, he immediately went back to "expressing his feelings". I am really struggling because I have a tendency to overthink and I am exhausted. Is this healthy relationship communication? I mean even if he actually was disappointed, shouldn't he have just let the dinner pass and maybe like say that I feel like I would like to reflect on this journey? But his focus on "being asked" questions like this feels more important than actually sharing them. He can be sweetest kindest human and I second guess myself. How do I deal with this? Please be gentle with your response.

Bloozie · 20/01/2026 23:29

Quite apart from the fact that you did a lovely thing and he got the arse on because you didn’t read his mind vis a vis the topic of conversation…

…the topic of conversation is dull as shit and deeply narcissistic. An in-depth reflection on the last two years?! You what?!

Rrrrrrrrrun.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 20/01/2026 23:30

Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum · 20/01/2026 22:52

He wanted questions like, how does it feel to have graduated/do you regret retraining to a new career/etc.

To answer your question, I do. I have a running list in my notes on my phone of all things he loves, said he wants to do or buy, random things or memories that stuck out when we talk. Like my problem is maybe I don't ask the type of questions he seems to be looking for but like I engage and expand, I don't shut things down and keep it superficial (whatever that means at this stage)

My thinking is like, just talk about them, and I will listen and ask and the conversation will follow. I don't get it. He just wanted me to initiate to prove i care? Maybe I should stop overanalysing and take things at face value, as what the hell.

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OP it’s manipulation and control, pure and simple. The fact that you’re still worrying about it and thinking it over indicates that he’s been behaving like this for long enough that it now doesn’t seem odd. Hopefully coming here will give you the sense check you need.

Just to be clear it’s not normal to be taken out for dinner by your other half and then spend most of it in a quiet sulk because she didn’t ask the sort of questions you wanted. Presumably when he was moaning that you hadn’t given him the focussed attention he expects for his ground breaking achievements he also listed the sort of questions that would have been acceptable? Can you see how utterly crazy this is?

Honestly if I went out for dinner with DH and got upset because he hadn’t asked the ‘right’ questions he’d probably grin at me and say (kindly) ‘Well if that’s what you wanted to talk about why didn’t you just bring it up you lunatic?’ And we’d both laugh and that would be the end of it.

Unless I kept doing it, in which case he’d tell me straight that he’s not a mind reader and that he’s not prepared to jump through conversational hoops for no good reason. I think in your case it’s already gone too far and you’ve probably already been jumping through his hoops for a while. Please stop, for your own good.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 20/01/2026 23:38

Lougle · 20/01/2026 23:11

I think this sounds like it's all quite hard work and unsustainable. DH isn't as deep a thinker as me. We've been married over 20 years. I can occasionally get a bit miffed that he takes things at face value but I've learned to have those deep conversations with similarly deep friends. If DH had to keep lists of things to talk about, think about, etc., it would be exhausting.

Your DP is going to have to accept that you just don't think the same way as him, or you'll find you're incompatible. You can't prop up your relationship by keeping lists of things to remember.

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I really don’t think this has anything to do with being a deep thinker or not. It’s about the OP’s boyfriend being utterly self obsessed and not happy that OP isn’t giving him the special attention he feels he deserves. That’s despite supporting him through uni and organising a lovely meal out with surprise dessert. For some reason he ‘needs’ her to invite him to talk about himself according to his own specific agenda or she’s spoiling things.

He sounds as shallow as a puddle to me.

FetchezLaVache · 20/01/2026 23:49

He wanted questions like, how does it feel to have graduated/do you regret retraining to a new career/etc

What a knob. You've been together for two years, surely these are themes you will have discussed to death in that time.

I have a running list in my notes on my phone of all things he loves, said he wants to do or buy, random things or memories that stuck out when we talk.

And what does he do to make sure you feel special, listened to or, generally, happy?

Original poster

Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum · 21/01/2026 00:39

FetchezLaVache · 20/01/2026 23:49

He wanted questions like, how does it feel to have graduated/do you regret retraining to a new career/etc

What a knob. You've been together for two years, surely these are themes you will have discussed to death in that time.

I have a running list in my notes on my phone of all things he loves, said he wants to do or buy, random things or memories that stuck out when we talk.

And what does he do to make sure you feel special, listened to or, generally, happy?

He does do sweet things like cook for me, buy me thoughtful gifts, initiates plans and books dates, etc.

It's all fine, until he is disappointed and then he kind of says things in very blunt and harsh ways, where I feel like there's a lot of things that have been irking him that get released and lead to him reacting disproportionally to what actually happened/was said. If that makes sense.

OP posts:

CameltoeParkerBowles · 21/01/2026 07:31

minipie · 19/01/2026 00:27

Wow you organised a dinner for him but it still wasn’t sufficiently all about him?

Wanker.

This one nails it pretty succinctly. What a self-absorbed little knobhead.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 21/01/2026 07:40

t's all fine, until he is disappointed and then he kind of says things in very blunt and harsh ways, where I feel like there's a lot of things that have been irking him that get released and lead to him reacting disproportionally to what actually happened/was said. If that makes sense.

When he is disappointed is it always over things you didn’t know about, like the example you give here? Is it always you doing one thing and him saying he wanted something else but hadn’t voiced it?

Because the more I read, the more I think that you’re going to stick with him, whatever PP here say. In which case all we can do is tell you a different way to deal with him. Next time he does this, stick up for yourself: ‘I’ve organised a lovely meal and you’re ‘disappointed’ because I haven’t asked the specific questions you wanted me to? I’m not a mind reader and never will be. If you want to talk about something that’s in your own head you have to be the one to raise it. And I also expect normal level of appreciation when I do a nice surprise for you so it’s your behaviour that’s unacceptable here not mine.’

How he reacts to the push back will tell you everything. If he’s still horrible about it then you know that what you’re signing up to is a future of never knowing whether your words or behaviour will be enough for him and walking on egg shells to keep him happy. Please reconsider whether you really want this.

ClearFruit · 21/01/2026 07:42

What an insufferable prick. End the relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2026 09:41

When was the last time he cooked for you?. What you’re also describing here in terms of he doing stuff for you is really the barest of bare minimums.

It still does not make up for the fact that he is both a a needy and immature man that you’re also supposed to worship and know his every move.

ReadingTime · 21/01/2026 11:41

CountryGirlInTheCity · 21/01/2026 07:40

t's all fine, until he is disappointed and then he kind of says things in very blunt and harsh ways, where I feel like there's a lot of things that have been irking him that get released and lead to him reacting disproportionally to what actually happened/was said. If that makes sense.

When he is disappointed is it always over things you didn’t know about, like the example you give here? Is it always you doing one thing and him saying he wanted something else but hadn’t voiced it?

Because the more I read, the more I think that you’re going to stick with him, whatever PP here say. In which case all we can do is tell you a different way to deal with him. Next time he does this, stick up for yourself: ‘I’ve organised a lovely meal and you’re ‘disappointed’ because I haven’t asked the specific questions you wanted me to? I’m not a mind reader and never will be. If you want to talk about something that’s in your own head you have to be the one to raise it. And I also expect normal level of appreciation when I do a nice surprise for you so it’s your behaviour that’s unacceptable here not mine.’

How he reacts to the push back will tell you everything. If he’s still horrible about it then you know that what you’re signing up to is a future of never knowing whether your words or behaviour will be enough for him and walking on egg shells to keep him happy. Please reconsider whether you really want this.

This is really good advice. Maybe he’s just young and self absorbed and he’s capable of being less of a twat. Or maybe he actually enjoys keeping you off balance and unsure of yourself by making these digs every now and then.

How he reacts to you saying these things will tell you what you need to know.

VoltaireMittyDream · 21/01/2026 19:29

CountryGirlInTheCity · 21/01/2026 07:40

t's all fine, until he is disappointed and then he kind of says things in very blunt and harsh ways, where I feel like there's a lot of things that have been irking him that get released and lead to him reacting disproportionally to what actually happened/was said. If that makes sense.

When he is disappointed is it always over things you didn’t know about, like the example you give here? Is it always you doing one thing and him saying he wanted something else but hadn’t voiced it?

Because the more I read, the more I think that you’re going to stick with him, whatever PP here say. In which case all we can do is tell you a different way to deal with him. Next time he does this, stick up for yourself: ‘I’ve organised a lovely meal and you’re ‘disappointed’ because I haven’t asked the specific questions you wanted me to? I’m not a mind reader and never will be. If you want to talk about something that’s in your own head you have to be the one to raise it. And I also expect normal level of appreciation when I do a nice surprise for you so it’s your behaviour that’s unacceptable here not mine.’

How he reacts to the push back will tell you everything. If he’s still horrible about it then you know that what you’re signing up to is a future of never knowing whether your words or behaviour will be enough for him and walking on egg shells to keep him happy. Please reconsider whether you really want this.

This x 1000

He sounds like one of the self-styled 'nice guys' who inevitably becomes a sulky, entitled, controlling, martyrish monster under cover of rejection sensitivity and chronic disappointment.

Heatherandgreentartan · 21/01/2026 22:20

Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum · 21/01/2026 00:39

He does do sweet things like cook for me, buy me thoughtful gifts, initiates plans and books dates, etc.

It's all fine, until he is disappointed and then he kind of says things in very blunt and harsh ways, where I feel like there's a lot of things that have been irking him that get released and lead to him reacting disproportionally to what actually happened/was said. If that makes sense.

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It’s the fact he complained about you not making the night special enough, and then the special cake you had ordered arrived, and then he still complained after that, is a really bad sign I think.

This man is taking his general frustration about life out on you! And he is never wrong of course. It’s not a pleasant dynamic to live with long-term.