Healthy communication when disappointed - Example

[Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum]

I planned a nice dinner to celebrate my boyfriend's university graduation. I was really excited about it, and I wanted to make the night feel special. Things started off well, but about halfway through the meal, he got quiet.

When I asked what was wrong, he said he didn't feel special. He said he wished I had asked him to reflect on the last two years of his degree and that the dinner felt like a "normal catch-up/date" (even though we hadn't seen each other in a few days). I even was like, let's go ahead, reflect and he was like no, it's not the same when it's not organic. I just felt so dismissed, I was with him, supporting him in material and emotional ways through this big life transition, from helping in his job search and his house search, helping him rehearse for big presentations.

It was so confusing and hurtful. I was literally there, at a dinner I planned for him, and he was making it about what I wasn't doing. It's a pattern he has where he just thinks he's sharing his feelings and being honest. And then, the dessert came out. I had secretly arranged with the restaurant to have a special plate with "Congratulations my darling" written on it. He saw it and was genuinely surprised and happy. He apologised for his earlier comments and said it was sweet.

For a moment, we went to being sweet again. But then, he immediately went back to "expressing his feelings".

I am really struggling because I have a tendency to overthink and I am exhausted. Is this healthy relationship communication? I mean even if he actually was disappointed, shouldn't he have just let the dinner pass and maybe like say that I feel like I would like to reflect on this journey? But his focus on "being asked" questions like this feels more important than actually sharing them.

He can be sweetest kindest human and I second guess myself. How do I deal with this? Please be gentle with your response.

Yeah this just sounds shit. Why would you want to do nice things for rude people who just moan about them? Don’t do nice things for rude people, chuck this one back.

😀😀

Awful. He sounds utterly self absorbed. Do not have children with this man, he’s the type to be jealous of his own kids because the attention isn’t on him.

Honestly this wil not get better. How often does he do something special for you? Or is it only his achievements that are allowed to be celebrated?

I’d bin this one on that meal alone. I suspect you have many examples of this sort of behaviour.

Part of healthy emotional intelligence is to be able to pause at times you feel annoyed, irritated or disappointed and, before you say anything, consider whether you’re being fair to the other person.

He seems to be missing this step entirely.

Where is the evidence of him pausing and thinking - is the other person intentionally upsetting me? Am I being fair here or is this feeling just being triggered by other things that are nothing to do with them? Is addressing it right now, in this moment, the best idea? Is this part of a pattern or just a one-off?

In your situation, reasonable people would come to the conclusion that their feelings may not be valid (newsflash: not all of our feelings are valid, many of them are wildly invalid and I don’t know why social media thinks otherwise).

So, no, this is not what healthy communication looks like.

This is just him being a spoilt entitled brat and voicing it and then using pseudo-emotionally intelligent talk to justify it.

I’d be having very serious conversations about this and being prepared to leave if he couldn’t reflect on it and change because this way lies walking on eggshells, having your self-confidence undermined and not trusting your own judgement. Don’t go that way - it will be a waste of many good years of your life!

Honestly this behaviour would give me the ick. It feels like a relationship with someone who hasn’t emotionally matured beyond toddler.

He sounds very immature and hard work. This is not a healthy dynamic.

You had gone to the effort of a nice dinner with a surprise pudding and is still wasnt enough!

Honestly there are plenty more and much better fish in the sea!

He imagined a scenario in his head, then had a strop because you weren't telepathic enough to make it happen. This is what the future of your relationship holds; him casting himself as the main character, then getting perpetually annoyed with you for not facilitating whatever movie scene he has his heart set on.

This!! This exactly. And he will definitely be the main character in ALL his imaginary movie scenes.

Its all about him. It always will be.

He sounds like a giant, navel-gazing, pain in the arse, baby.

I would suggest he spend some time reflecting on why he is such a twat of a boyfriend and send him on his way.

Oh dear OP, you didn't provide him with enough outlets for him to talk about....HIM. Insufferable wanker. Bin him off as others have said, imagine 20 years of him "expressing his feelings" and spoiling every nice thing you do for him. Never being good enough. Death by a thousand paper cuts.

Well obviously it's all your fault the evening went tits up because you did not fully prostrate yourself in front of the altar of his ego...
Seriously he is an arse.. get rid.. you will feel so much better...

God, get rid, asap. Who wants a partner who wallows in self-pity and talks in made-up therapised psycho-babble. Ick, as they say.

Cut him loose. You only get one life. Find someone fun.

He’s a total navel gazer , it’d drive me mad - and you would always feel you had to pander to his ego and needs.

What a selfish, hurtful, manbaby you’ve landed yourself with. Start planning your exit strategy. Now. You can’t afford to wait for this clown to grow up. Perhaps he never will …

Part of healthy emotional intelligence is to be able to pause at times you feel annoyed, irritated or disappointed and, before you say anything, consider whether you’re being fair to the other person.

I don't even really think its this.
Whatever the Op had done would be wrong because he is a professional victim and has to place Op in the wrong at all times.
In other words he will find fault deliberately

He sounds exhausting. Run!

What the actual fuck did I just read? Please dump this idiot immediately. This is insane.

This sounds exactly, EXACTLY, like the kind of situation I could give a thousand examples of in my own relationship. Trust me - don't stay. I am looking back over the last almost decade just wondering why I am still here. The more you are manipulated, the harder it will become.

I totally agree, this is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse and it will get very exhausting very quickly and fill you with resentment.

@Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum It is emotional abuse because it requires you to change and conform to keep him happy, and unfortunately he will continue to push the boundaries as long as you keep responding and adapting until one day you will look in the mirror and not recognize yourself, and there will be kids which make things more complicated and even worse you're financially dependent on him

Irrespective of if you stay with him or not, my advise never make yourself financial dependent on a man.

It’s normal for milestones and achievements to feel anticlimactic!

Particularly if you have never outgrown childish expectations of being made to feel ‘special’ and celebrated and the centre of the universe.

It’s ridiculous for him to pin this on you, OP. I second others and advise you to get out while you still can.

Nothing you ever do will fill the void within him, and he’ll always make it your fault, because he’s fundamentally passive and expects rescuing / parenting / caretaking like a tiny baby. He has no idea how to take accountability for his behaviour or impact, or manage his own emotions. He just vomits it all out at you and expects you to clean it up and sort him out.

The more you humour this, or deflect to neutral conversations about ‘healthy communication’, the more he’ll bed down into the idea that you’ve let him down and don’t love him enough and need to try harder.

It’s just not worth it. You sound perfectly lovely and he sounds like a petulant man baby.

Also, the fact that he can say something like this without embarrassment is a major red flag in and of itself!

Can you imagine? Your partner has taken you out to a lovely dinner & is helping you look for jobs and find a house and practice for interviews and presentations, and you sit there whining that she hasn’t made you feel special enough by - what? interviewing you about your reflections like it was Desert Island Discs?

Can you imagine behaving this way without instantly dying of shame?

Anyone who can do this sort of thing is not capable of a proper reciprocal two-way adult relationship.

Sounds like a very uneven relationship, where he says: jump! And you say “how high?”

You cannot “win”, he sounds awful and not sweet at all

He sounds utterly ridiculous. Getting huffy because you aren't saying the exact words he planned for you to say in his head? Life isn't a movie, the twat.

I’m getting carried away here, OP, because I imagine you’re young and I want to give you the advice I wish someone had given me in my early 20s - which is that the ‘sweet’ guys who are all vulnerable and in touch with their emotions an want to express their feelings honestly and authentically almost always turn out to be nasty, sulky and utterly self-centred (and often have very weird ideas about women, concealed behind progressive views).

Meanwhile, the boringly emotionally straightforward blokes who crack on with their own lives without needing constant support & reassurance & validation & cheerleading tend to be much more stable, consistent, fair, equality-minded and functionally kind. And that’s what you want in the long term.

What an ungrateful twat. I'd have probably told him he's not that fucking special, thousands of people graduate every year before walking out and leaving him to pay the bill.

Edited to add that no this is not normal relationship communication. Whilst it might be a good thing to sometimes express disappointment when the other person has let you down, the situation you describe is not the same. You had made a lovely gesture of taking him out for dinner.