Healthy communication when disappointed - Example

[Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum]

I planned a nice dinner to celebrate my boyfriend's university graduation. I was really excited about it, and I wanted to make the night feel special. Things started off well, but about halfway through the meal, he got quiet.

When I asked what was wrong, he said he didn't feel special. He said he wished I had asked him to reflect on the last two years of his degree and that the dinner felt like a "normal catch-up/date" (even though we hadn't seen each other in a few days). I even was like, let's go ahead, reflect and he was like no, it's not the same when it's not organic. I just felt so dismissed, I was with him, supporting him in material and emotional ways through this big life transition, from helping in his job search and his house search, helping him rehearse for big presentations.

It was so confusing and hurtful. I was literally there, at a dinner I planned for him, and he was making it about what I wasn't doing. It's a pattern he has where he just thinks he's sharing his feelings and being honest. And then, the dessert came out. I had secretly arranged with the restaurant to have a special plate with "Congratulations my darling" written on it. He saw it and was genuinely surprised and happy. He apologised for his earlier comments and said it was sweet.

For a moment, we went to being sweet again. But then, he immediately went back to "expressing his feelings".

I am really struggling because I have a tendency to overthink and I am exhausted. Is this healthy relationship communication? I mean even if he actually was disappointed, shouldn't he have just let the dinner pass and maybe like say that I feel like I would like to reflect on this journey? But his focus on "being asked" questions like this feels more important than actually sharing them.

He can be sweetest kindest human and I second guess myself. How do I deal with this? Please be gentle with your response.

The country has raised a generation of wet lettuces

No it isn’t healthy communication. And just because he is sometimes sweet and kind doesn’t mean he’s not a wrong’un.

Ask him to "reflect on the last two years?" It's a celebratory dinner not the Graham Norton show. What a wanker.

@Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum please, please listen to us saying this is not a man who will cherish, appreciate and respect you. Life is too damn short to be trodden down by such self-absorbed unpleasantness. Please split up.

The thing is, if someone tries to make you anxious about something you didn’t do, and succeeds, they’re on to a winner because there’s a literally infinite amount of things you didn’t do! You didn’t wear heels, or make a special toast, or arrange for balloons at the table, or order champagne…you get the point. There’ll always be something to complain about. Brilliant for him. Not for you.

I'll be kind.

Dump his ungrateful sorry twatting arse.

Ok, not as kind as could be. Delete twatting if you wish.

Had he prepared a graduation speech you were supposed to prompt? What an utter prat ...if he wanted to say something he could have...he sounds utterly pompous and bad company

My Mother in Law does this sort of thing. She creates perfect scenarios in her head and then expresses disappointment that they didn't play out in exactly that way. She once told me I didn't wear the right dress to an event as it was not the one she imagined I would wear.

I have been almost no contact with her for years as she is completely awful to be around as nothing is ever good enough. Suggest you do similar.

Perhaps he just wanted her to show a bit of curiosity about him and his experience. If the OP was genuinely wanting him to have an evening celebrating his time at university I think it would only be appropriate for her to make some of the conversation about it. And for it to come from her.

I'm shocked that people are making him out to be a twat. Perhaps he shouldn't have laboured the point but
we don't know the back story here. Maybe OP is the kind of person who doesn't show curiosity or asks questions. And he's had enough.

Sorry OP don't know what your background is. But do you normally show curiosity in your conversations?

What an absolute twat
Unless he single handedly found a cure for cancer then I think he sounds like a pompous arrogant muppet.
You deserve better
Tell him you’ve reflected on the relationship and realised how much time you’ve wasted on his needy twaddle

🙄

OMG @Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum You are not losing the plot. He's a self indulgent idiot who was totally ungrateful. Let this be your wake up call.

Dump him now: You will never be "good enough", he is a complete and utter waster. His degree will never be good enough to get him a career. Nothing will ever be good enough and never has been.

He will always grind his partner down, no matter who they are. Just make sure it's not you. You are a great person, thoughtful, kind and considerate. You deserve so much better than him. You are so much better than him.

This isn’t a way for a caring man to treat the woman he loves. It’s manipulation at best. Gaslighting at worse.
Walk away.
You are not responsible for his feelings or reactions- unless maybe you are deliberately trying to rile him up or make him angry. Even then he is responsible for his reactions.
It’s better to be single that you be with someone who isn’t truly appreciative of the kind and thoughtful arrangements you have made.
Walk away. There will be someone better for you out there.

A normal healthy response would be to thank you for arranging a special dinner. This really isn't normal or reasonable- it's emotional manipulation. It doesn't matter the reason behind it- if he's not able to emotionally regulate sufficiently so he's transferring his feelings onto you, that's damaging to you. He's really not just the sweetest kindest human- he's the sum of his parts, and part of him is emotionally abusive and likely to chuck an emotional grenade into your world any time he's disregulated. Listen to your gut, it's ok to prioritise how you feel, and do what feels right for you, not out of fear for him, or how he might feel, or what he might do... You won't reason with someone who doen't have the capacity for emotional regulation... 'I'm sorry that you didn't feel my efforts were sufficient to recognise your graduation, I've reflected on it and other situations and I just don't think we're going to be able to meet each others needs in this relationship, so it's best we call it a day...'

Yeah, that’s what manipulative people do, la very good example of actual gaslighting (as I know how much this term is bandied around).

My teens would say this guy has high-key Main Character Energy! He clearly sees you as a supporting actor, and is cheesed off because you didn't give him his cue for his big speech which he'd been rehearsing in his head.

As I said above, walk offstage and look up "covert narcissist".

I mean, given that she’s helping him apply for jobs, find housing, and rehearse all his job interview presentations, I think we can assume she’s showing ample interest in and curiosity about his experience. For fuck’s sake.

I wonder how he supports and celebrates the OP, and whether he’s remotely curious about her experience…

It’s the opposite of healthy communication.

A person who communicates in a normal, healthy way would just start a conversation, not sulk because you didn’t mind read the perfect conversational opener.

It’s not supposed to be this hard @Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum Good, healthy relationships are just straightforward. Not confusing. Not bewildering.

He wanted questions like, how does it feel to have graduated/do you regret retraining to a new career/etc.

To answer your question, I do. I have a running list in my notes on my phone of all things he loves, said he wants to do or buy, random things or memories that stuck out when we talk. Like my problem is maybe I don't ask the type of questions he seems to be looking for but like I engage and expand, I don't shut things down and keep it superficial (whatever that means at this stage)

My thinking is like, just talk about them, and I will listen and ask and the conversation will follow. I don't get it. He just wanted me to initiate to prove i care? Maybe I should stop overanalysing and take things at face value, as what the hell.

Honestly OP a good relationship should not leave you second guessing how you talk to someone! Life is too short. Get out and move on!

I think this sounds like it's all quite hard work and unsustainable. DH isn't as deep a thinker as me. We've been married over 20 years. I can occasionally get a bit miffed that he takes things at face value but I've learned to have those deep conversations with similarly deep friends. If DH had to keep lists of things to talk about, think about, etc., it would be exhausting.

Your DP is going to have to accept that you just don't think the same way as him, or you'll find you're incompatible. You can't prop up your relationship by keeping lists of things to remember.

That’s his aim. He’s making you unsure of your own sanity so you’ll be dependent on him. Get the hell away from him!

Take it from one who has been there. Nothing you do will ever be enough. And it isn't you, it's him.

This guy sounds like a self absorbed, manipulative, demanding narcissist. Does every time he “shar[e] his feelings and [is] honest” somehow always involves putting you down, highlighting your failures and letting you know how disappointed he is by whatever you have or haven’t done lately? He is really messing with your mind and making you question yourself. This is absolutely not okay. You went to a lot of effort for the dinner. Did he even thank you for all the support that you gave him during his studies???