How do I deal with mental health issues in a new relationship?

[Swimful]

I got divorced a few years ago and have had a few short relationships since. I started dating someone new a couple of months ago.
I have struggled to find people I really get along with amongst all the weirdos on dating apps. But we got on well immediately. I took things slowly to try to not get too involved too quickly having been burnt before.
he was very honest with me from the start that he’d had a bad accident several years ago and suffers from chronic pain which gets worse in the winter. Making him quite reclusive and non communicative. So far I’ve seen the happy, chatty version of him up until this week. Where he’s told me he’s struggling and didn’t want to see me. I’ve accepted how he feels and having struggled with chronic pain myself in the past I understand. However, mentally I’ve found it so hard this weekend not to feel rejected. I know he’s seen friends over the weekend so feel like saying, well why not me.
i think I know the answer to this, that this is all about me and how I’m responding and nothing to do with him. I’ve not had an easy time over the last couple of years.
I’m just not sure how I go about dealing with this without saying that this is affecting my own mental health now, so do I just walk away?
maybe I’m not strong enough to deal with this situation when it happens.
and it will continue to happen.
or maybe it’s just the reality is that this is a new relationship and I don’t feel secure yet.
move felt pretty rubbish all weekend and not sure how much I want to continue to feel like this.

Be aware that people can have mental illnesses and still be douche bags!
Sorry but if he’s seeing friends but doesn’t want to see you, then that’s him playing games. I wouldn’t put up with that personally.

You don’t deal with it.

You walk away

I was with you til the "he saw his friends" part.
Couldn't see you, blames husband chronic pain but saw his mates? Nah, in the bin

I'd want a new relationship to bring some joy to my life, that sounds like hard work to me. I'd walk away.

How long have you been seeing each other? I disagree with the above. I know people overuse 'imagine the sexes were reversed' on here but really, imagine a man being annoyed that a woman he'd just started seeing wanted to be around close friends but not him when she was struggling. Not saying OP is annoyed but some of the replies sound it!

He probably wants to put his best face forward to you OP. These friends may have known him for years, supported him after the accident, seen him at his lowest ebb. Whether or not you choose to get involved with someone with these issues is up to you. But I don't think seeing his friends is a red flag.

Obviously ignore the above if he's out clubbing and mountain climbing with them all weekend, that's different!

A couple of months

If his actions are making you emotionally fragile after just a couple of months then you walk away @Swimful

There is no-one worth compromising your mental health for.

Is he really worth the pain and effort?

Just to put this in to context he lives in a small village with a group of close knit friends who are aware of the issue and tend to rally round him. So when I say he’s seen friends. I don’t mean he’s been out partying.

Focus on your own mental health

Gah, how did I miss that? Thanks!

I would walk away.
He says it gets worse in the winter, but it's been winter all the time you've been dating?

This is where I am now thinking is he worth it. I think because it’s been so hard to meet someone who I get on with, who’s respectful and not like what seems to be 90% of guys on dating sites, I want to give it a chance.
but feeling this bad is not a great place to be in. Thank you for responding

If you are feeling “this bad” over a very short term relationship that has already been up and down… I think you need to focus squarely on your own fragile mental health

Thanks for clarifying the seeing friends bit before the whole thread becomes about that :)

You've recognised your own issues are playing a part here- insecure attachment? Because of course the answer to that isn't 'find someone who never wants to be away from me so I don't have to feel insecure'; it's therapy.

On the other hand (and this is what most replies will focus on) think carefully about whether this relationship will add to your life overall. You might decide youre OK with supporting someone with these issues if they are kind and giving to you. But make sure they are, because you are deserving of that.

Thank you, exactly this.
his friends are a support network for him. He lives in a small village with a community who all know him and are aware of what happened. They are a great bunch, and want to look after him.
I guess if it was reversed ( and I have been in that situation in the past) would I want him to see me like that? Or have the pressure of having to trying be happy / smiley when you’re in agony?

I would get out. He has told you he has mental health issues associated with the chronic pain He has been upfront. Yes it hurts he has seen mates, but the issue is bigger than this. Do you want to be in a relationship where you know in advance there are definitely going to be issues? Your mental well-being will be impacted. Been there with a wonderful man for 2 yesrs- the issue is i did not know. I won't do that again.

I met someone online 11 years ago who had some issues linked to his past. In every other way he was lovely, kind, generous, we liked the same things, considerate, always followed through with what he said. But he had trust issues which often caused issues.

I stuck with him though and the more time we spent together things settled down and improved. We're really happy and I'm so glad I stayed around.

I totally understand what you say about the struggles of meeting someone you immediately connect with, there are some real weirdos out there so when you meet someone who ticks all the boxes it's difficult to give up.

Anyone in their 40/50's is going to have a history of some sort.

You are your number one priority @Swimful especially taking into consideration your difficult past.

If you are struggling this early in, then he is definitely not for you.

It was nice while it lasted but going forward, he is unlikely to give you what you need.

Move on lovely, protect yourself. 🌸

I would leave it, it’s still early days and he is showing you where you come on his list of priorities and effort, you matter too op, and this early on a bit of a tone has been set that your interactions will revolve around whether he is up for seeing you or not

I do also agree with @SoIMO

"The ironic thing is that you are asking if you should be prepared to deal with his lack of mental resilience, when in fact, one could equally question if he should be concerned about yours"

That would certainly be worth reflecting upon and giving some consideration to @Swimful

Are you really strong enough for a relationship at the moment? 💐

Thank you and yes everyone really I’ve dated has had some baggage. That’s just how it is. Including myself.

Yes I agree completely. I dated someone last year for 6 months who completely love bombed me and then went cold. It was a hard lesson and after 20 years of marriage I just didn’t know what was normal anymore.
with this relationship I really tried to keep him at arms length initially and as everyone keeps saying to me ‘just enjoy yourself’
but I do fall even when I try not to.

OP would it be worthwhile to use this as an opportunity to work on the feelings this causes in you?

Given how well you get along - if he has respectfully communicated that he needs some space due to his health issues (as opposed to just going cold/distant) then to me it’d be worthwhile sticking around for. Has he communicated this respectfully? To me there’s a big difference between someone saying ‘I can tell my health issues are getting worse so I need some space for a little while’ vs cold/distant/one word answers. Why do you think you feel so rejected?

I had surgery some years ago and a guy I was seeing was suffocating me with wanting to look after me/be there for me, and I was like ‘f off’. He made it all about him and his need to look after me. Wanted to collect me from hospital etc. I felt way too vulnerable at the time, didn’t know him that well. I wanted my closest friends and family at the time. I looked awful, felt awful.. I was constipated. I just felt I needed familiarity and being able to be e myself.

Just wondered if it might be worth sticking around for a little while and see how things develop once he is feeling better.

Also, chronic pain is not a mental health issue is it?

I just don't think you are in the right place emotionally for this. It's hard to say whether he is justified in doing this. Given a short time you've been together, perhaps.
On the other hand, I've been in a long(er) term relationship with someone years ago who had some MH issues and distanced himself a lot. He would disappear for days, cancel dates, sometimes we wouldn't see each other for months because there would be some "crisis" he had to solve. Alone. By the end of this relationship I was an emotional wreck because, even if you are the most secure and level-headed person in the world, it grinds you down. For my own sanity I had to end it. And I don't regret it. He was lovely when he was present but he wasn't present most of the time.

I am now with someone who, due to various circumstances, has very little time. But even if we can't see each other for a couple of weeks, he calls every day, he makes sure I feel valued. It's a completely different experience! There is a big difference between someone saying "I don't want to see you right now" and disappear and someone saying "I can't see you right now" and then make sure you are still feeling connected.

So yes, it's tricky. And I don't have the answer. I just think that, given my personal experience, I'd leave now rather than later.