How do I deal with mental health issues in a new relationship?

[Swimful]

I got divorced a few years ago and have had a few short relationships since. I started dating someone new a couple of months ago.
I have struggled to find people I really get along with amongst all the weirdos on dating apps. But we got on well immediately. I took things slowly to try to not get too involved too quickly having been burnt before.
he was very honest with me from the start that he’d had a bad accident several years ago and suffers from chronic pain which gets worse in the winter. Making him quite reclusive and non communicative. So far I’ve seen the happy, chatty version of him up until this week. Where he’s told me he’s struggling and didn’t want to see me. I’ve accepted how he feels and having struggled with chronic pain myself in the past I understand. However, mentally I’ve found it so hard this weekend not to feel rejected. I know he’s seen friends over the weekend so feel like saying, well why not me.
i think I know the answer to this, that this is all about me and how I’m responding and nothing to do with him. I’ve not had an easy time over the last couple of years.
I’m just not sure how I go about dealing with this without saying that this is affecting my own mental health now, so do I just walk away?
maybe I’m not strong enough to deal with this situation when it happens.
and it will continue to happen.
or maybe it’s just the reality is that this is a new relationship and I don’t feel secure yet.
move felt pretty rubbish all weekend and not sure how much I want to continue to feel like this.

Thank you everyone who has responded. You’ve given me some genuinely good advice and reassurance.
I do feel better (generally) for seeing it from the outside looking in.
he is allowed to set his boundaries of course.
and as someone relatively new in his life, I have to accept that at this point, I am not part of his support network.
I do want to continue to see him. Having found someone genuine, kind and all the things I am looking for in someone, I don’t think I want to walk away at the first sign of difficulty.
I have acknowledged that I have some work to do on myself and I think that in itself is a step in the right direction.
at the age of 52 I’m never going to be entering a relationship with a clean slate, fresh out of the box am I.

Do you have any kids @Swimful ?

Yes my two eldest are away at uni. Just my daughter at home with me.

And you have what sounds like a very fragile mental health

and despite having children, you are going to risk that deteriorating and bring someone else potentially into the lives with mental health issues.

ok

See, this suggests that for your own sake, you should walk now before you get any further involved, because you are clearly vulnerable, bruised from the apps, and appear to think that your strong reaction to his retreat means you should tamp down on your feelings and soldier on until/if he decides he wants to see you again. It’s unfortunate he’s had a horrible accident and is dealing with ongoing pain, but, bluntly, he shouldn’t be dating if he’s not well enough. No one reasonable would think it a normal or expected thing for someone they’ve only been seeing for a matter of weeks to deal with. If you’d started dating in the summer, then you’d have had a chance to decide whether or not you liked him enough to want to deal with his limitations. If he knows he’s always bad in the winter, then November was a poor choice to start dating someone.

100% this - OP stop trying to be a rehabilitation centre for damaged men to the detriment of your own mental health and concentrate on your DC.

It’s pretty clear to most on this thread you’re too vulnerable to date right now so please don’t put yourself through this

I do want to continue to see him. Having found someone genuine, kind and all the things I am looking for in someone, I don’t think I want to walk away at the first sign of difficulty.
We can all be kind etc when things are going swimmingly. The true measure of a person is what they are like in the bad times.

I have to accept that at this point, I am not part of his support network.
It's a clever trick. He's made you feel bad because you are not dancing to his tune. He should feel bad because he is putting himself first and not caring about you.

I have to accept that at this point, I am not part of his support network.

a couple of month you have been together. A couple of months!!!

This is quite ridiculous

He is absolutely allowed to set his boundaries. But you are also allowed your feelings. Be careful so that you don't get into a habit of minimising how you feel and adapting it for the sake of a relationship which doesn't meet your needs.
It's not always about who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes it's about whether what one person can give is quite enough for the other.

Exactly. He’s just a guy you started seeing recently. The fact that he has pain issues and associated MH problems doesn’t make him more important than you in the relationship, or his needs more important than yours. It doesn’t really make a difference whether he doesn’t want to see you because he’s depressed, or because he’s too busy, or is simultaneously dating someone else. The key thing is that he’s not meeting your needs. That’s all you need to ask yourself. Is this relationship meeting my needs?

Bin him

seriously, he’s seeing mates and pushing you away.

you’re worth more.

I do want to continue to see him. Having found someone genuine, kind and all the things I am looking for in someone, I don’t think I want to walk away at the first sign of difficulty.

difficulty? You’re a fool! This is a red flag and you know it. THAT IS WHY YOU WALK

genuine? But he’s NOT! He’s showing you who he is, and that you’re not a priority.

you are vulnerable, have kids and he’s substandard.

honestly, you need to end this now. It’s only a few weeks in, you have ‘invested’ NOTHING

Yeah. He's got OP doing the pick-me-dance over who gets the 'privilege' of being his nursemaid.
Give your head a wobble, OP.

Or, he knows his own limitations and has a support network in place, and doesn’t want to inflict himself on the OP when he knows he will be a misery guts.

If he had chosen to see the OP in that state you’d be saying ‘he’s expecting you to be his mental health nurse and you’re only 2 months into the relationship. Give your head a wobble.’

The poor bloke can’t win.

The poor bloke can’t win.
He could try not being a misery guts! He could say to OP, "I know that I have a tendency to get reclusive and non communicative so give me a slap around the gills with a wet fish when you see me going in that direction."

I think he’s communicating well and is allowed to see his friends and not you. I’m quick to write douchebag men off but I don’t think this is warranted and I’d say you should focus more on your reaction to the situation and explore therapy. However, if you decide it’s affecting your mental health and you want to call time on it, that’s up to you to decide as it’s not worth that. But these issues will appear in relationships down the line if you don’t address the root cause. (I’m speaking from my own personal experience and am currently undergoing therapy for similar issues).

Walk away. Not your circus, not your clown.

Proves my point.

If a woman with chronic pain, who knows how to manage it and what to do when things get bad, said that to man you’d be saying, what an unsympathetic, controlling man he was, LTB 🤷‍♀️

I think you're perfectly right to take this personally. Too unwell or whatever to see you but fine with friends?

It's OK for him to want to see no one. It's OK for him to want to see friends without you, but hes not being honest about the reasons.

Maybe you've spent too much time together and he needs a break or an opportunity to catch up with friends who've been neglected. That can happen at the start of a realtionship and its perfectly reasonable to want to carve out some time for yourself. Its not OK to make up MH reasons.

Your OP and follow up posts very much indicates that you also are very much in need of support for your mental health frailties.

You have mental health issues plus children. Not the ingredients for embarking on this kind of drama laden nonsense barely 8 weeks since meeting him.

“Yes he did say to me that when his pain was bad he could become cold / distant and that it was better he didn’t see me when he’s like that.”

Sorry OP, I don’t know how to quote both my own post and your reply.. I’m the poster who suggested would it be worthwhile you exploring why you’re feeling so rejected. Having read your update where you say he becomes cold and distant, I’m now not sure if he’s worth holding on to. I completely understand someone’s need for space. But to ask for space by being cold and distant, and even announcing in advance that that’s what he will be like once in pain, is not how I’d want my partner to communicate with me in a respectful loving relationship. Maybe the old saying ‘when someone tells you who they are, believe them’ applies here.

Thanks @Redruby2020 I had misunderstood

the op has known this chap all of 8 weeks