How do I deal with mental health issues in a new relationship?

[Swimful]

I got divorced a few years ago and have had a few short relationships since. I started dating someone new a couple of months ago.
I have struggled to find people I really get along with amongst all the weirdos on dating apps. But we got on well immediately. I took things slowly to try to not get too involved too quickly having been burnt before.
he was very honest with me from the start that he’d had a bad accident several years ago and suffers from chronic pain which gets worse in the winter. Making him quite reclusive and non communicative. So far I’ve seen the happy, chatty version of him up until this week. Where he’s told me he’s struggling and didn’t want to see me. I’ve accepted how he feels and having struggled with chronic pain myself in the past I understand. However, mentally I’ve found it so hard this weekend not to feel rejected. I know he’s seen friends over the weekend so feel like saying, well why not me.
i think I know the answer to this, that this is all about me and how I’m responding and nothing to do with him. I’ve not had an easy time over the last couple of years.
I’m just not sure how I go about dealing with this without saying that this is affecting my own mental health now, so do I just walk away?
maybe I’m not strong enough to deal with this situation when it happens.
and it will continue to happen.
or maybe it’s just the reality is that this is a new relationship and I don’t feel secure yet.
move felt pretty rubbish all weekend and not sure how much I want to continue to feel like this.

Thank you @DancinOnTheCeiling this is kind of where I’m at I guess. Yes he did say to me that when his pain was bad he could become cold / distant and that it was better he didn’t see me when he’s like that. So I am trying to see that as his way of protecting me. Like you I’ve had major surgery in the past, had both hips replaced . So I know how chronic pain feels and I know how it can affect your mental health.
the reason I feel so rejected is because I was married for 20 years to someone manipulative who used emotional blackmail and would cut me off if things didn’t go his way.
I absolutely know this is all about me and my reaction, what is going on in my head as apposed to anything he’s done.
I suppose it’s not a case of questioning his behaviour, but my reaction and I do know I need to work on this. I am and have been trying to understand my reaction to this and whether continuing with this is just too much for me at the moment. But I’m not sure how I move forward.
I have my own life, friends, hobbies.. I don’t throw it all to one side when I meet a man.
but if you want any relationship to progress there comes a point where you decide if you can take on the inevitable issues there are going to be at this age.

Is his pain likely to get worse as he gets older?

Presumably he is on his best behaviour at the moment in the relationship- both in terms of making an effort when he sees you and in managing the pain don’t doesn’t impact on you much.

Mental health issues can make people incredibly selfish. I get what you are saying about rarely meeting people you like but would you be happier with him (& the way he is but probably with less consideration of you as the relationship progresses) or by yourself? For me it would be a firm by myself but I have people in my life who need caring for. The last thing I need in my life right now is another person who need care. You may be in a different place.

Very much this. When you are picking a new life partner you are allowed to be somewhat selfish and do a thorough cost benefit analysis as to what they bring to the table.

You say you've not had an easy time yourself the last couple of years. Going into a new relationship is something that should be great from the outset, you don't want to find yourself burdened with someone else's problems.

Don't become his therapist,

I think it’s the title that misleads a little, as the mental health part is about OP. Not the guy who has chronic pain.

I would say that if you are looking for someone to settle down and have kids with then this is probably not a good relationship. With kids the last thing you need is someone who randomly goes cold and distant on and off all winter. I'd bin it off now.

If this is a relationship that you can live separately indefinitely, concentrate on your own life when he has a dip and enjoy each others company at other times and that works for you then I'd give it some more time.

Who the hell does he think he is.. I get to shut you out when I’m not feeling well and you aren’t allowed to react? You’re not a robot and this would make anyone feel like crap, I’d be done op.

I’m in a similar situation myself at the moment.

There’s definitely a connection but a few issues, probably on both sides to be fair.

Thing is I don’t connect with a lot of people and am reluctant to walk away however agree with posters on here that in a new relationship there shouldn’t be as much soul searching this early on.

I think maybe I just don’t do ‘casual and fun’ unfortunately.

What age are you both OP?

You’re focusing too much on his feelings and motivations — focus on yourself. What do you want and need here? You barely know this man. You do not need to be taking responsibility for his mental or physical health at this point, and from the extent to which this seems to be affecting you, I’d suggest he’s not a good person for you to be in a relationship with.

If he’s feeling vulnerable he’s going to feel more comfortable around old friends than a new partner. I don’t see the problem here - he’s been entirely upfront.

You need to work on why you’re feeling this way in response. Is it partly because you’re wary of letting yourself get close to anyone eg you’re hyper aware of how their moods can affect yours? I think that’s totally understandable.

Ultimately everyone has their more tricky sides and if you find yourself unwilling to have to manage/deal with another person’s moods that is totally valid. Is that what your strong response is telling you?

Yeah I struggle with the casual dating thing. I’m either in or out. I’m 52 and he’s 49

Then, bluntly, you should be out of this one. It’s not having a good effect on you.

If it was that simple a lot of folk would have to stay single 🤣

He thinks hes someone with chronic pain issues who explained how they affect them from the outset, and how he copes with them. Hes allowed to set his own boundaries ob hoe he copes, its up to OP if these are things she can accept. But hes not some evil monster for coping in his own way.

Another thread where the man is immediately cast as an abusive, controlling monster because the OP feels hurt. 🙄

As other PPs have said, I think the OP is having an extreme reaction to a situation, which she is perfectly entitled to feel, but it doesn’t mean he is in the wrong.

I’m certainly not suggesting that. I just think that a relationship with someone with chronic pain and significant associated MH issues isn’t working for the OP, and that she should walk away before getting any further involved.

I’m just not sure how I go about dealing with this without saying that this is affecting my own mental health now, so do I just walk away?

I'm sorry but feeling sad or rejected or disappointed or whatever on one single occasion is a normal emotional response that you should be capable of dealing with.

Saying "it's affecting your mental health" because you experienced an uncomfortable emotion on one occasion is absolutely ludicrous (and quite offensive).

Would you say that something was "affecting your physical health" because you had the completely normal response of feeling tired and achy after a long walk?

If you truly cannot cope with someone cancelling plans once for a valid reason, then perhaps explore therapy to unpick that and learn coping skills rather than accusing people of making you mentally unwell because you feel disappointed.

OP - are you really in the right headspace for dating right now? Having a partner isn’t compulsory and if having one is giving you this much angst then I would suggest taking time out to be singje and work out exactly what you want from life.

Without taking time to be on your own and work on yourself, you will keep repeating the same negative dating patterns.

suffers from chronic pain which gets worse in the winter. Making him quite reclusive and non communicative.
Is he saying that this is going to happen every. single. winter.
You don't need that in your life.

Thanks for such an empathetic response. I am aware I have deeper issues causing this reaction. I’ve already said that. And I haven’t ‘accused’ him of anything.

What an arsey response.

And it's poor comprehension. She's not accusing anyone.

You’re better off staying single

I think you need to walk away. It shouldn't be this difficult this early on. You dont want 20 or more years of a distant partner every winter.

I mean... we should all be capable of handling normal emotions which come from, say, finding out about partner's infidelity. But, unfortunately, in my case it resulted in experiencing PTSD symptoms including panic attacks, flashbacks, depersonalisation and dissociation episodes. I was very lucky to have had enough experience working in a MH setting to recognise these early and even luckier to end up working with a therapist who didn't just tell me to suck it up.
What's normal for you may not be normal for someone else and I don't feel it's up to you to police someone else's emotions when you have no idea of their background, previous experiences, and health history.