Seeing DH in new light - not good

[manyriverstocross1]

I’ve been married 30 years, 4Dc. DH has always been a great dad, and as a husband is often kind, very funny and supportive. But recently I’ve come to the realisation that he barely tolerates me. He’ll pick up on things I’ve done wrong (leaving a mess, being clumsy) but seems to fail to take into consideration everything I do (majority of cooking, washing etc). It honestly feels like I’ve had an epiphany. I don’t want to live like this. I’d rather be on my own. From the outside we have it all - amazing house, lovely DC, good careers - but I fear I’m starting to feel resentful of him. I could keep going as we are and grey rock, but that’s no basis for a relationship. I’m also aware that after three decades we’re long past the romantic stage. Anyone been through similar and what did you do?

Life is far too short to live like this.

Yes long marriages may not be all romance and jumping in to bed every 5 minutes but there should be a basis of solid friendship, respect and generally liking each other underneath that which is what keeps you together and it seems unfortunately you don’t have that.

Seems rather hasty after three decades

counselling?

Have you told him how you’re feeling?

why do you go straight to thinking of grey rock rather than sit down and actually speak to him?

What age are you?
we went through a tricky few years, but are closer than ever now.

we have spoken - it’s exhausting. He doesn’t see my POV. We’ve had counselling in the past, and to some extent it was a bit of an eye opener for him in terms of other people being entitled to have certain feelings

Sounds like you’ve reached the golden age where you can’t be arsed to put up with men’s shite. Speak to him about it.
Living man free is amazing, highly recommend it, resentment is very draining.

So clearly it hasn’t been great in the past.

This doesn’t sound like an epiphany but the end of the road

Is he autistic? If he is is he'll very likely get worse and retirement can be a total trigger as his normal world structures disappear. Factor that in to your decision about your future. Good luck!

If you have already had counselling for the same thing then it sounds like you’ve known this for a long time. If the counselling didn’t really help then you either put up with it or leave. I don’t see what else you can do.

Never thought about him being autistic, although it’s a possibility. To call time on the relationship would be to devastate many lives. And as much as I don’t have the energy for him, I definitely do t have the energy for that. I feel trapped tbh

From the other side, is there any truth to his comments?

My DH does the weekly shop and most laundry and the school run.

That's what he'd tell you, and it's true as far as it goes.

He also makes a constant mess, dropping stuff wherever, never cleans, and when he does, doesn't do it properly. For example, he will "clean the kitchen" but leave crumbs and coffee stains on the counters, or "clean the bathroom" but not the loo, etc.

I mean this gently but could be he right?

Bc OP, obviously I am projecting from my experience, but he basically makes more work than he does. And it's exhausting walking in after 12 h at work and seeing his coat on the hall floor and a trail of muddy footprints into the kitchen and knowing i can either leave it or start scrubbing, cos he won't fix it.

I totally get your point, but no. If it wasn’t for me there’d be no ocean laundry, no dusting, no organising, I literally do it all. He chooses to focus on what I’ve not done, or done incorrectly

Okay fair enough!

Be tired of being the last one who matters here. You write about devastating other people's lives; what about your own here?. And devastating may well be the wrong word to use entirely.

I would think all your children (presumably now adults or near adulthood themselves) are aware about the parlous state of your marriage and wonder why you are still with him. Do not stay for their supposed sake because they will not say thanks mum to you for doing so. You yourself write, "I could keep going as we are and grey rock, but that’s no basis for a relationship". And you are right in that it is not. The term grey rock as well often applies to those who are actually in a relationship with a narcissist and narcissists have no empathy at all.

If you do want to be on your own going forward do so; he is not the boss of you and you do not need anyone else's permission to leave.

Get a cleaner! Get them to do the cleaning and laundry, they’ll do it better anyway. Lose the load, lose the resentment

yanbu, but you’re overloaded

How old are DC? I am wondering how true it is that your split would actually “devastate” people’s lives.

Oh and feel free to give him a cloth/broom/iron and tell him to do it himself if it needs doing

drop the rope

You know that most people can't afford a cleaner?

When he complains simply tell him where the mop/hoover/duster lives and he can do it if he doesn’t like the standard of your cleaning and repeat. Or well done for spotting that, I’m sure in 5 mins you’ll have that job done. Minimal explanation but maximum expectation that any job he spots he does.
Does work
Or if the household budget allows get a cleaner or both.

Stop doing it all.
Every time he critiques your efforts, it becomes his task forever more.

What would happen if you showed him your post?

If he is as you say "often kind, very funny and supportive" this will surely be a wake up call to him. If he changes that would be wonderful, if he doesn't then you have your answer.

Sometimes you have to stop dreading what might happen in order to change what is happening.

Why don't you seek counselling joust for you? That might help you to decide what the next step is for you. It's not healthy for you to live this way and he doesn't deserve to have you in his life, considering his attitude towards you

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