Seeing DH in new light - not good

[manyriverstocross1]

I’ve been married 30 years, 4Dc. DH has always been a great dad, and as a husband is often kind, very funny and supportive. But recently I’ve come to the realisation that he barely tolerates me. He’ll pick up on things I’ve done wrong (leaving a mess, being clumsy) but seems to fail to take into consideration everything I do (majority of cooking, washing etc). It honestly feels like I’ve had an epiphany. I don’t want to live like this. I’d rather be on my own. From the outside we have it all - amazing house, lovely DC, good careers - but I fear I’m starting to feel resentful of him. I could keep going as we are and grey rock, but that’s no basis for a relationship. I’m also aware that after three decades we’re long past the romantic stage. Anyone been through similar and what did you do?

Couldn’t agree more!

My DH just moved out in December gone after 30 years of marriage and it was all very amicable and we still speak and stuff but I know I have made the right choice, I had just had enough!
Theres just no changing some men!.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. we have a DD at uni so was hard but she’s at the age now where she understood, we still lived together until he found a house snd that was all sorted.
Financially it’s hard too with just one wage but again I am happy!

good luck and let us know how you get on!

Stop putting everyone else’s feelings before your own.

Next time he points out one of these 'failings', tell him in a very serious voice that if truly bothered him, he'd have sorted out the 'issue' himself by now. there's only so much you can do yourself and you are sharing your home, you are both equally responsible to keep it to whatever standard you want/xan.

I think 'big' conversations about this type of issue don't really work. If you want to give him one more chance you'll have to reset the dynamic by pulling him up on each negative interaction. Firmly set limits on criticism by pushing back every single time, also point out every time you do something that benefits you both (even tiny routine house jobs) and request a thank you (you should also thank him for the things he does). Do you still have any quality time together, date nights, chats about topics other than the kids/domestic life?

So clearly it’s not been ”recently”

There have been serious issues in the past too.

Sounds like you’d be flogging a dead horse to carry on. And he doesn’t sound happy either.

Your kids will be acutely aware of your marriage difficulties and it won’t be pleasant for them to be around you both together. It will be upsetting and tense for them. So I very much doubt they’ll be “devastated” @manyriverstocross1

You could try telling him to fuck off and do it himself in that case. Stop being a passive domestic appliance and let him do his own washing and cooking.

My DH does these things too, I think it’s pretty common. Ending your marriage seems extreme. My DH and I otherwise get on and fancy each other and I can’t imagine wanting to end my marriage because he’s a bit annoying day to day. Pretty sure my DH has autistic traits by the way. I have ADHD ones and although I do all the things you do too, I am in fairness also a bit clumsy and forgetful hence that we clash sometimes. As he is ridiculously observant about everything (apart from all the things he is either voluntarily or involuntarily blind about).

If you mean that the family would be devastated, you’d be surprised. Children and more extended family members can see the writing on the wall long before those up close can. Personally, I’d call it a day, before you waste any more time trying to sort it out.
It’s really great being man free and definitely not as exhausting as trying to drag a relationship along that’s died. 😁

Yes know that one. I cojldnt wait to bundle him out of the door in my mid fifties. But then again we had no children together.
Id probably have tried to make it work if we had.
It was post menopause Im not taking any more crap itis. You do get to that stage.

Fuck that shit!

Next time he criticises, look him straight in the eye and say “That’s your opinion, which you are entitled to. I will no longer undertake this task. It’s your job now”.

Or if he is complaining about something that hasn’t been done: “ Feel free to crack on with it. I’m busy with x,y,z”.

Tell him calming but firmly. Then walk away.

My DH complained a few times about his clothes washing when we first moved in together as I bought a new washing machine and started washing our clothes together. I told him that I would just do my own and he could do his own. Over 25 years later, he still does his own laundry. We have a happy marriage.

What is grey rocking?

I would try it again before calling time.

But i feel you..
What you are describing is a hard feeling to live with.

Not reacting, no emotion. No disagreeing or agreeing. Just giving someone nothing of yourself. Don't argue or get upset, nothing. It's not about being a pushover or passive. You can still have boundaries but you just do stuck record. No dear, I'm not doing the laundry anymore. No, I said I'm not doing the laundry anymore. I don't care if you've got no clean underpants, I said I'm not doing the laundry anymore.

If you’re going to do this in a marriage, best just to go straight to divorce instead.

What a thoroughly shite existence that would be

No idea how to delete a post (?) in wrong place, I’ll edit..

Have you spoken to him?
have you tried family therapy?

Thank you all for your kindness and advice. I’ve a lot to think about. Worth noting his is aware of a shift of sorts and is bringing me tea etc. I don’t want him to be sad either so we haves lot to work through

No. Epiphany. You don't need counselling for that.

Oh, just end it.

He will only get worse. Women really need to get over the idea that once men start to actively dislike them, nothing can save it.

I cannot think of anything worse than spending these precious years (post children) with a man who picks and complains, and finds fault in everything I do. After raising 4 of his kids too.

Absolutely FUCK that!! He can stick his cups of tea as well.

I am in a similar situation and long marriage, and over the weekend, I told DH I am not cooking for him any more.( he has a special.diet) Directed him to Gousto.
The real issue is he works insane hours in a stressful job . I work way less so I get stuck with everything.
But he gets paid well so he can pay for Gousto and sort his own food.
He's not best pleased but that's his issue.

I am also quite clumsy/ forgetful. And getting worse with menopause. But my view- which I have expressed quite forcefully- is that if I do something 364 days a year, I can fuck it up one day.

I could have written this post, OP. Find it absolutely infuriating how DH has his own annoying habits - scattering his stuff all over the place, never emptying the water from the tumble dryer, never hanging his coat up - and I let it go, because I can’t be bothered to complain about trivial matters. But of course, he loves to berate me about my terrible dishwasher loading or other domestic stuff he finds lacking. Yawn!

I’ve learned to ignore it. If he’s grumbling I often just leave the room. I also just cease to do stuff if he complains about it - ie like the poster who stopped doing her DH’d washing.

I think we’ve got enough good stuff in our relationship to hold onto it, but this stuff IS wearing and I do sometimes fantasise about living alone!

I should do what DH does when I ask him to hang his coat up. He says " Yes dear. Of course" and does it, but then forgets next time.
The problem is that post menopause, I can no longer be arsed with the yes dear no dear.
Also, has anybody's 50 something husband become totally obsessed with recycling? 😀

So he is capable of being more considerate if his greater comfortable life is at risk.

It shouldn't take the possibility of a huge change in relationship status to motivate that.