Seeing DH in new light - not good

[manyriverstocross1]

I’ve been married 30 years, 4Dc. DH has always been a great dad, and as a husband is often kind, very funny and supportive. But recently I’ve come to the realisation that he barely tolerates me. He’ll pick up on things I’ve done wrong (leaving a mess, being clumsy) but seems to fail to take into consideration everything I do (majority of cooking, washing etc). It honestly feels like I’ve had an epiphany. I don’t want to live like this. I’d rather be on my own. From the outside we have it all - amazing house, lovely DC, good careers - but I fear I’m starting to feel resentful of him. I could keep going as we are and grey rock, but that’s no basis for a relationship. I’m also aware that after three decades we’re long past the romantic stage. Anyone been through similar and what did you do?

You have spoken at length to him in the past about your unhappiness and he has ignored you and reverted to this abuse.

and you’ve been to marriage counselling at various time in the past. .

You haven’t had any kind of epiphany. You sound as though you had just been worn down by what appears to have been quite an unhappy marriage for some time now

Good for you!
I just think ‘what would they do if they lived alone? They do it themselves that’s what!

All this means is that the house is going to be under a constant fog of tension.

@CharlotteRumpling wont be happy as well as her husband

Why is there going to be a constant fog of tension just because you tell them you’re not doing something anymore?
It’s a partnership not a dictatorship

Is this a recent change?

decades of cooking for someone
and then… stop
yep, there will be tension

and presumably no more sharing meal times together, which is often an important part of relationships

Personally I would say if there’s going to be tension over it then the marriage is over.
you are then just doing stuff to keep the peace and that’s what the OP said she was realising

Precisely my point
It’s circling the drain

I’m assuming after 30 years married that you children are adults, or thereabouts.

You splitting wouldn’t necessarily devastate anything, presumably they are off living their own lives. Plus, I’m sure they wouldn’t want their mother to be trundling on when you seem se unhappy.

Mayve you’re not ready to split for now, but you can still put in place some boundaries - push back against his criticism, and do more things by yourself, or with friends.

You could also try counselling by yourself to process how you are feeling and see what you would like to do about it.

You can’t change him, but you can change the situation if you’re not happy.

This was my thought too.

Well it hasn't been decades of me cooking. We had a more equal arrangement until the pandemic Also his special diet is recent too, for health reasons.

I expect we will still eat together. I have just had enough of cooking for him.

@manyriverstocross1 Hmm, that’s interesting, because it suggests that he realizes that you’re pushing back against his constant criticism, and he’s scared.

He knows that he’s been bullying you and getting away with it up to now. Bullies get scared when you stand up to them.

Do you still have fun @manyriverstocross1? DH and I do still have fun travelling, going to the theatre, and with our DC.
I am not sure why everyone is bringing up autism. Is being critical and nitpicky an autistic trait? And does it get worse over time?

Agree, it sounds like your kids are all grown up and living their own lives? And would probably rather see you happy!

@CharlotteRumpling Yes, having fun is a huge part of marriage!

Once stuff like this is seen, then it can be very hard to unsee. Potential neurodiversity is neither neither nor there to a degree. He either can’t or won’t see stuff your way which isn’t great

Is it generally a happy, loving thriving marriage @CharlotteRumpling ?

Will you each do grocery shopping independently? Is it just the two of you at home?

I would like to suggest therapy for you, but I think you know the answer deep down.

Yes, I would say so, but some conflict over the last few years because both of us WFH and therefore generate more housework. DH should really find a new, less stressful job. It's making him grumpy. But he is in his late fifties and the market is terrible. He has tried.

Grocery shopping: We just do a Tesco online order for the big shop. Not a big deal. Pick up small stuff when we can. Laundry easy too. I don't mind most of the stuff, just the mental load of cooking. I also think he has more time to notice housework because he WFH most days. Hence the fussiness.

We have an adult DD living with us but she is never home and obviously sorts out her own food, laundry etc. Though she will eat the dinner I make if she is around.

No idea if any ND involved. I have sometimes thought I have ADHD, but doesnt everyone think that these days? And I know no hope of getting a diagnosis on the NHS.

How was last night with him cooking his own dinner??

Well, I didn't pay much mind as I was out yesterday! I am out a lot. I spend a lot of time on my own hobbies.

I think he is sorting a Hello Fresh or Mindful Chef or Gousto today.
Basically I have made it very clear that he can take over all jobs he thinks I am not doing well. And yes, I do fuck up because menopause is making me very scatty.
But I don't think that's a hanging offence and I expect give and take.

He seriously has said you’re not doing “other jobs well”??? Twat!

Well, not in those words. But more like mumbling under his breath 'Why are the knives put away like this" when they should be ' like this'.🙄

DS, who lives away from us, is also fussy so maybe an inherited trait. He's been doing all his own chores since 16. DD is more happy go lucky, like me.

He sounds utterly infuriating

I suppose, like PP upthread said, I am infuriating because I often don't do things the way they should be done. He's not the first person to tell me this, btw. I just don't like the way he is telling me.