Living with a partner and my kids, he has his own food cupboard etc is this normal ?

[Newlife26]

Been with partner for 9 years, living together for 4. He has a child from a previous relationship and so do I.
Mine lives with us, age 12, his just has sleepovers twice a week.
We have a mortgage together. He earns around £1300 more a month than I do, although I do get Child benefit and £50 per week child maintenance.

All bills are split 50/50, anything that gets spent on the house is 50/50 even down to small amounts.

He does nothing to help me with my child, like lifts to school etc, hardly talks to him, and does nothing with him. I have no help financially, he buys his own food and keeps it separate and will moan if my child uses something of his, like a towel or something.

We never have any conversations about future goals etc, everything just seems to be him or me, theres never a ‘our’.
If I complain about lack of money he tells me to get a better job. And his money is his and mine is mine.

Is this a normal second relationship where you don't have children together ?
Or is this not normal?!

Not normal at all. Seems to me you either live separately, or together as a family. You’re living together but not as a family.

Usually financial commitment follows from relationship commitment, not the other way around. It’s hard to understand why you got a mortgage together. Sounds like it’s just to save housing costs, not because you want to be together.

What happens at mealtimes, do you cook your own food separately like flat-mates?

How shit for your son, having to live with an adult who doesn’t like or care for him.

OP has said property has no equity and she has no money left each month to save.

OP is there any love between you to try and make it work, sit down and talk about where you both think your relationship is going, personally it wouldn’t work for me, a partnership means sharing everything, he’s made it clear what’s his is his.

Not normal . You are living like housemates , or two people who were desperate to get on the housing market , bought a house , live in it , but separately .
Dh and I lived together for years before marrying . He earned more more than me .
He paid all bills inc mortgage and I bought the food . He also changed his bank a/c to joint so I could have a card and buy stuff from it if I was running low . I kept my own bank account .

If you’re on a low income, there are some circumstances where you can get universal credit if you’ve split up but living in the same house. It would be worth calling them to ask as this would give you the chance to save up and get out

Why the hell are you with him. You’d be better off alone financiallly and emotionally
why are you making your poor son live with this horrible selfish man who barely speaks to him. Honestly, you should be a bit ashamed of that.

But it isnt just the two of them. His attitude towards the op’s 12 year old son is damaging. Allowing this to continue is abuse.

Definitely move out.

How does your son respond to and act around your partner? Do you get a sense of how he feels about the situation/him?

To be honest I think it's fine him having an issue with sharing towels, I don't like it when my stepkids use my towels (I don't like sharing towels in general). I also have a tiny cupboard for treats and snacks for myself, which I only started using because I would buy myself something nice and never get a chance to eat or drink it as when I would go to get it, it would be gone. But we also have a kids snack cupboard and I always make sure there's snacks in there for the kids but they're not going to appreciate an expensive bar of chocolate and will munch through one in seconds where as I have a bit every now and again as a treat so they get more kid friendly stuff.
I also think it would be nice for him to help out with lifts and things but it's not his responsibility and sometimes it works better for blended families that the step-parent doesn't take on parenting-type responsibilities.

In all of this the thing that would really matter to me is their relationship. All of the above can happen and they still have a good relationship but if your partner barely speaks to him then that can't be the case and that, for me, is the key issue that needs to be addressed.

I understand that leaving isn't always easy but if you feel that the situation is harming you're son then it's worth looking into your options. If you are on the council waiting list they will be asking if you or anyone you live with are at risk of abuse, that includes emotional and psychological abuse. If you feel like this is emotional abuse towards your son you only need to tell the council and you will be made a priority.

I disagree.

There is absolutely no way she should try and make this work.
She needs to put her child first and leave.

She needs to manage her money better.
I have all of the sane bills OP does but I do not share the bills 50/50 nor get maintenance like she does.

Once she’s sold the house she can go into renting and then she’ll get UC top ups if she’s on a low income.

I’m so sad for your child ☹️

Given you own half the house you need to split and either the house gets sold or one of you buys the other out

Separate food cupboards for some foods is not unusual, DP and I have half a cupboard each for personal food items that we don’t want to share (like individual chocolates we were gifted at Christmas and luxury items that we buy with our personal spends because we don’t think they should come out of the family food budget like expensive coffee pods and luxury hot chocolate for DP and limited edition Pepsi cans for me). DC also have half a cupboard each for Christmas chocolate, Easter eggs, sweets from the GP’s etc.

We all have separate towels in the bathroom and we don’t use each others. DP and I have separate money.

What isn’t normal is how your DP treats your child or that all food (and therefore cooking and eating?) are separate.

Love between them?

Who is going to protect her son while they're assessing their relationship?

If he makes more it would be fair to contribute according to income - that's what partners do!
OP has to find other resources, try and get some legal advice, find other living arrangements. It will takes playing happy familiy to get things in order, but as long as OP and child are safe I'd do that.
Try women's aid, you may not feel 'abused,' but abuse come in all forms, and it does sound a bit like financial abuse to keep you down, not have a proper partnership and insist you pay beyond your means. You said he was nice in the beginning. That says a lot, actually.

Can't get past the fact that you allow a man that hardly talks to your child to live with you. Your poor son.

I can't get over how you are watching this man be abusive towards your son and doing nothing about it.

If he treated you the same way he treats your son you wouldn't stay in a relationship with him would you. You would think well, he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't share his life or belongings or food with me. What's the point.

But your son can't leave. He is relying on you to protect him, not to make him think this is normal and all he is worth. It's going to be so damaging to him and will impact his whole future and all his future relationships.

Please, please, stop making pathetic excuses, protect your poor child and get this man out of his life.

He’s lived with you since your child was 3 and he doesn’t acknowledge him or do anything with him? What an awful home life for your child to be growing up in.

And that her main concern in this thread is his personal food cupboard rather than her poor son .

I feel very sorry for your child.

Apart from anything else, how did you get on the council housing list if you jointly own a property? Is there something I'm not aware of in the rules?

OK, leaving that aside for a minute, would you go to a refuge via Women's Aid or similar if he refuses to leave, or stonewalls selling the house? Then get help to force a sale. I know that is very simplistic and I don't know much about all this, but you have to start somewhere. So contacting Citizen's Advice/Women's Aid and wherever else others on the thread might advise is a good first step.

No way can you live like this anymore. That poor child, put him first. Now.

You are partly stuck as you are paying a larger portion of your salary. Where is the lads Dad? Anywhere in the picture to help finances. Am sure he would help if he knew how this new guy is treating his son. Am sure you’re doing the best you can but you need a better paid job. Now your son is 12 youre not tied to school drops off and pick ups. Make a plan to save £2k for a deposit. Sell something? Get a side hustle but get out asap away from this selfish little mid man xxxx

I can't believe the responses to someone asking for help.

How wonderful for all of the very privileged people to add judgemental comments criticising Ops inability to simply leave (so often banded around by readers who seem to live in a fairytale where that's easy to arrange). She clearly wants to and has reached out here only to receive scolding. Some even proclaiming to know exactly what she should be able to afford each month based on nothing more than being a single mum.

Sorry you've been hounded off your post OP. You know it's not normal and you definitely shouldn't accept it. Can you make it clear the relationship must end and discuss him buying you out?

You could use any profit to cover a deposit for a rental, or make enquiries about housing association in your area.

you got a mortgage with a guy who barely acknowledges your kid.

that should be the issue.

not whether he keeps his own food. that's piffle compared to the fact your own child must feel unwelcome in his own home

Thank you for your understanding.
Its easy for people to say leave bla bla, but its actually a lot harder than said!
I would love just to have a house elsewhere and just up and leave, but the reality is I don

OP no-one is saying it's easy to leave. If you jointly own a property and you split, you will have some money from the sale of the house to put towards a deposit for a private rental. Think about how your poor son feels living with someone who barely speaks to him and has no interest in him. He deserves better than that.