Living with a partner and my kids, he has his own food cupboard etc is this normal ?

[Newlife26]

Been with partner for 9 years, living together for 4. He has a child from a previous relationship and so do I.
Mine lives with us, age 12, his just has sleepovers twice a week.
We have a mortgage together. He earns around £1300 more a month than I do, although I do get Child benefit and £50 per week child maintenance.

All bills are split 50/50, anything that gets spent on the house is 50/50 even down to small amounts.

He does nothing to help me with my child, like lifts to school etc, hardly talks to him, and does nothing with him. I have no help financially, he buys his own food and keeps it separate and will moan if my child uses something of his, like a towel or something.

We never have any conversations about future goals etc, everything just seems to be him or me, theres never a ‘our’.
If I complain about lack of money he tells me to get a better job. And his money is his and mine is mine.

Is this a normal second relationship where you don't have children together ?
Or is this not normal?!

A really easy way to look at it, is to think about who benefits most from this.

He earns £1300 more a month but still only pays 50% of the mortgage and other expenses. That’s really not equitable. He’s got a great setup.

Not at all normal. He sounds so selfish and mean.
You need to get professional advice but I think living anywhere with your DS would be better than staying with someone who clearly doesn't care much about either of you.

He's abusing you and your child, LTB, if not for you, for your child's sake.

He's not your partner.

He’s not a lodger , they own a house together.

Whats it like when his kid is there? Does he cook for them 2?

You’ll have to split and sell the house , split any equity.

This is an awful, soul destroying childhood for your DC. Unfortunately this will shape them and their relationship to you in the future in ways you cannot fathom right now.

If you must stay in this awful arrangement of a relationship then you need to start laying some ground rules with this man.

Or you have a choice to prioritise your DC and leave.

Your poor son why are you allowing him to be treated like this?

Your poor son.

LTB

Did you talk about how you would deal with the kids before you two moved in together? Did he make it clear he wasn't going to be parenting or helping you with your son at all? Do you help with his child?

This would be a normal set up for people who rent share a house, but not for people in a romantic relationship. It sounds like you're two completely separate housemates with kids, not two people in a long term relationship. That he barely speaks to your child that's living in the home is awful. Poor kid.

@Newlife26 your child will likely leave home at the earliest opportunity and never look back.

Imagine being your child ..

No this is not normal or a healthy partnership. Seek legal advice regarding the mortgage/housing situation, and make plans to leave. He sounds like a horrible waste of space.

Not normal at all, when my DH gets a pay rise he doesn’t keep it to himself, he’ll add to our savings or we’ll have a nicer holiday. Same if it’s me that has more.
It definitely isn’t normal for him to dislike your child. Children
get one childhood and a bad one can cause all sorts of problems for them, find a way out of this relationship.

Your poor son has lived like this for four years! Of course you have allowed it.

Get shut.

you have put up with this for HOW LONG????

So since your poor son was 8 years old you’ve facilitated his childhood being ruined by this prick treating him like shit under your roof?

Put your kid first ffs before it’s too late

Yet another in the long list on MN of women who prioritise dick over their kids

He does nothing to help me with my child, like lifts to school etc, hardly talks to him, and does nothing with him. … and will moan if my child uses something of his, like a towel or something.
You have chosen this pile of crap for a partner. Your poor, poor child has to put up with this awful life because you chose it.

Do better for your son.

Keeping finances separate can be okay, in a 2nd relationship where there are no shared children but one or both of you have children with someone else.
Keeping food separate is weird, do you mean completely separate and he only cooks meals for himself.
I do find it frustrating when my dc/dp eat something I have bought for myself. I have been known to hide chocolate bars/ Pringles etc. I'd get none if I didn't.
I don't like towel sharing, we don't do that and all have our own towels.
That he hardly speaks to your child is concerning , it must be awful for your dc having to live with him.
That alone is reason enough to leave.
Saying his child just has sleepovers twice a week is a bit odd, like it's not their home too. It sounds a bit toxic in places.

Yet another in the long list on MN of women who prioritise dick over their kids

Sad but true

Money separate yes that’s normal. But food no. DP and I have our own treat jars. But that’s cause we like different things and trying to be healthy. Our rule is if you want to eat unhealthy buy your own. But meals we share and eat together.

hardly talks to him

Why is your thread about him having his own cupboard when he barely talks to your son and he moans if he uses something of his!!

FFS you need to leave.

Does your son have a relationship with their dad?
Do you have anywhere to live temporarily?