Living with a partner and my kids, he has his own food cupboard etc is this normal ?

[Newlife26]

Been with partner for 9 years, living together for 4. He has a child from a previous relationship and so do I.
Mine lives with us, age 12, his just has sleepovers twice a week.
We have a mortgage together. He earns around £1300 more a month than I do, although I do get Child benefit and £50 per week child maintenance.

All bills are split 50/50, anything that gets spent on the house is 50/50 even down to small amounts.

He does nothing to help me with my child, like lifts to school etc, hardly talks to him, and does nothing with him. I have no help financially, he buys his own food and keeps it separate and will moan if my child uses something of his, like a towel or something.

We never have any conversations about future goals etc, everything just seems to be him or me, theres never a ‘our’.
If I complain about lack of money he tells me to get a better job. And his money is his and mine is mine.

Is this a normal second relationship where you don't have children together ?
Or is this not normal?!

OP has said she pays half of the bills and has very little left at the end of the month. Doesn't seem like she can afford to live there on her own.

Ask him to buy you out OP and use to get a private let.

How can you be on the council waiting list when you own your own home?

My DH did this too for my youngest DS who was 7 when we married. Now DS is an adult with his own home but he still goes out for a curry or to cinema with DH about once a month. If DS car goes in for an MOT DH drops him and collects him from work. I would never have married a man who was not brilliant with my DS.

This!

wtf, op?

A million miles from normal

You jointly own the house so sell it split the equity and look at other options. Buy somewhere smaller, look at shared ownership or a housing association. Never put a man above your child, you risk ruining your relationship with him forever. It’s a miserable situation for him and when he is older it will come back to haunt you , he can never get his childhood back. He has already been through your split with his dad and your current situation is not a good example to him of a healthy relationship. It will influence how he sees relationships. This is why women really need to concentrate on the wellbeing of themselves and their children after a breakup. I know what it’s like I’m a single mum. Don’t look for another man to save you at the expense of your children. Better to have a bit less money , pay your own bills and have peace in your life and live in a happy home without tension in the air. Your kids will thank you for it. They will always be in your life but men can come and go.

Whose credit cards bills & loan, hope you are not paying these for him?

Your poor poor boy ☹️. That's years of his life living in a horrible environment.
Take a payment holiday from all the bills and save your son.

He’ll have to buy you out then, with sufficient funds that you can set up in a small rental or have an adequate flat deposit.

absolutely not normal one bit

No, someone doesn't have to if the relationship ends - many couples split and stay in the house until it's sold.

He hardly ever talks to him.

don’t let your child continue to live in this environment. This is not normal that he has his own food cupboard and doesn’t engage with your son.

This ….. and you’ve only just realised after all this time? This is not a good relationship

Wow this is far from normal... Especially the way he treats your child...dam girl you made a mistake getting a mortgage with him..

That’s a horrible way for your child to have to live, but technically your partner is doing nothing wrong by wanting to keep some things for his personal use or consumption. A step mum posting on here that her step child wanted to use her stuff would be advised that she should lock her stuff away.

Does he also pay maintenance for his child? It sounds like you are getting nothing (or less) out of this deal and he is getting you to pay half of his bills & mortgage. For starters state that you will pay bills & mortgage pro-rata to your incomes going forward, as it is unlikely that you will see any equity from the house.

Do you have debts? Are they on 0% or low interest? How are you at budgeting?? It might be time to reassess and start a plan to forget your own new life. See CAB to see how you can do this. Save the money (once you give him less per month), with a plan to move in the next 6 to 12 months. Don't let him use or have anything of yours (like he does) including your labour or mental health.

Take advice, but I think this is your best bet. There's no equity probably, but he could give you enough to start over if you take your name off the deeds.

I know you are getting some flack, but we'll done for posting - you have recognised your situation and this is the beginning of your new life for you and your child 🙏

Sounds more like you are roommates that sleep together.

Poor kid. Put the house on the market asap. This isn't a relationship.

Your poor child.

I think the new renters bill that comes in shortly means that you don’t have to pay 2 months rent in advance. Please leave this man if he doesn’t change his treatment of you and your son immediately.

Agree with everyone that you should change your living situation ASAP.

Also wanted to add that if your son wants to go to university his maintenance loan will be reduced based on your household income, while this man won't be willing to help top it up and you can't afford to. Ideally you will separate but if you stay you need to save for your son yo go to uni or he will struggle to go.

Oh, this sounds awful for your child! I pay for my child's share of flights, holidays, eating out but my DP does a lot for my child - help with lifts, tech, homework, play, and gets him gifts for christmas/birthday. He has known from the start that my DC is a priority, and we are a package deal. They get along like a house on fire, else I really wouldn't have taken the relationship any further. To answer your question - not just is this not normal, it is actually a horrible situation for your child to be in.

Im surprised you even have to ask op.

And your poor child.