Huge Argument

[RedBird1779]

Hi all,
Been having a few marital problems for the last year. Feel like husband and I are constantly at loggerheads. Had a huge argument at the weekend with husband over what started about something very small. Adult daughter got involved after I felt I was being told I said something bad about my husband when in fact I didn’t say what they both were saying I said. Ended up being VERY frustrated after trying to make them realise I didn’t say anything of the sort. I ended up getting very upset after being “hounded” by both of them saying I’m a trouble maker etc. also ended up punching the wall. I had a total meltdown when they were calling me things and shouting in my face. Upon punching the wall husband then came over and grabbed my hair and shouted in my face to f*ing stop.
I then become even more distraught and told them to leave me alone.
It’s been 4 days now and husband has apologised via text saying he is sorry for the hair grabbing and it won’t happen again. I still haven’t spoken to him and I’m well and truly upset and confused.
I am really unsure what to think or make of the whole situation. Opinions welcome please. 🙏

OP, why did both your DH and DD think you said something that you deny saying? Punching the wall is a very teenage boy sort of thing to do. Your husband was well out of order, grabbing your hair and shouting in your face, but sadly, it sounds as though the whole situation was completely out of control by this time, and tempers were running high. It does take two to make a quarrel, OP. If you and your DH are “constantly at loggerheads”, you need to examine why this is the case, what the triggers are, and whether your relationship can be salvaged.

It was me who punched the wall not him.
I was accused of saying my husband doesn’t know how to cook a certain thing. When I just said I didn’t in fact say that my DD and DH then starting saying I did and saying I’m a trouble maker and just carried throwing insults at me. So stupid I know but I constantly seem to get told things I’m doing or saying are out of order when I don’t so ended up getting so frustrated which escalated the whole thing. I could understand more if DH was pulling my body away to
stop me punching the wall but the fact he decided to actually grab and pull my hair I just find hard to deal with 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP, I know it was you who punched the wall: it’s immature behaviour. You and your DH are going to have to learn to agree to differ - getting this irate over whether or not DH can cook something, and then having an argument that is still rumbling on after four days is ridiculous. As for not speaking to him, how on earth is that supposed to resolve anything? It’s actually abusive behaviour, OP. He was unreasinabke pulling your hair, but you have now kept this whole thing going for four days. Perhaps you need some marriage guidance counselling - clearly neither of you can carry on as you are at present.

What did you say that they misunderstood @RedBird1779?

Just get divorced. It will be less drama for both of you.

Does he often gaslight you? Does DD take his side? Does she live with you? Why did she get involved?

Sorry for all the Q's but I have a hunch.

No matter what is going on DD should not be involved.
Leave if you feel threatened. It sounds like you should anyway. If the roles were reversed and DH punched a wall first there'd be a clamour of LTB, his hair-pulling was absolutely wrong, but you also need to look at your abusive behaviour too.

Even if you did say he couldn’t cook a dish this really isn’t a bad thing to say about anyone.

Why does your h and dd give a shit about that?

You do need to learn to walk away. They sound vile for ganging up on you. And you lost it and punched the wall. Come on. You can do better than this.

How can it escalate to all that over a difference of opinion on how to cook something? You all need to work on anger management

How is your relationship with your daughter now? She shouldn’t be involved in this at all. There must be something else going on under the ‘you can’t cook X properly’ otherwise it’s extremely childish of all of you.

What is the dynamic usually like between the three of you? Does your adult daughter live with you and does she often get involved in your arguments? It sounds like a pile on from them which can be extremely upsetting if you know you are in the right, but punching a wall is not the answer. Your husbands hair pulling reaction was very wrong too. This whole thing sounds like an episode of Eastenders!
Next time please walk away away and don't allow things to escalate no matter how frustrating. Take yourself out of the situation. You say you and your husband have been at loggerheads for a year so something is obviously wrong. Would you consider couples counselling to improve your communication or would separating be a a better solution?

I agree with a previous poster, you need to split. Grabbing your hair and shouting in your face....did your daughter think that was fine to do that to you? Both sound like a pair of bullies. The gaslighting just isn't on. I know where you're coming from OP. I can't stand being told I did or said something I didn't, I'm not saying I'd punch a wall but I do understand why it got to that.

Wow!

She lives with us yes. I always feel things escalate when she gets involved

Me abusive?

Punching inanimate objects is always deemed to be domestic violence on here, yes, and by DV agencies.
The marriage should end, it doesn't seem at all enjoyable to anyone.

“I constantly seem to get told things I’m doing or saying are out of order when I don’t so ended up getting so frustrated”

This concerns me. This is classic gaslighting and is very abusive. Could you ring Women’s Aid for a chat to clarify things?

This sounds like a toxic and dangerous situation all round and it might be best to take some space from each other and get some help with your anger.

This really isn’t about cooking things. It was another negative thing I was told I supposedly said when I hadn’t. I’m so fed up of being told I am nasty, judgemental etc etc. I was being shouted at constantly in my face so I’m a bit upset some people on here think I’m childish or pathetic. I can only take so much. But for the DH to grab my hair?!

Start the divorce form online, this is no way for anyone to live.
If either of those people start following you round the house wanting an argument, just leave.

Punching a wall is abusive.

It's also extremely unhealthy and indicates a lack of control over your anger.

Your relationship is dysfunctional.

Your DH grabbing your hair was wrong but it doesn’t absolve you of anything you have done wrong. There can be fault on both sides simultaneously.

Punching walls is violence, even if it isn’t directed at a person. It is distressing to be around, and it is abusive. You need to accept responsibility for your part in all of this and apologise - as your husband has already done. After that, it would probably be healthier for you both to separate.

You have been having marital problems for a year and are constantly at loggerheads. So there is some issue which is not being resolved. What was your relationship like before this? Did something happen a year ago to start these issues? Whatever it was, it's not going away, is it? Unless you can get to the bottom of the problem, it might be best to call time on the marriage.

Agree with this op, sorry. You seem to be minimising your own role in this, focusing on the hair pulling (agree thats abusive), over your own abusive behaviour (punching the wall). Not speaking to him for days is also abusive - nothing is going to get resolved that way. You (both) need to consider if this marriage worth saving or not - I agree some counselling might be helpful.

OP you evidently (both on here and in your daily life) seem to have an ingrained refusal to acknowledge your own actions as being wrong or unreasonable. In other words you seemingly cannot take criticism and let me just say, that will not get you anywhere in life. Neither personally nor professionally. Find some humility.