Huge Argument

[RedBird1779]

Hi all,
Been having a few marital problems for the last year. Feel like husband and I are constantly at loggerheads. Had a huge argument at the weekend with husband over what started about something very small. Adult daughter got involved after I felt I was being told I said something bad about my husband when in fact I didn’t say what they both were saying I said. Ended up being VERY frustrated after trying to make them realise I didn’t say anything of the sort. I ended up getting very upset after being “hounded” by both of them saying I’m a trouble maker etc. also ended up punching the wall. I had a total meltdown when they were calling me things and shouting in my face. Upon punching the wall husband then came over and grabbed my hair and shouted in my face to f*ing stop.
I then become even more distraught and told them to leave me alone.
It’s been 4 days now and husband has apologised via text saying he is sorry for the hair grabbing and it won’t happen again. I still haven’t spoken to him and I’m well and truly upset and confused.
I am really unsure what to think or make of the whole situation. Opinions welcome please. 🙏

This relationship isn’t working.

Its good you recognise that you were in the wrong and if you’re not usually like this then it’s a sign that things cannot continue.

The only one I feel sorry for is your poor DD who probably can’t afford to move out and her simple act of cooking was an excuse for you and DH to have a massive argument and get physical.
Its also resulted in the silent treatment for 4 days!

Your poor DD must be walking around on egg shells living in the most uncomfortable environment where her parents aren’t speaking to each other.

How did you get from them saying you’d said DH doesn’t know how to cook something to you having such a meltdown that you’re punching the wall and having to be restrained? Thats a huge reaction, and in front of your child too.

I know DH will get grief here for pulling you by your hair but you sound like you were out of control.

This is all extremely unhealthy. Do you usually struggle to contain your emotions? Does he? I wonder if some sort of anger management/counselling would help.

Sorry have you read my previous replies?

Divorce him, sounds like their both abusing you & then punishing you when you snap.

I think it sounds like a cycle of toxic behaviour all round and it’s past the point of who started what and why. If you are able to leave OP I would, just to have a peaceful life.

Children (even adult ones) often take the side of the abusive parent as a way of protecting themselves. Your home environment doesn't sound healthy for anyone there. Get advice from Womens Aid and think about your next steps. It's not great that you punched the wall, but sounds like you were pushed to your absolute limit. Hope you are ok.

It's not about what you said or didn't say about cooking. An abusive man can find the smallest most insignificant thing and make it into a reason to shout and swear at you.

Your daughter has picked on this growing up and now thinks its ok to treat you with with such contempt and disrespect.

Honestly - and I'm speaking here as someone who has been a victim of serious domestic abuse - your entire family situation sounds dysfunctional and dangerous. All three of you, including your daughter, seem very volatile and dramatic and it's not remotely healthy. You all need help.

The point of gaslighting is that it makes the victim so frustrated and angry that they lose control and then the blame for any argument is immediately switched to them. Because the gaslighter is controlling the whole situation, with specific outcome in mind. It is a prolonged campaign, as OP has stated this is not the first time, to repeatedly be told you have said or done something you haven;t is incredibly exhausting and makes you feel as if you are losing your mind. Unbelievably abusive behaviour.

Yes OP shouldn;t have punched a wall but she had reached breaking point, its not about cooking its about being worn down and abused over a long period of time.

And all the people trotting out the trope 'the silent treatment is abuse', without actually considering the situation are wrong. A person who consistently reacts to any disagreement or punishes someone by not talking to them is abusive, yes. A person who has been physically attacked by their partner (yanking her hair) and chooses not to carry on chatting away as if nothing has happened, is not being abusive. Choosing not to communicate with a physical abuser (lets face it last time she communicated he attacked her) is a valid response. It is ithdrawing for your own protection. If someone posted on here 'my husband physically attacked me, he said sorry and now wants to behave as if nothing has happened, but I don;t want anything to do with him' no one would be saying she was abusive.

MNetters are often totally incapable of seeing any nuance or context and trot out phrases they read on here as if they are immutable truth in all situations.

OP you need to get out of this, he has physically attacked you and is gaslighting you, I can guarantee it will get worse, and you will be made out to be the bad guy somehow, because that's how he's manipulating the narrative already. Keep yourself safe until you can make a complete break from him.
You deserve a better life than this.

Yes, it sounds as if DD joins in with her father against you to protect herself.

Do you really want to live like this, OP? Or would you prefer to live separately from your husband?
I suggest that you ring Women's Aid and talk it through with them.

My DD was actually making some food for herself and DH was saying to her “why don’t you do this etc etc” like he always does. All I said was “stop going on at her just leave her to make it herself”

Honestly this does sound like you started it all by getting involved in their exchange and being rude to him - 'Stop going on at her'. She's 21, as you say, and can tell him herself if she wants to, or she can listen to him if she pleases. But you escalated it and then he reacted and then you all went way OTT and still are doing. Bottom line is the whole relationship is toxic and you need to get out, but don't kid yourself it sprang from some big misunderstanding that you said he can't cook. It sprang from you being sick of his ways and sticking your oar in, which will happen again as soon as you're speaking again, and the outcome could be even more violent from either of you. Draw a line and separate for everyone's sake.

Are you seriously that stupid you didn’t read that the husband and daughter - adult - were both shouting in op’s face and then the husband was pulling her hair?!!! You are making out that one thing the op did was abusive but ignoring the actual abuse going on by 2 other adults towards one Woman???

You're both singling out things done by either side which are interrelated. @HeadyLamarr is correct to sum up that the relationship is dysfunctional.

Just leave them both OP. Your time to shine baby! Leave them to call one another nasty while you get a little apartment or something and live your best life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ive been you OP. I divorced my ex and have no contact with my daughter (it got worse). Basically once she hit teens she started mirroring him and he loved it because he had an ally in torturing me.

you won’t like this but you need to leave and go low contact with your adult daughter: have a zero tolerance of that behaviour fromANYONE. Surround yourself only wirh people who treat you well and completely cut off anyone who doesn’t. The punching wall thing is reactive abuse and a normal human reaction to what you are experiencing.

tou must get out, and get therapy from a trained counsellor in abuse and create rock hard boundaries and work on your self love. It’s the only way .

ny guess is there’s been years of this and you are only just seeing it .

im giving this advice as someone whose been there and someone who works with DV victims (social worker). You are being bullied (and I bet it’s daily) by your DD and DH and I would be you are experiencing CPTSD. Get out now before it gets worse.

PM me if you would like x

Op are you ok ? You admit punching a wall . By admitting it you feel bad about it , has this happened before ? Iv been there . I don’t anymore because it doesn’t get you anywhere . But instead of thinking your ‘abusive’ or got a temper i got a feeling this is a reaction from being abused . I think it’s called reactive abuse . And if your daughter is like your husband and you have put up with it for a long time this is the sort of stuff that happens. Is your husband a bully ? Im only asking because behaviour is learnt . Hense why your daughter is treating you like your husband z

Agree with tellyouwahtiwant28
I did things in my marriage that I have never done outside of it. I was pushed and pushed and when I snapped he would gleefully go ‘see kids - mums nuts’ basically. I’m a naturally peaceful totally non aggressive person in every way. But even I had my breaking points. Even if you can’t leave him for other reasons leave him for that reason. I hated myself with him. I became a different person. Now I live in peace I never raise my voice, I’m calm, I’m joyful, I rarely ever cry! With him I was crying every week, screaming sometimes, raging. It’s natural in that environment - I know now it wasn’t me!

my heart really goes out to you OP. You deserve so much better.

Without wishing to sound childish- you started it. You were criticising your dh in front of your daughter- never a good idea and not fair on him. Then he overreacted but instead of apologising you dug your heels in making some pedantic argument splitting hairs. No maybe you weren't saying he didn't know how to cook something but you were implicitly saying something much worse - that his parenting was poor. You should have just apologised. Can you give more specifics about what your dh and dd were shouting in your face? You punching the wall and DH grabbing your hair is totally unacceptable - his action is worse. You both urgently need couples counselling or separation. This is not going to get better by itself.

NO. What he did was assault. No one caused that but him

If you resorted to physical violence then that’s on you. You are responsible for your actions. If you are getting bothered you move away. Not attack someone

Physical violence is never irrelevant

You ended your post saying that you’d like opinions but are strangely baffled when people say things like behaviour like punching walls is immature.

While your h’s physically abusive behaviour is obviously wildly unacceptable, things must be terrible in your marriage for things to get out of control so fast. I agree with the posters who said that punching walls is an immature way to deal with frustration. This doesn’t mean what your h did is ok but you only have control over your own behaviour so it feels strange to me that days afterwards, you can’t see how your behaviour was wrong. People behave badly in the heat of the moment (you’re human) but not being able to look at your behaviour and assess it is worrying.

I can’t help but wonder why you and him are married and if things can be turned around if you can’t see how your behaviour contributed to things. I’m not defending his behaviour btw but you have the power to change your life if you want to. Not talking to each other is hastening the race to the end and deepening the resentment that you both seem to feel towards each other. It’s time to make time and talk about things calmly so that incidents like this don’t happen again.

I’ve never read so many people blaming the victim when a man physically assaults her.

no amount of ranting means you asked for being assaulted

Oh dear god have I fallen into sine twilight zone. He physically assaulted her. He grabbed her hair to control her head and yelled in her face.

this is violent abuse.

OP get out. This is how it starts

Yes they were both interfering and then he physically abused her

Thank you so much ♥️