Huge Argument

[RedBird1779]

Hi all,
Been having a few marital problems for the last year. Feel like husband and I are constantly at loggerheads. Had a huge argument at the weekend with husband over what started about something very small. Adult daughter got involved after I felt I was being told I said something bad about my husband when in fact I didn’t say what they both were saying I said. Ended up being VERY frustrated after trying to make them realise I didn’t say anything of the sort. I ended up getting very upset after being “hounded” by both of them saying I’m a trouble maker etc. also ended up punching the wall. I had a total meltdown when they were calling me things and shouting in my face. Upon punching the wall husband then came over and grabbed my hair and shouted in my face to f*ing stop.
I then become even more distraught and told them to leave me alone.
It’s been 4 days now and husband has apologised via text saying he is sorry for the hair grabbing and it won’t happen again. I still haven’t spoken to him and I’m well and truly upset and confused.
I am really unsure what to think or make of the whole situation. Opinions welcome please. 🙏

Punching the wall is abusive behaviour and if DH posted we’d be telling him to leave you.

Your reaction was scary.
Instead of leaving to cool down or using your words you turned to violence.
Thats not ok.

You’re now not speaking to him which on MN the silent treatment is also abusive.

However, it’s done and the most important thing is what happens next.
You obviously need to separate and leave asap.
This is not a healthy relationship.

😀Ikr!

I bet all police leave is cancelled if they play monopoly one night!

so funny

You sound completely out of control. What a horrific environment for you all to live in. There are posters on here who will always be convinced the man is to blame but you’re the one who started shouting and punched the wall. What the fuck? How did it possibly escalate so quickly and violently?

You need to get divorced. Just get on with it and stop living in a war zone.

I know I was in the wrong and have done many things wrong. Also we are not talking to each other at the moment. Only reason on my side is I feel it’s important I don’t just talk to him straight after when emotions are still high. It’s important I took time to consider things both sides and get my head around the whole situation. I am not a violent person usually but as I said I could only take so much abuse being thrown at me.

Your husband and daughter sound like arseholes. You can't possibly be happy living on the age waiting for them to go off over some misheard comment or misunderstanding, and it's hard to have a positive relationship with someone who assumes the worst of you and treats you like a wayward naughty child.

If you'd said that this was out of character for your husband then I could understand how you'd be tempted to believe his apology and promise, but you say that this behaviour happens often - why try to excuse it?

Punching the wall is of course wrong and certainly CAN be abusive if it's done to intimidate ("next time it'll be your face" sort of thing) or manipulate someone into backing off from legitimate criticism or disagreement. It's not in the same league as actually physically harming a person, however. In this case it sounds like some combination of not being able to channel your anger and frustration constructively AND being overwhelmed by the pile-on, possibly as something that's built up over time as you feel that these two very typically gang up on you and behave horribly.

There are some very harsh and pious responses here, I think maybe we can’t get a clear picture of what happened. Is it

you make a throwaway remark
DH says “don’t tell me I can’t [make toast]
you say “well, I wasn’t saying that, I…”
DH and DD [WTF?] both shout in your face?

or is it more like

DH: don’t tell me I can’t make toast
You: AARGH! I DIDNT SAY THAT YOU MORON!

(everyone starts shouting)

the second one would make it all a bit more explicable

Agree with the posters saying walk away from escalating situations. And consider how to leave.

I am not one of those people believe me! I take full responsibility for my actions which were totally wrong I know that. I am ashamed of them.

If you know what you have done wrong then focus on that, because it’s the only thing you have the power to change.

You say that you’re not talking to each other. But if he has messaged you to apologise then he has at least made some effort. If you aren’t ready for a conversation about it yet, then it would be better to say that and give yourself a certain amount of time, rather than staying entirely silent.

Thank you.
My DD was actually making some food for herself and DH was saying to her “why don’t you do this etc etc” like he always does. All I said was “stop going on at her just leave her to make it herself” (she’s 21) and he flipped saying “you think I don’t know what I’m doing” I never said that at all. I told him I didn’t and he just carried on and on saying I’m nasty etc. daughter started too……then escalated when I was constantly bombarded with name calling and shouting at me. I was calm sitting on the sofa saying DH was lying and I didn’t say that and because I was calm I was told I’m being a silly school girl so then I flipped.

You all sound as bad as each other.

Him grabbing your hair was wrong
Your daughter getting involved & shouting in your face was wrong
You were wrong for punching the wall.

It sounds a horrible environment to be in. To be constantly told you’re wrong would make someone frustrated and angry, then the added ‘bonus’ of your daughter joining in, well I can see why you lost it. That doesn’t mean I see why you punched the wall. Heat of the moment can make people react in all sorts of ways, but doesn’t make it a healthy way to deal with arguments, no matter how frustrating they are.

I think you need a chat with your husband to try and sort this, neither of you come out very well. And your daughter needs to stop involving herself and making situations worse. Does she normally side with your DH?

Giving someone the silent treatment is also abusive.

May I also add he started saying sarcastically “it’s called parenting” and that he was a “connoisseur”. All I said was leave her to make her own food! He constantly thinks he knows best

Did your daughter mind her dad making suggestions about what she was making?

He could have left her to make what she wanted how she wanted, and you could have left her to tell her dad to mind his own business if she wanted to. Unfortunately it was your comments that began the argument. If you’re planning on staying in this relationship, just let them get on with it next time.

This

Yeah, there's nothing else to say other than just divorce.
You get one life, arguing with some man over nonsense does not serve anyone.

Just split up FFS.

Sounds like you dont like each other. I guess there are no small children to worry about, so why not split up?
If you do love each other still, you need family therapy and a complete reset in how you communicate.

So basically both you and DH were interfering!
Maybe both step back and give your child space and sort yourselves out, this sounds horrific for your child/children,

Why are you with this man? Why is d interfering?
I would be looking at divorce too, this is no way to life, grabbing your hair and shouting in your face is a line crossed in my book. You don't come back from that.

Op, am sorry that you all are going through this. I understand frustration though and it does indeed sound like they were not listening and actually unkind and your feelings are just as valid as theirs are. This became a much bigger thing than it should have and to be honest, your husband and daughter both have a part to play in you losing it and hitting the wall. Everyone knows thumping a wall is not great, you don't need to be told off over and over again for that here. I hope your hand is ok!

It sounds like you all do not communicate very well if this is the sort of thing that happens and it must contribute to the marital problems. When everyone is calmer, I would actually recommend sitting down with your husband and see if you guys can find a way forward, be it learning to talk more constructively and to listen to each other (and believe the other person when they insist they did not say what they thought they said!) and perhaps things will start to improve. Marriage guidance may be worth a try as they will have great tips on communication, or even looking up tips online if don't fancy talking to a stranger. Your daughter should not have anything to do with your marriage talks imo, esp if you feel ganged up against when she is around with your husband.

If you ever feel this frustrated and hounded again, I suggest grabbing your keys and go out the house and away from the cause of the frustration and when you come back, talk calmly. I don't want you to hurt yourself and also never allow your husband the opportunity again to pull your hair, he was out of order too. If things don't improve with effort from you both, then perhaps it's time to consider divorce as this isn't a fun life for any of you and you all deserve to be happy.

Edited to add after reading your latest posts:
Your hubby sounds like bloody hard work tbh and up to you if you want to keep going. Sorry OP.

Thank you 🙏

I'm not jumping on you OP, we are all human and get stressed and behave badly at times.
No one comes out of the scenario you have described looking good.
The entire situation was OTT and unnecessary.
If you wish to remain in the marriage and don't want your DC to leave the home, that's absolutely your perogative.
The thing that would have prevented any of this would be if you all had all minded your own business.
DH didn't need to interfere with DC's cooking.
You didn't need to interfere with his giving his opinion.
DC didn't need to interfere in your argument with DH.

Go down the 'let them' route.
If it doesn't affect you, don't get involved.

Have a conversation, admit your own faults, if they don't admit theirs, that's on them. Don't stress about it, don't insist on them doing so.

Clear the air and move on.
If that's what you want.

Yes I understand all of that. I fear DD will end up feeling like I have done after years of constant criticism that’s why I think I said it.