Huge Argument

[RedBird1779]

Hi all,
Been having a few marital problems for the last year. Feel like husband and I are constantly at loggerheads. Had a huge argument at the weekend with husband over what started about something very small. Adult daughter got involved after I felt I was being told I said something bad about my husband when in fact I didn’t say what they both were saying I said. Ended up being VERY frustrated after trying to make them realise I didn’t say anything of the sort. I ended up getting very upset after being “hounded” by both of them saying I’m a trouble maker etc. also ended up punching the wall. I had a total meltdown when they were calling me things and shouting in my face. Upon punching the wall husband then came over and grabbed my hair and shouted in my face to f*ing stop.
I then become even more distraught and told them to leave me alone.
It’s been 4 days now and husband has apologised via text saying he is sorry for the hair grabbing and it won’t happen again. I still haven’t spoken to him and I’m well and truly upset and confused.
I am really unsure what to think or make of the whole situation. Opinions welcome please. 🙏

Thank you 🙏 I feel I’m not being totally understood by some people’s responses on here and not sure why I bothered posting. But it’s your replies that help so thank you

Why is your DD getting involved in an argument between you and DH?

Sounds like you want to leave the marriage OP

an argument that escalates like that is not good. Regardless of who started it, who is right etc - when you have 2 adults screaming in your face it has gone too far and you need to remove yourself.

There is no point defending a position.

Hitting a wall is awful, grabbing you is awful.

You need to get out of that relationship.

Just leave.

I do not understand why you got involved between them in the first place.

I am ok thank you x

All I said was “stop going on at her just leave her to make it herself”

I fear DD will end up feeling like I have done after years of constant criticism that’s why I think I said it.

Your DH has been criticising and verbally abusing you and DD for years.
It is impossible and pointless to argue with him to prove yourself right - he doesn't want to hear it, he doesn't care about who is right or wrong, he just wants any excuse to have a go at you (and in his eyes he is never wrong).

It is too late for you to try and protect her. All you can do is end the marriage and get yourself out of the situation.

As @Busybeemumm said: Children (even adult ones) often take the side of the abusive parent as a way of protecting themselves. [...] It's not about what you said or didn't say about cooking. An abusive man can find the smallest most insignificant thing and make it into a reason to shout and swear at you.
Your daughter has picked on this growing up and now thinks its ok to treat you with with such contempt and disrespect.

Did I say it was?

So if you weren’t critical of your husband’s cooking, what did you actually say that they misinterpreted?

Daughters don’t often side with dads against mum, unless mum is unreasonable. I suspect there is a whole lot more background and you’re focusing on the hair pulling (which is completely wrong) and now posters who always blame the man have found the perfect excuse to paint you as the victim and him as the abuser.

Jesus wept. Some of the comments on here are so stupid. Anything to blame the victim.

OP, him grabbing and pulling your hair is utterly unacceptable. As is the verbal abuse inflicted on you by him and your daughter. I think you need to leave. This is no way to live.

Your punching the wall - honestly I get the level of frustration and just trying to be heard. But as you have seen, whatever you do, it's just going to be used as ammunition against you. The only way to win this game is not to play. Get out and stay out. Your DD may come around in time.

I had the same hunch.
This is really concerning OP. I think you're DH could have been mentally abusing you for years and groomed your DD to assist him with that abuse. It's now escalated to physical violence. You need to leave.

Daughters don't often stand by whilst their father pulls their mothers hair either. It wouldn't matter what my mum had done, there is no way I'd be siding with my dad if he pulled her hair. I'd be calling the police and having him removed.

Hi OP. I hope you are ok lovely.
I just wanted to come on here and say I get it I really do. I’m sorry you’re getting so much grief for punching the wall.
I’ve been where you are with my ex and my eldest son. And I know that you punching the wall was not you being violent it was because you had reached fight or flight mode and it was your bodies way of releasing stress and is triggered when a person feels under attack.
My ex used to film my ‘episodes’ of when he’d pushed and pushed me until I was a crying, shouting mess on the floor and threaten to ‘expose’ the videos .
Luckily my ex cheated on me and met somebody else and now I live in my own home and finally feel peace . My eldest came to stay a few weeks ago and he is very much like ex unfortunately and he was being rude to me, talking to me like a dog and telling me to ‘shut the fuck up’ (he used to tell me when I lived with ex to ‘fuck off as no one wants you here’. So I finally stood up to him and told him I won’t be disrespected in my own home and the person I was back then is the the person I am now and I told him to leave .
Im currently poorly in bed but I just wanted to give you my support and let you know that I completely get your response.
Sending big hugs xxxx

Thank you so much for the message. It has really helped after some of the abuse I’ve had on here.
Strange you should say about the filming. A couple of years ago he filmed my DD whilst she was having a melt down too! It is the same daughter I posted about.
Thank you again and I hope you feel better soon xx

You’re welcome lovely. I hope you are ok.
Having your hair pulled is painful and traumatic, my ex did that many times. And you have every right to be upset .
Just because you punched a wall doesn’t make you an abuser . Gosh at my breaking points which ex pushed me too I broke cups , hurt myself and screamed and cried manically like a crazy person. That’s what an abuser does, they turn it on you and make you look like the crazy one and make you question yourself .
The comments on here don’t help.
Sending big hugs xx

Thank you xx

I think this is at the heart of it all. It isn't about this one fight is it? It's about the very many times you have been spoken like this.

Have you thought about getting some help for yourself to help with your confidence and self-esteem. I suspect you have been worn down by his criticism.

Lots of pp are focusing on the wall punching, it is extreme and probably a reaction towards constantly being picked at and not listened to. Please focus on what you need here, your H sees it as acceptable to speak to you in this way and your daughter after years of watching this happen thinks so too.

This is not about wall punching, it is about you being pushed to your limits.

Can’t believe the downplaying of her husband pulling her hair, he assaulted her! Her punching a wall is nowhere near as bad ffs.

Completely agree, this is a sign of escalation. He may say he will never do it again, but there are no guarantees of that, and in fact it is likely things will get worse not better now.

I'm so sorry @RedBird1779 this is such a horrible thing to happen to you

Thank you 🙏

National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or find local services on the SafeLives website

just trying to understand - is it your h who avoided you of saying these things, or is it others too?

In a drama triangle, there's a persecutor, a victim, and a rescuer, and the people can switch roles at any time. You can't have a drama triangle if only two people get involved.

I still think you should get divorced. You will probably have a better relationship with DD afterwards. The child sometimes sides with the abuser because it's safer than siding with the victim.