Page 5 | Marriage ended this evening over WhatsApp

BGP · 2026-01-14T23:42:11+00:00

I don't think where to start. stbXDH literally ended my marriage via WhatsApp this evening. I was already getting my ducks in a row. He's an abusive bastard, my DC hate him. 16 fucking years together and binned on WhatsApp. What an insult. I need my anger. I am sad for me. Not because of him, but all the time and years I have wasted caring for a bloody man child who doesn't give a shit about me. Main reasons in his message- I let DC bake when he was hungry. I have not done much in last few weeks - valid reason being pneumonia. What a fucking cockwomble. I will never marry anyone again, 2 abusive controlling cunts is too many. Advice to everyone - don't marry a TWUNT. BIG GIRL PANTS will be back on from now on. BTW I'm an old timer here, new account. Even got myself a thread in Classics 😁

BerriesAlmonds · 10/02/2026 07:45

Seymour5 · 10/02/2026 07:06

He has. OP has stated he pays CM. OPs DC aren’t his, she pays for everything for them.

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I thought one wasn’t his and the other they share so that makes sense now! I’m not sure why she’s in debt though if she has a very good salary and her husband is financially contributing to the household.

Howwilliknow122 · 10/02/2026 07:52

NewUserName2244 · 10/02/2026 07:15

Have you considered that your statement might actually be the other way round?

Youve written that you need financial stability to leave. But is it possible that leaving will bring you more financial stability?

Living on your own you will have control over all of your costs and expenses. You’ll have more time because you aren’t looking after him. You’ll have more get-up-and-go because you aren’t being squashed by him. You can invest the time money and effort to pursue your career.

Be brave, leave even if the financials are tough, and trust yourself that you will be able to solve problems as they come up. Ultimately, if you own half of the house equity, you’ll be in a good place a year down the line once finances are sorted.

This is a good point. Did you speak to land registry as you said you would? Just wondering though if you arent on the deeds , I dont think you can just ask to go on. You said Live together, pretty much mortgage free. Are you on the mortgage if so how did it end up with the deeds not reflecting this? Is the mortgage over ?make sure you get advice about this too!!

livingthenotebook · 10/02/2026 07:56

If you lose your job you will be entitled to legal aid for the divorce. Speak to a solicitor. Find out about the house, is your name on the deeds/mortgage. If he has a high salary you would also be entitled to child maintenance from him. It's better to get out of the situation. It could take a sinister turn from what you have described.

Wallywobbles · 10/02/2026 07:58

Why don’t you write a to do list on here and we will all help
with accountability and help you with anything you might have forgotten.
How are you doing on writing a timeline and getting copies of paperwork. And seeing a lawyer.
Do you have your own car?
Really I’d say see a lawyer or 3. Don’t stick with the first one unless they are the one.
Do talk to the lawyer friend just to make bloody sure CW doesn’t. Because then you’ll really kick yourself. And do tell your mutual friends so you have to be accountable.
Tell your family. Share the photos discreetly. Change the external narrative.

confusedNC · 10/02/2026 08:02

BGP · 15/01/2026 03:06

I'm truly thankful for your message and trying hard not to cry.

This is not my fault. I know this. We were staying with friends at the time and everyone just wanted a quiet life and couldn't even remember what he had done. If. I ever mentioned anything he had done wrong after that or that incident i was told I am lying.

I have fist shaped bruises on pictures he doesn't know I have. I can't believe i let myself be this.

I am almost an expert in safeguarding (work) and domestic violence but oh my god this shit creeps up on you.

Ladies, never think you can change them. You can only control your own behaviour. Get out before you can't

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Make sure you get legal aid if you can in grounds of domestic abuse if you have pictures to prove it.

Also, if he let his teen get really drunk to the point of vomitting that's a major concern about his parenting for your shared child.

You will need a solicitor or direct access barrister I guess as an alternative but they eat through money. If he has enough to make it worthwhile or if you can get legal aid, you will get there.

What a dreadful man. Sending you strength and love.

Imdunfer · 10/02/2026 08:12

BGP · 10/02/2026 02:14

I'm now concerned about my job stability which fucks everything.

I can't afford a divorce without an income. I'm in limbo.

He knows I am and he knows he's not welcome but I make the dinner and wash his clothes and tell him to piss off when he tries to touch me.

I am not trying to find an excuse to stay. In the cold light of day I am unhappy, lacking energy and motivation. I'm probably not far off actual depression, but I'm not depressed yet. I need stability and a job, I can't leave without an income.

WTF do I do? Current plan is to wait it out and keep things calm, although I did lose my shit with him yesterday. Conveniently he forgot this morning. He is scrabbling, but somehow without any effort.........

I need some bloody money to have some freedom

What the fuck are you washing his clothes for?

I love my husband but he washes his own clothes and always has.

SpideyVerse · 10/02/2026 08:18

PineappleCoconut · 15/01/2026 12:10

Oh lovely,
I am so sorry, for everything you have been through with this piece of shit.

But I’d put aside everything and talk to your friend, professionally.
Even briefly.
Because if you do, he’d be unable to work for your exH too, due to conflict of interest.

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Yes, officially engage with your mutual lawyer friend-
Get in there first, even if it's just to block your stbxh from doing so!
You can still keep your cards close to your chest with them if you intend to ultimately proceed with someone else.

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 10/02/2026 08:27

Sunflowers67 · 15/01/2026 10:17

As a mum to two grown up men, I would have been horrified to have raised 'one of these men'. There seems to be so many of them about and I had one of them for nigh on twelve years. Oh, and the other disgusting little specimen of a man six years before that.
No wonder more and more women are choosing a single, fulfilled and independent life rather than risk hooking up with one of these cast offs - the wolf in sheep's clothing.

Temu should sell a permanent tattooing machine so as we can pop a small warning on their foreheads before we send them back into the dating world.

I am sorry that you are going through this and I wont offer any platitudes as it will be tough. But so are you.
Rightly so that you are angry and hurt at this moment - but it will pass, things will settle down - just ride the wave for now and keep posting and venting on here.
It helped me enormously. So did speaking to someone from a domestic abuse charity - they put me in touch with tons of support, guided me with solicitors and all the legal stuff - maybe give them a ring? It can be hard to acknowledge that you were a victim of domestic abuse - but it certainly sounds like you were.

I'm not quite at the stage of seeing it all for a good thing - it stings from time to time that he thought so little of me to treat me in that way, but I know I will be better in time. And you will be too.

Big hug.

Good news! We can get a tattoo machine off AliExpress for 12 quid. Maybe MN could crowdfund? (Link included to 12 quid tattoo gun, if anyone is having Girl with a Dragon Tattoo fantasies - in case link doesn’t post).
a.aliexpress.com/_EI97duk

EdithBond · 10/02/2026 08:47

Strongly advise you to speak to a domestic abuse agency for support to leave safely.

If this man has raped and punched you, you need to leave. You’ll be entitled to temporary accommodation from the council and possibly help with the deposit for a rented flat for you and the children. If you’re out of work and have savings less than £16k, you’ll be entitled to housing benefit to cover the rent.

I believe survivors of domestic abuse get legal aid for divorce.

Emptyandsad · 10/02/2026 09:09

He sounds like a shit and you are well out of it. You were already planning on leaving, so don't waste your energy on resenting the manner of his detachment. Just celebrate that you're going to be free of him and put all your energy into making your life joyful. Keep your focus on the happiness ahead and leave him behind like the dust from your shoes

LazyStupidandGodless · 10/02/2026 09:24

BGP · 10/02/2026 02:14

I'm now concerned about my job stability which fucks everything.

I can't afford a divorce without an income. I'm in limbo.

He knows I am and he knows he's not welcome but I make the dinner and wash his clothes and tell him to piss off when he tries to touch me.

I am not trying to find an excuse to stay. In the cold light of day I am unhappy, lacking energy and motivation. I'm probably not far off actual depression, but I'm not depressed yet. I need stability and a job, I can't leave without an income.

WTF do I do? Current plan is to wait it out and keep things calm, although I did lose my shit with him yesterday. Conveniently he forgot this morning. He is scrabbling, but somehow without any effort.........

I need some bloody money to have some freedom

I'm so sorry OP - keep your chin up, what you're going through atm is horrendous but you will find a way. You are an incredible woman and we're all behind you. Sending you big, huge hugs!

Gloopsy · 10/02/2026 10:29

I make the dinner and wash his clothes

Sorry - you do WHAT?????

More fool you.

Stop this for the love of sanity

ERthree · 10/02/2026 10:37

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 15/01/2026 02:11

Oh OP. I have been where you are. I am so sorry, especially about the rape.

It's over. This is a wonderful thing.

In the end it won't matter who ended it, or why or how. The important thing is that it's done, and today is the start of the rest of your life. A happy, fulfilling life without him in it.

Absolutely spot on.

MsCellophane26 · 10/02/2026 11:42

You're married so you have a claim on the house, so you need to work out if you can borrow against that, to get out asap.

If you end up staying till the house is sold, stop doing his laundry and making his meals. Seperate rooms, seperate lives, you're giving him mixed messages by acting as his housekeeper.

Mediation is a good start, to help him to accept that it's over, and to show the court that you were reasonable and atrempted to resolve things amicably. If you do come up with an agreement of a split in mediatiin, get it reviewed by a solicitor who specialises in divorce.

Re feeling that you're slipping into depression, you should see your doctor now, don't wait until you're under. Having a diagnosis of depression may make it more difficult for your employer to let you go, so share it with work.

Tell your kids you're splitting up and that you're going to be under financial pressure until the house is sold, ask them how they can contribute, whether by maxing out their student loans, college support for students in crisis, part-time jobs etc.

You'll get through it.

confusedNC · 10/02/2026 12:52

Just to add, you do not have to mediate into he same room or at all where there has been domestic abuse if I remember correctly.

You need some really good advice on this.

Safety first though. Are you in any danger from his behaviour if you end it openly? This is a time when abusive men escalate.

Beaniebobbins · 10/02/2026 21:55

Gloopsy · 10/02/2026 10:29

I make the dinner and wash his clothes

Sorry - you do WHAT?????

More fool you.

Stop this for the love of sanity

Because sometimes it is easier to wash clothes and make dinner than have to put with their shite for not washing clothes or cooking dinner. And if you are washing or cooking for yourself doing it for two is not really much more effort. Because it demonstrates that she is not unreasonable or antagonistic. But you can escape OP and then he can wash his own pants, there will be a way out..

AnonAnonmystery · 11/02/2026 12:36

Beaniebobbins · 10/02/2026 21:55

Because sometimes it is easier to wash clothes and make dinner than have to put with their shite for not washing clothes or cooking dinner. And if you are washing or cooking for yourself doing it for two is not really much more effort. Because it demonstrates that she is not unreasonable or antagonistic. But you can escape OP and then he can wash his own pants, there will be a way out..

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I had to do exactly this to keep the peace. @BGP don’t be disheartened.

Greenlandss · 11/02/2026 16:56

OP, also never forget if you have told your GP about the rape, there will be notes.
Tell them if you haven't already so there is a record of his abuse of you, tell it all.

After the divorce is finalised and you have space, you may then well choose to make a report of his rape of you.

Play the long game.
Do whatever you have to, to get away safely.

Woodfiresareamazing · 08/03/2026 03:08

BGP · 10/02/2026 02:14

I'm now concerned about my job stability which fucks everything.

I can't afford a divorce without an income. I'm in limbo.

He knows I am and he knows he's not welcome but I make the dinner and wash his clothes and tell him to piss off when he tries to touch me.

I am not trying to find an excuse to stay. In the cold light of day I am unhappy, lacking energy and motivation. I'm probably not far off actual depression, but I'm not depressed yet. I need stability and a job, I can't leave without an income.

WTF do I do? Current plan is to wait it out and keep things calm, although I did lose my shit with him yesterday. Conveniently he forgot this morning. He is scrabbling, but somehow without any effort.........

I need some bloody money to have some freedom

How are you doing OP? 💐