Marriage ended this evening over WhatsApp

[BGP]

I don't think where to start. stbXDH literally ended my marriage via WhatsApp this evening.

I was already getting my ducks in a row. He's an abusive bastard, my DC hate him.

16 fucking years together and binned on WhatsApp. What an insult. I need my anger.

I am sad for me. Not because of him, but all the time and years I have wasted caring for a bloody man child who doesn't give a shit about me.

Main reasons in his message- I let DC bake when he was hungry.

I have not done much in last few weeks - valid reason being pneumonia.

What a fucking cockwomble. I will never marry anyone again, 2 abusive controlling cunts is too many.

Advice to everyone - don't marry a TWUNT.

BIG GIRL PANTS will be back on from now on.

BTW I'm an old timer here, new account. Even got myself a thread in Classics 😁

In a way thus might work out well op. Because if abusers think leaving is their decision, they are more likely to leave you in peace. At least until they realise you are happy they are gone.

Worth noting thus 'I'm leaving' shtoomp may simply be a ploy to get you to fall back in line though. Chances are he isn't going anywhere. Unless he's lined up a new victim.

Yes this.... just speak to your mutual lawyer friend first. To prevent your STB ExDH using them. Even if it's just for a referral to another solicitor.

Righty-o

I had to step away for a bit to process my thoughts.

My thoughts are becoming clearer with every day that passes. I am not happy in this situation and I never ever will be.

My path forward is clear-ish. I need some bloody money, financial advice and to avoid everyone like the bloody plague until I have it.

Not physically possible. There is an event which I must attend, no details in case Outing.

I am going to deserve an Oscar at the end of the next month or two.

I will catch up with all the messages I have missed when feeling BIG.

Thanks people xxx

Omg where do I begin with the events of the week??

I am definitely done. Every day, every moment confirms everything.

My WhatsApp chat to myself is a constant reminder of WHY. He started this whole process and then acts like it never happened.

IT HAPPENED.

I've been sitting pretty waiting for a miracle, for prince charming to arrive. For change. Realisation. Contemplation. Apology. Remorse.

Guess what I will get?

Dirty laundry and a shopping list, and told to shut up should I dare to have an opinion.....(Women! Know your limits!)

I'm not giving up any more of my life.

Or my time. Or myself - not to him anymore.

If family need me, here I am. Friends, yup.

I will not be here in 5 years wondering why I let him carry on being a bastard to me.

If anyone is in the same position. Be brave. I'm going to be brave and I am going to leave my whole miserable life behind.

I'm having myself a shiny new life instead. BIG GIRL PANTS

He is going nowhere.

Begged for marriage counselling and promptly forgot

Good for you !

Mine dumped me when we were away in a skiing holiday - so in a different country, the day after my friend left and I had been in the hospital with concussion and an orbital fracture (and a massive black eye)

he then left me to look after the toddler while he went out skiing.

he wouldn’t let me tell everyone and refused to leave the house even after I’d bought him out

good luck - it will be the right thing in the end x

How’s it going? Are you going to move out of he doesn’t? How are the children doing?

And what’s the situation now? @ninja

That was a long time ago - I stood up to him more in the end and threatened to call the police if he got into bed with me (I’d been sleeping on the floor in the house I owned and decided enough was enough)

kids were little and there was many more years of him being a dick when it came to contact - but never regretted the decision (although I do still get stress dreams about him)

You mean to say you’re still with him?

Edit- sorry o misunderstood. You left him. Well done!!

Yes - he’d threatened to leave many times before this and I’d said I’ll try harder (not that I was doing anything wrong). But this time I’d seen it was having an effect on the kids and enough was enough.

happily single for 15 years :)

Good on you

Do you know what, the fact I don't matter is the worst part.

I do fucking matter. And my DC are watching me tell them one thing and put up with another. My marriage has damaged my kids and it's too late now, that ship has sailed. Whatever I choose, whatever I do will not undo what has been done already.

I can't believe it's taken all this time to see things as they really are.

If anyone else is another me, don't wait. Don't brush your feelings aside. Don't allow anyone to make you not matter.

What happens going forward is going to test me to the limits, rip apart my world. My family, my friendships, everything I know will be unknown.

If I do nothing I will just be 10 years older ten years from now, wishing I had done something about it.

It’s wonderful to read this fighting talk @BGP but are you actually doing anything to make the leap? Have you seen a solicitor? Presumably you’re still living together and the atmosphere must be utterly horrific?

Just to offer a thought. I had all the same feelings as you about blowing apart everyone’s lives but that…is simply not what happened.

There was one upset child the night we told them, and that was sort of it. Now we are here in our own little
house, and that was also drama free. No tears. No crisis. It’s a happy little home.

Dont get frozen by the fear, just do the things that need done in the day that you are in. Then it begins to gather momentum and take care of itself.

I'm now concerned about my job stability which fucks everything.

I can't afford a divorce without an income. I'm in limbo.

He knows I am and he knows he's not welcome but I make the dinner and wash his clothes and tell him to piss off when he tries to touch me.

I am not trying to find an excuse to stay. In the cold light of day I am unhappy, lacking energy and motivation. I'm probably not far off actual depression, but I'm not depressed yet. I need stability and a job, I can't leave without an income.

WTF do I do? Current plan is to wait it out and keep things calm, although I did lose my shit with him yesterday. Conveniently he forgot this morning. He is scrabbling, but somehow without any effort.........

I need some bloody money to have some freedom

Depends how far you got with your ducks...what did the lawyer say? Women's aid/police advice? Have you tracked down evidence of his income/savings? This is collateral you borrow against to get out of there.

I know it feels impossible but living with a violent rapist is eroding your soul. Surely a while in a flat or hostel is better?

When will you find out about your job?
Could you start applying for other jobs?

Unless you are unsafe there is no rush to leave, keep taking small steps so you are ready to leave when the time comes.

Are you taking time for yourself?
Practicing self,-care?
Building up a network? Seeing friends?
Have you spoken to a solicitor? Do you have your paperwork together?

Having no money & no job sounds frightening but might be better than sticking it out in this abusive marriage.

please contact a domestic violence charity & just try & leave. Once the weight of that man is gone you will find your courage & strength to make things 1000 times better

Why hasn’t he been contributing towards his children all these years? The childcare and university? I would’ve broken up with DP if he didn’t contribute towards nursery fees.

If you can’t afford to give your children money for university then that’s fine. They’re adults and can work part time or they can ask dad. Please don’t put yourself in debt to look after other adults. Get all you can get in the divorce!

I’m so sorry one of your ducks is messing about! Is there anyway you can money out of him? Can you stop paying bills?

Have you sought support from Women’s Aid yet? They may be able to advise.

He has. OP has stated he pays CM. OPs DC aren’t his, she pays for everything for them.

Because they aren’t his kids.

Have you considered that your statement might actually be the other way round?

Youve written that you need financial stability to leave. But is it possible that leaving will bring you more financial stability?

Living on your own you will have control over all of your costs and expenses. You’ll have more time because you aren’t looking after him. You’ll have more get-up-and-go because you aren’t being squashed by him. You can invest the time money and effort to pursue your career.

Be brave, leave even if the financials are tough, and trust yourself that you will be able to solve problems as they come up. Ultimately, if you own half of the house equity, you’ll be in a good place a year down the line once finances are sorted.