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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage ended this evening over WhatsApp

119 replies

BGP · 14/01/2026 23:42

I don't think where to start. stbXDH literally ended my marriage via WhatsApp this evening.

I was already getting my ducks in a row. He's an abusive bastard, my DC hate him.

16 fucking years together and binned on WhatsApp. What an insult. I need my anger.

I am sad for me. Not because of him, but all the time and years I have wasted caring for a bloody man child who doesn't give a shit about me.

Main reasons in his message- I let DC bake when he was hungry.

I have not done much in last few weeks - valid reason being pneumonia.

What a fucking cockwomble. I will never marry anyone again, 2 abusive controlling cunts is too many.

Advice to everyone - don't marry a TWUNT.

BIG GIRL PANTS will be back on from now on.

BTW I'm an old timer here, new account. Even got myself a thread in Classics 😁

OP posts:
Onekidnoclue · 15/01/2026 10:01

Good luck OP. There are lots of people out here rooting for you. X

rainbowstardrops · 15/01/2026 10:11

He sounds like an utter prick but he has done you the biggest favour! Wipe the floor with him!

Original poster
BGP · 15/01/2026 10:15

AlexaAdventuress · 15/01/2026 06:35

I just want to underscore somethign @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice said above. The wonderful sense of relief that can happen when you break away from a bad relationship. Whole new vistas of life can open up. A renewed sense of autonomy, dignity and possibility. Some years ago I escaped from a particularly unpleasant controllng relationship. I had got a bank loan to put down a deposit on a small (rented) flat. On getting myself and my possessions in there, I had an almost overwhelming sense of relief. I still remember the first shower I took in the tiny bathroom (no bath, just a shower cubicle) - it was like a baptism for entering a new life. I could do what I wanted from now on. Nobody to complain or have a tantrum if I went out; I could sleep when I wanted because no one would complain that I was neglecting him; from then on I could grow my hair as long as I wanted without him directing me towards the style he approved of; I could eat what i fancied when i wanted. Just being able to have control over myself and my time again - the sense of a burden being lifted was palpable.

This is exactly what I want and need.

Guilt free autonomy.

OP posts:
Sunflowers67 · 15/01/2026 10:17

As a mum to two grown up men, I would have been horrified to have raised 'one of these men'. There seems to be so many of them about and I had one of them for nigh on twelve years. Oh, and the other disgusting little specimen of a man six years before that.
No wonder more and more women are choosing a single, fulfilled and independent life rather than risk hooking up with one of these cast offs - the wolf in sheep's clothing.

Temu should sell a permanent tattooing machine so as we can pop a small warning on their foreheads before we send them back into the dating world.

I am sorry that you are going through this and I wont offer any platitudes as it will be tough. But so are you.
Rightly so that you are angry and hurt at this moment - but it will pass, things will settle down - just ride the wave for now and keep posting and venting on here.
It helped me enormously. So did speaking to someone from a domestic abuse charity - they put me in touch with tons of support, guided me with solicitors and all the legal stuff - maybe give them a ring? It can be hard to acknowledge that you were a victim of domestic abuse - but it certainly sounds like you were.

I'm not quite at the stage of seeing it all for a good thing - it stings from time to time that he thought so little of me to treat me in that way, but I know I will be better in time. And you will be too.

Big hug.

Original poster
BGP · 15/01/2026 10:18

susey · 15/01/2026 06:25

Legal Aid has been abolished for many things but not for cases of recorded domestic violence.

You say you called the police recently, what happened and was he charged?

I agree with the advice above about going to the police and Women's Aid about the historic physical violence. It should make a difference to the options available to you.

https://checklegalaid.service.gov.uk/children-families-relationships/problems-after-relationship-ends

It is on record with the police.

No charges brought but a good thing to have on record.

He can't have any sort of criminal record as he would lose his job which would impact finances and by association, me.

OP posts:
madaboutpurple · 15/01/2026 10:22

Do you have access to his money.? I remember reading on here a woman syphoned off enough money to be able to get her own place and then divorced her DH.

Nosdacariad · 15/01/2026 10:33

BGP · 15/01/2026 00:25

What the fuck is up with them? You wouldn't even dream of sacking an employee that way. Spineless.

Mine finished his rant with a request for mediation to save money and then demanded I turn the TV down.

Guess what dickhead.... your days of demanding anything are done.

I can't afford to pay rent to leave so I'm staying put for as long as I can bear.

He was arrested recently when I yelled for DC to call police. He won't dare try anything, he could lose a lot more than some money if he did. I plan on just ignoring him and getting on with life, but realistically I don't know how long that will be possible.

All my friends are his too. I can't talk to a soul apart from my boss and sister.

I need to see a solicitor, just after bloody xmas with all bills to pay and swimming in debt while StBXH sat on ££££.

Infuriating

He whatsapped you while in the HOUSE??

Lastgig · 15/01/2026 10:39

So just to clarify OP @BGP you work and have a DC at Uni, the bastard has a child you brought up?

The wanker historically raped you and is a drunkard?
You share a house which is nearly paid off? This is joint property. Doesnt matter what the con merchant tried to do with the deads it a least 50% yours. Ditto a pension proportion after a twenty year marriage.
The questjon is can you buy or mortgage a suitable property for you and your DC out of your half? A £50k salary will pay your bills if you have no mortgage (I'm in the south ).
Get a good solicitor, there's one in Cheltenham with the inital B. My friends have used her.
I'd tell the police he raped you. Would you want that to happen to his third wife? These men think a fat wallet gives them the right to abuse women. Give me a poor honest man any day.

Nevereatcardboard · 15/01/2026 10:45

BGP · 15/01/2026 10:18

It is on record with the police.

No charges brought but a good thing to have on record.

He can't have any sort of criminal record as he would lose his job which would impact finances and by association, me.

Show quote history

I would consider this as a bargaining tool, if necessary. Any financial loss will bother him less than being judged harshly by his colleagues and friends for committing DV.. Even if he’s not been charged, his acquaintances can all view the photos!

leeds5 · 15/01/2026 10:45

I cheer you and Hope you overcome,

And what is wrong with being a Tory and from a well off family? It is not a crime and I am sure he was this when you married him lol just a side note, i know you are going off but it made me giggle and stop.

Just to add: I know some of us feel close to our bosses but I always avoid keeping personal life away from work.

I learned the hard way.

DramaAlpaca · 15/01/2026 10:45

OP, you're an amazing, strong woman. I am in awe.

Onwards now, with your new life. You'll be just fine Flowers

WildLeader · 15/01/2026 11:01

I got an ultimatum

behave (as in do what you’re told) or I’ll leave

@BGP mate… take the opportunity whenever and however you get it!

I didn’t blink, I took him at his words and said he needed to leave then

best decision EVER!

once he’s gone, I PROMISE YOU, you’ll see how much you needed this to happen.

your kids will bloom in days! You will be happy again.

this is GOOD NEWS!

PuppyKeep · 15/01/2026 11:44

Keep your anger. He will change his mind and hoover you back if he can

WHY do they do this??

OP, don't allow yourself to be hoovered - keep your dignity. Don't let him play you (and your DC) as a game.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/01/2026 12:02

Operafanatic · 15/01/2026 05:34

Three kids of 21, 19 and 17 at the time. Married for 22 years. I was 54 and he was 60. We lived together but rather than talk he announced that he was leaving me for a 36 year old over email. He wanted to “set out his position” in writing without interruption, debate or argument. How pathetic. I was shaken but accepted it. 8 months later, his girlfriend dumped him (she contacted me to apologise and said she had not realised AT ALL what a manchild he was and she now felt like his mother) and he begged me to call off our divorce. Happily divorced for almost two years now. Enjoying having a new bf but will never marry again or share living/finances. Most men of my generation (55+) do not carry their share of the mental or practical load - I should have left 15 years ago.

Edited

I have to admit I would possibly do this too ( email) or a printed letter and go out , partly because I think my H would grab me and start throwing stuff etc and as your H said I would want to get all my points out without interruption . No way at all is nice or seems ok if it’s unwanted by one party - I’m glad things working out for you - I agree about most men of our generation - many can’t take criticism easily or an alternative view either in my opinion , I suggested something to my H ( 61) yesterday that made practical and financial sense and he looked at me like I had 3 heads - it’s demoralising

AnneOmelas · 15/01/2026 12:02

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. Awful.

PineappleCoconut · 15/01/2026 12:10

BGP · 15/01/2026 03:10

@99bottlesofkombucha i am sorely tempted because I know i will get the best advice. And it will be for free no matter how much I argued. But this person is a close family friend and if that was me in my job I would have to refuse as a conflict of interest

Oh lovely,
I am so sorry, for everything you have been through with this piece of shit.

But I’d put aside everything and talk to your friend, professionally.
Even briefly.
Because if you do, he’d be unable to work for your exH too, due to conflict of interest.

Pinkladyapplepie · 15/01/2026 12:53

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/01/2026 03:02

Op why can’t you consult your mutual lawyer friend? Your divorce won’t be a secret and you want the best advice. Do you not trust this friend to act in your interests even though he’d be professionally obligated?

I once picked a random solicitor to ask advice from, within a minute of me talking he stated he couldn't deal with me as he once worked for the same company as exh. Solicitor thoex was a know but still couldn't deal with me. I guess they have to be impartial?

AlexaAdventuress · 15/01/2026 14:06

BGP · 15/01/2026 10:15

This is exactly what I want and need.

Guilt free autonomy.

Show quote history

You're very kind @BGP You've just got to hold your nose for a little while longer and then freedom will be yours!

AlexaAdventuress · 15/01/2026 14:10

Pinkladyapplepie · 15/01/2026 12:53

I once picked a random solicitor to ask advice from, within a minute of me talking he stated he couldn't deal with me as he once worked for the same company as exh. Solicitor thoex was a know but still couldn't deal with me. I guess they have to be impartial?

Show quote history

Yes, everything's very strict where that sort of thing is concerned. Someone I knew a few years ago got struck off for something similar.

Original poster
BGP · 15/01/2026 16:16

PuppyKeep · 15/01/2026 11:44

Keep your anger. He will change his mind and hoover you back if he can

WHY do they do this??

OP, don't allow yourself to be hoovered - keep your dignity. Don't let him play you (and your DC) as a game.

He already started following me around trying to get in my bed this morning and following me round trying to hug me.

Just said shame you didn't try being nice years ago.

Told him kids hate him and when he suggested marriage guidance......well i think that ship has sailed

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 15/01/2026 16:28

Marriage can be good, bad and indifferent, as can relationships. But, I don’t understand anyone ending things ty text, message, email etc. Just yuck. 😖

aWeeCornishPastie · 15/01/2026 16:34

Stay strong OP you got this. Just ended a relationship with an abusive prick aswell

unsync · 15/01/2026 17:09

If he's abusive, you don't need to go to mediation. You may also get Legal Aid as you've had police involvement. It's a long marriage, so 50:50 will be the starting point for asset division. That includes pensions, savings and equity.

I know you said never again, but it's worth speaking to your local Women's Aid to see if you can get on the Freedom Programme or whether they run a similar program. I found it very healing and it helped me move on. I intend on remaining single too.

Sillygrudge · 16/01/2026 14:13

How’s it going @BGP

You are having to live together? How’s that going on daily basis?

Nearly50omg · 16/01/2026 14:25

Speak to the police and women’s aid. He’s abusive and it’s never too late to press charges - it will also help with getting him out of your house! If he has £££ in savings HE can move out and find a flat on his own and pay for his own stuff! Police and women’s will also help with everything