Husband seems to have started disliking my son

[Mummyof3and3furbabies]

so not really sure why I’m posting, guess I’m looking for advice and or clarity. I have 3 children, my son is 12, and I met my husband when he was 5, we now have two more daughters that are 21 months and 4 months.
when we first got to together he had a great relationship with my son, but that has deteriorated over the past couple of years.
I feel that he has too high of an expectation of my son and forgets that he is a child, he is very bright, and well behaved, I never have any issues with him, other than him being a (what I would consider) typical boy and not listening at times! but my husband seems to find fault with everything, as a result 12 yo gives him a lot of attitude back.
I spoke to 12 year old today, he’s quite an easy going kid. But definitely is sensitive, I asked him if he was happy or had any issues with my husband and he said the only thing is he feel like my husband doesn’t like him anymore and that he is always “looking for a fight to tell him off”
husband feels I do not have his back on a lot of things, but to be honest I just don’t agree with him, which I do say, I feel that my son is good boy, is so loving and helpful, never gets into trouble and is excellent at school and sports, so I can’t understand why my husband has a go at him all the time. Particularly for when he does things that my husband does! Like not pick up his washing or clean up after himself
my husband and I have a pretty good relationship I feel other than this - but ultimately my son and is happiness come first always and I’m not really sure how to address this with husband,
thanks in advance for reading

What are your husbands complaints about him?

I've observed many men struggling with male step children as they approach adolescence. Definitely a 'cuckoo in the nest' syndrome even if theyre not cognisant of such.

Yep. I would advise a very serious chat with him about getting off your son's back because if it came down to it you'd not choose the husband.

Agree with this.

Have you told your husband how your son feels?

Interesting comment that YOU have noticed that your husband seems to find fault with everything -now imagine being your 12 year old and having your step dad finding fault with everything you do.

Ask husband why he's being so critical and harsh on son, especially when son is puberty age and needs a strong male influence right now? Is it because he's just had girl babies and is turning against the son for some weird psychological reason? Sometimes when you have babies it makes you think your older children are MUCH older and should be more independent etc

Just tell him your son is really hurt that his relationship with dad is changing and he needs to fix it and be kinder? Surely anyone would listen to that and reflect.

If he doesn't reflect or is totally defensive then he's a twat and you need to either row/seriously discuss it, family therapy etc

Sad situation. Can you give any examples ??

A 12 year old boy needs to feel happy and secure. He didn't choose to have a step dad, and the step dad needs to grow up and leave the poor boy alone if he can't be nice. This is exactly why I stayed single. I saw so many kids have an awful time with step parents. How would your partner like a fully grown man nit picking at his daughters?

Agree

Since he had his own children then?

Agree

This happened to one of my closest friends - he husband was great with her son when they met, her little one was 3. But after they married and had 3 more children, the stepfather was not interested in her oldest child & saw him as an inconvenience. Ultimately, she left him as she felt that she had to put her son first.

If I were you I'd give your husband one chance to turn things around - make it very clear that he needs to lay off the criticism and arguing with your son and make a real effort to forge a better relationship with him and show your son that he cares about him. Point out to him that your child will always come first and it's not even a close competition. If he can't do this, I would leave. Your child needs to know that you will protect him.

Yep. The young buck is growing up and threatening the dominance of the stag.

I would ask your husband to back off any complaints or discipline of your son, and let you do it. If he's left his washing on the floor, husband can tell you and you can tell son.

Yep. My thoughts exactly. Add in the arrival of his own biological children. Ticking time bomb.

@Mummyof3and3furbabiesthis will not get better in its own. A strong conversation with your DH and a commitment to family therapy is probably the best course of action.

He is the adult in the situation and he must take responsibility for this. If he can’t or won’t, he will be forcing you to make a choice. I would be making this very clear to him.

I would make it very clear to DH that he needs to reset his relationship with DS. That if it doesn’t improve, you will choose DS.

Thanks everyone for your comments, everything I was thinking really. I also had an interesting conversation with husbands sister today about it, didn’t go into too much as obviously it’s his sister. But she did say that actually their mum was like this with him when he was growing up. And that he does have a “victim mentality” at times.
like @Squirrelchops1 said I do think maybe an element of cuckoo in the nest.

I am going to have serious conversation with hubby tonight. I am going to suggest a “reset” of the relationship, and like someone suggested for me to do any discipline. They have lots in common so it’s not like they don’t have any similar interests to bond over. It’s a shame as over all I do feel he is a good step dad/ dad/ husband but definitely can’t go on like this for my son

a couple of examples I gave to SIL were when we had received a text from school that he had missed a piece of homework and had until the following day to complete before lunchtime detention, this was one time in the 3 months of being at secondary school. Husband had actually text me from work going off on one about it, I think I soften the blow as said he was being well over the top, considering usually my son gets his homework done with no prompting, I said to SIL I can’t believe how good he is with it, I never did homework! 😂

Other example was last night son knocked over husbands drink (milkshake) husband had a go at him and sent him to his room and said “I can never have anything nice” …. Hubby had left drink on the floor….

Wow, both those examples are utterly ridiculous!
Late homework or anything school related doesn't impact your husband at all so he should just leave all of that to you - no need for him to even get emails if he is going to overreact like that.
As for the milkshake - I'd have intervened at the time and stood up for your son, and pointed out it was entirely your husband's fault.

Oh yes I did!

Yep serious conversation needed with dh, be very clear and direct. He will likely get defensive, don’t let that put you off saying what needs to be said. And from now on make sure your ds knows you have his back. In the milkshake situation you should have told dh immediately (in front of ds) that drinks on the floor are asking to be knocked over.

Oh yes I absolutely called him out. I should have added, he then gets annoyed I do not have his back

OP you need to get on top of this very quickly as this will affect your son’s confidence at a very vulnerable age. Your husband is bullying your son & it has to stop. Let your son know you have his back as the other “adult” in the house clearly doesn’t. This can leadto anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills which can all last into adulthood,

I'd be giving an ultimatum that he gets 1:1 counselling to understand why he acts like this, with someone focused on step parenting in a blended, family situation AND that he attends family counselling with you and DS all together so he can listen to how DS feels (and you as the one in the middle). It can help you all preapre for the teenage years which can be rocky enough for bio families with no steps-parents and step-kids!. This will probably have to be sourced privately and funded through 'family money'. I'd be presenting it as an investment in the continuation of the family unit, because otherwise that could well end if DH's behaviour worsens.

If he doesn't see there is a problem to solve that requires counselling, and beleives he is in the right, there is your answer and a choice has to be made.

This could really impact on DS's happiness, confidence and overall mental health and ultimately will affect your relationship with DS as well, if he sees you as choosing to stay with a step-Dad who dislikes him and shows it.

…he feels like my husband doesn’t like him anymore and that he is always “looking for a fight to tell him off”.

@Mummyof3and3furbabies, my heart goes out to your poor son who is being bullied in his own home by your H. It is disturbing to think of his constantly walking on eggshells and feeling anxiety and dread when his abuser is around. How sad and humiliated he must feel that the step-father who used to show him love has withdrawn that affection/kindness and now treats him with contempt.

H’s damaging rejection and mistreatment will have far-reaching ramifications in your son’s life and mental health. Your daughters will also be adversely affected by your H’s favoritism of them and unfair targeting of their brother. His demanding that you back up his bullying is abusive and coercive. The dynamics at play here are highly destructive for you and your children.

I would be going nuclear, @Mummyof3and3furbabies. It sounds like he has been picking on and finding fault with your boy for years. I would not allow it for one more minute. Take control and kick this asshole out.

This happened with my ex and my eldest son and afraid to say it only got worse. I did leave my ex (had 2 DC with him also) but I wish i’d have done it as soon as I noticed the decline in the relationship and knew in my heart of hearts it was all on my ex. It would have saved a lot of pain in the future. 15yrs on, I still think about it a lot even though everyone else has moved on. My ex claimed he would be just as hard on his own son, and whilst he may have been quite strict with his bio son when he was also a teen, he had that underlying love and resolved things quickly, but that didn’t happen with my son.