Husband seems to have started disliking my son

[Mummyof3and3furbabies]

so not really sure why I’m posting, guess I’m looking for advice and or clarity. I have 3 children, my son is 12, and I met my husband when he was 5, we now have two more daughters that are 21 months and 4 months.
when we first got to together he had a great relationship with my son, but that has deteriorated over the past couple of years.
I feel that he has too high of an expectation of my son and forgets that he is a child, he is very bright, and well behaved, I never have any issues with him, other than him being a (what I would consider) typical boy and not listening at times! but my husband seems to find fault with everything, as a result 12 yo gives him a lot of attitude back.
I spoke to 12 year old today, he’s quite an easy going kid. But definitely is sensitive, I asked him if he was happy or had any issues with my husband and he said the only thing is he feel like my husband doesn’t like him anymore and that he is always “looking for a fight to tell him off”
husband feels I do not have his back on a lot of things, but to be honest I just don’t agree with him, which I do say, I feel that my son is good boy, is so loving and helpful, never gets into trouble and is excellent at school and sports, so I can’t understand why my husband has a go at him all the time. Particularly for when he does things that my husband does! Like not pick up his washing or clean up after himself
my husband and I have a pretty good relationship I feel other than this - but ultimately my son and is happiness come first always and I’m not really sure how to address this with husband,
thanks in advance for reading

I’d get him removed from any school communication, reset his relationship with your son to a stepdad not Dad.
Tell him all discipline is to be handled by you and their relationship should just be the fun stuff.

Not suggesting your husband is remotely like my stepdad but I was acutely aware that I wasn't the same as the child he shared with my mum. He really didn't like me despite the fact I was a good kid, quiet and well behaved. My fault was that I wasn't his. He ignored me from when I was 7 years old until I left at 17.

All I'm trying to say is that you need to keep a close eye on this. I have major anxiety and self esteem issues because of how much of a burden I felt I was for my entire childhood.

My mum divorced him when I turned 19.
Too late for me.

And because of my experience, I would NEVER live with another adult until my children were no longer dependent on me at the very least. It's so damaging.

Only read OP and didn't need to read all of it to see what the obvious issue is.

Now he has his shiny new actual children he can't be bothered with your one.

This is daft advice.

It's good that you are challenging your Husband over this so it isn't both of you 'against' your son. This has potential to be hugely damaging.

I will pick up on this: "Particularly for when he does things that my husband does! Like not pick up his washing or clean up after himself"

Both of them should be cleaning up after themselves! Don't let either of them get away with that.

You need to get on top of your husband bullying your son in his own home like yesterday and set him back hard.

You son has picked up behaviours from your husband like leaving his clothes around and not picking up after himself. and your husband, with his double standards, uses that to pick at him and have a go at him.

Your husband is not being a good father to your son, he's being an asshole and your son is going to suffer a lot of damage if your husband doesn't change his tune immediately.

What adult has a milkshake on the floor with kids including a toddler around? Is he trying to set your kid up? The floor is not the place for food. Sheesh.

Not only would I not have his back, I would rip him a new one for the bullying of a child. He's making your home an unsafe place for your son.

I agree with a reset that removes him from being the disciplinarian. He seems to have confused that with bully.

Where is his dad in this?

…my husband seems to find fault with everything … my husband has a go at him all the time.

@Mummyof3and3furbabies, he despises your child and sees him as an intruder. Your jumping to DS’s defense all the time is not the solution. This brute needs to be gone. His very presence must be so stressful to your son, who never knows when he will pounce, criticize, belittle and punish him. It’s like an abused animal never knowing when it will be kicked.

You asked DS if he has ‘any issues’ with H but you already knew that he must. He will feel traumatized inside, but may be hesitant to divulge just how much as he won’t want to cause you worry or feel responsible for a separation. Please reassure him that it is your decision to make changes and that H is responsible for his own abusive behavior and its consequences, none of which are DS’s fault.

Being bullied is traumatic at any age, especially so for children in their own home by a parent/step-parent. There is no escape unless the other parent puts the children first and splits from the aggressor. Your son is suffering in an unsafe home and will continue to if you don’t take definitive action to remove this cruel man from his orbit.

My brother had this with our stepdad growing up he wasn’t as bad with me tbh. My brother grew up introverted and a shell of his former self to the point where he has completely disconnected from the rest of us siblings (parents both dead) which is so sad. Please don’t let this happen to your son.

Definitely remove your DH from school communications. There is no need for him to receive it.

Well done for noticing this OP. I hope you're able to nip it in the bud

This is so common. Your DH is now resenting your child because he is approaching adolescence. Poor kid. I hope you choose to protect your son OP.

So what? Tell him that he’s right…you don’t “have his back”. Not when it comes to his mistreatment of your own son.

Do you realise that your DH knows what he is doing and is essentially telling you to pick a side?

I agree with everything PP have posted and would worry that the milkshake on the floor was deliberately setting someone up to fail. And as per the ‘I can never have anything nice’ comment, your DH is acting like a sulky teen himself.

Totally agree. The non biological male relatives in the house - step father and step son- will continue to respond in this manner to each other. It is on the step father to rise about his instincts here. But he is unlikely to because he will continually unconsciously compare the older son to his biological babies and the son will always be found wanting. Very very damaging for this boy.

I hope you learn from this op. You’ve noticed It, now I hope you act upon it

I’m sorry op but the reality is no amount of perfectly worded stern chats are going to change the fact that your DH isn’t able to treat and see your son as the 12 year old boy he is who needs love and guidance from him. The milkshake example is awful. If my dds knock a milkshake on the floor, my only reaction is that it doesn’t matter, they just have to clean it up. I’m sure that is how he would be if it were his own children who did the milkshake, even if they were 12. And that’s not fair. Even if he can fake it, it’s not fair. He doesn’t have the ability to be a step parent. And that’s no judgement, I wouldn’t either. Some can love and guide as if the sdc was their own, and if you can’t, you shouldn’t be blending families as it isn’t fair on the children.

The homework is ridiculous. Take him off the mailing list. Hes 12 and will probs have a few more missed homework tasks. At the end of the day its your son losing his lunch break not your husband. And the drink is his own sheer stupidity. Hes lucky one of the little ones didnt fall on it or something.

There is no way I would have any of my children bullied in their own home, which is exactly what is happening here. This man is supposed to have your back, yet he treats your son appallingly and this will affect your son mentally for a long time. I can’t imagine how the poor kid feels going home every day and knowing when he opens the front door there is someone waiting to be mean to him at every given opportunity. I know people jump to say LTB on here but genuinely that is exactly what I would do. I know many people have suggested a conversation’ with your DH to sort this out. There is no fucking way your son should be living with a grown man who needs to be told to treat him respectfully and kindly. Fuck that, your husband is a nasty pos.

Agree, I have seen this too. It can calm down when they get older.

It could be resentment of another man’s child now he has his own children. Does your son take any resources away from the younger kids? Like does he have his own room while the other children will have to share? That kind of thing.

I am male and this was my relationship with my bio dad . I was the oldest of three with two younger sisters like your son. I think age gap is a thing he was in his 40,s when I was 18.

Me and dad bucked against each other from about 12 he proper loved me but we were just two very different people and still are. I moved out far earlier than mum ever wanted me too.

I am 50 now and dad’s just called round in his late 70’s to put up some shelves with me.!

I can understand step parenting can be even more difficult but from experience Bio Son and Dad relationships can be just as complicated.

But the huge difference is ‘he proper loved me.’ Parents love their kids unconditionally. There is always going to be some falling out with teenagers, but at the end of the day, it’s always from the foundation of a parent loving and wanting the best for their child. Remove that foundation, and it’s a different thing altogether.

Op hasn’t said the Dad doesn’t love the lad. He sounds pretty much like my dad was with me and he did just didn’t know how to show it.

I can only imagine when it’s not Bio it’s harder but I don’t believe that you have to be Bio to love them . Seen lots of bad Bio dads and good step dads & VV.

Oh god. I wrote a post yesterday and it had something like this within it (a lot more going off as well) this is exactly what happened to me. I have posted a few times asking whether my OH has been unfair to my son and I have been told that I shouldn’t have had children with him and called a bad Mum etc, although some people agreed with my OH that my son is disrespectful so I think it’s important that you catch this now while you’re 100% sure that your son is behaving appropriately because it’ll get muddled down the line when he’s a teenage and his behaviour isn’t as good. The problem is they had a good relationship to begin with so how could you and I have known this would happen? My son was 5 when I met my partner and everything was fine until he turned 12/13. I think it’s when they realise they are going to become a man. My son was into weightlifting from about that age and I think it was a realisation that a man would be living in the house with him. I could be wrong but I have daughter who went through her teenage years with no problems with my OH. It got worse and worse and now my son doesn’t really stay at home and I despise my partner and myself a bit. The problem is that as your son gets older he will act like teenagers do and then you will find it even harder because it hard to know who is right and who is wrong when you’re dealing with teenage issues as well. You really need to nip this in the bud, would your husband consider therapy? Examples for you in case you’ve had any similar gripes from your husband, he was angry when my son ate anything that my partner wanted to eat even if it had been in the freezer for a month, angry when he was messy even though my partner is messy, angry when my son wanted to make food late at night (10.30pm - usually cereal) I tried and tried to come to compromises and ask what he wanted me to do regarding rules to set but really he didn’t want to solve the problem, he just didn’t want him there. The last time my son came home for a few nights I said to my OH that he was coming and he said ‘well it’ll have to be alright won’t it?’ Later son boiled some eggs and the windows were steamed up because he hadn’t put the extractor fan on (which I have asked him to do a million times but hardly the crime of the century) and OH was so cross, said he couldn’t cohabit with him etc. he really wanted me to kick him out without saying it. It’s given me real anxiety typing that out, I walked on eggshells while my son was here and my partner has made my life miserable. I refused to ask my son to leave but I know he stays with his GF because he felt unwelcome and I hate myself for that. I don’t want that for you. I have a billion examples by the way, I’ve kept them to the simple ones in case you can relate.

@Starlightspritewhy haven’t you separated from your partner?