Husband seems to have started disliking my son

[Mummyof3and3furbabies]

so not really sure why I’m posting, guess I’m looking for advice and or clarity. I have 3 children, my son is 12, and I met my husband when he was 5, we now have two more daughters that are 21 months and 4 months.
when we first got to together he had a great relationship with my son, but that has deteriorated over the past couple of years.
I feel that he has too high of an expectation of my son and forgets that he is a child, he is very bright, and well behaved, I never have any issues with him, other than him being a (what I would consider) typical boy and not listening at times! but my husband seems to find fault with everything, as a result 12 yo gives him a lot of attitude back.
I spoke to 12 year old today, he’s quite an easy going kid. But definitely is sensitive, I asked him if he was happy or had any issues with my husband and he said the only thing is he feel like my husband doesn’t like him anymore and that he is always “looking for a fight to tell him off”
husband feels I do not have his back on a lot of things, but to be honest I just don’t agree with him, which I do say, I feel that my son is good boy, is so loving and helpful, never gets into trouble and is excellent at school and sports, so I can’t understand why my husband has a go at him all the time. Particularly for when he does things that my husband does! Like not pick up his washing or clean up after himself
my husband and I have a pretty good relationship I feel other than this - but ultimately my son and is happiness come first always and I’m not really sure how to address this with husband,
thanks in advance for reading

Thought I would update again for people to see if following as I’ve had quite a lot of replies! I have read them all and want to say thank you to everyone for your experiences/ take on things. It’s obviously difficult with only a small amount of information.
I actually had a very good conversation with husband last night. I started by pinpointing the breakdown in their relationship (probably pregnancy with our first daughter) and highlighted all the stresses we have had since then (which is ALOT - we had IVF for our first daughter, I had sepsis and almost died 22 weeks pregnant, and more recent stresses of a very happy surprise of second daughter and we have just bought our first home and moved etc so there is a lot just for background info! ) I then went on to say that I am not happy with the way he treats him is too hard on him etc. husband was upset that I feel this was and that he has acted in a way that makes me and most likely our son feel he doesnt like him. We had long discussion about the “not having his back” thing, and that maybe he is overcompensating for this by being very harsh because he feels we are not a team.
also discussed his upbringing and how his parents were (who is he very close with now) but they were definitely harsh on him growing up for sure. But I addressed this by saying how did it make him feel etc…
he was raised by step dad and has nothing to do with bio dad, and admires step dad for being his dad, and wants to be the same role model for my son
anyway long story short, I said things need to change and he recognised this, and we agreed to work more as a team, and have agreed I will “have his back” if I feel reasonable to do so - more in regards to giving attitude etc, but to also stop the situation I feel husband is being unreasonable with a code word. He said he does miss his relationship with my son and they do have lots in common, so is also going to make more effort with this. Discussed how we are his parents and it is our responsibility to ensure he is happy, and to remember he is the child and although very sensible and grown up, he is only 12
I have suggested therapy before for other reasons but he’s not been keen on this. But this will be next step if nothing improves. ultimately he knows son is first. And time will tell But I have also been a single mum and do not want to have to share custody of daughters.

for peoples questions about his bio dad, he still does see him every other weekend, which son is quite happy with and they get on well more so now he’s a bit older but bio dad has always been useless and I think is quite happy being the fun parent every other weekend, not ideal but it works for us and son is happy with this and has not effected him emotionally

"I will “have his back” if I feel reasonable to do so - more in regards to giving attitude etc, but to also stop the situation I feel husband is being unreasonable with a code word."

This is likely where this agreement will fail. He's in a power struggle with your son for your attention, that where all that "have his back" guff comes from. He wants you to prioritise what he wants, so every time you stand up for your son either outright or with a code word, it will create tension in him, which will inevitably be passed onto you. Until he recognises without ifs or buts that he will and must come second to your son, there will be no peace in your house and your son will remain aware that he is unwelcome.

If he really wants to do better, he should seek therapy for himself, to understand why he is competing with a 12 year old for his wife's solidarity.

His admired father figure is a harsh authoritarian step parent. Oh boy. And he's recreating that in your family.

We had long discussion about the “not having his back” thing, and that maybe he is overcompensating for this by being very harsh because he feels we are not a team.

He's putting this back on you. If only you would support his harsh and severe parenting, he wouldn't overcompensate by being harsh and nasty to your son. Tell him his over compensation is alienating your son and pushing you away. He's changed his parenting style towards your son since you had kids with him to bullying him. That's completely unacceptable.

I think you're doing compromising that you shouldn't be doing here out of fear of being a single parent again. I think your husband really does need therapy to examine his parenting and work on better communication skills. And your 12 year old son needs to know someone has his back when he's being bullied.

Your son is 12 and he knows what's up. Don't be surprised if he starts spending more time at friends' houses or his dad's. That would be him disengaging from you unless your home becomes a safe spacle for him again.

I hope your husband can make the necessary changes and maintain them before he alienates your son completely.

Has your son been taught household skills like cleaning and laundry and light cooking? If not, please do so.

Husband would be kind to my son or the marriage would be over.

Honestly, you should not be giving him the chance for things not to improve. It’s all good saying ‘this is what will happen if things don’t improve’ - you need to think of the damage to your son in the meantime.

Like I said earlier, a good man doesn’t need to be told to be nice to a child. Any change in behaviour will be temporary to appease you then it will escalate and you will go round in circles whilst your son suffers more and more, and your daughters too.

What if you told your dh that counselling was non negotiable and for the benefit of your whole family? Would he still refuse?

My worry is is that your dh will play nice for a few months but then orchestrate a situation where he can ‘prove’ your ds is in the wrong and obviously you have to back your dh up.

If your dh was serious about wanting things to be better and wanting a closer relationship with your ds then he would be researching counsellors himself. Despite your long reply (and I appreciate you want to see the positives in it) all you are really left with is a very vague wait and see situation with no proper boundaries.

So yet again it’s ALL about your husband - a grown adult - who wants you to back him up while he carries on bullying you child?! Seriously when are you going to take your child’s side?!!! I’d tell your “d” h he goes to counselling or that’s it and also he needs to move out for a while so your son can be honest with you about what’s really going on and how he feels without your h around

Your poor son. That’s all I can say really.

@Mummyof3and3furbabies It's a male territorial thing. Your son is growing up and now represents another serious male presence in the domain. One that is not biologically connected to your husband. He is taking your attention/love/energy away from your husband and is therefore a threat, a cuckoo in the nest, and must be ousted - or at least shown who's boss. This is very common with men. Protect your poor son OP.

Thank you for your comment, great for your perspective in this,

Wow I have a partner who is stepdad to my 12 year old and no way would I be happy with that.

Your partner sounds like a pathetic man. He’s trying to assert ‘dominance’ over a 12 year old child.

I don’t think your chat will result in much. You’ve put your DP at the centre of the resolution - you’ll back him up - what??

Sorry but I don’t see where your son is coming first. DP should want to repair his relationship with DS. He obviously just wants to play the victim - which you acknowledged but have chosen to ignore.

Having been the (female) SC in this situation, please get it resolved asap. If you even can, that is

Without meaning to be totally morbid, what happens to your eldest of you die?

My mum died when I was 10 and literally my first thought was “What now? He doesn’t even like me”.

When I remarried my youngest DS was 7 almost 8. I told my DH before we married if he was ever unfair or over harsh to my DS if I had to choose I'd pick my DS because he needed me. DH has always been great with ds and now DS is an adult they still get on well and occasionally go for a curry together or a film at cinema they know I wouldn't like. I think you need to have that conversation with DH that you have noticed he is very harsh and unfair to DS and you won't tolerate it. Tell him DS is going to be in your life forever. If he wants to be he had better stop picking on your DS. It sounds like he's done nothing wrong and your DH is just a bully.

Sorry, I see his bio dad is still in the picture, so that’s a positive, assuming he’d take custody of him.

I have been in a similar situation. There is a lot of vying for alpha male territory at this age. Your dh should know better really. It will be hard for him to tolerate teenage attitude and laziness from a child that isn’t his. But I’m certain that bio dads and their sons go through this sort of thing too.

It feels like it's about dominance given DH mentions you "having his back" or do you think he might be jealous of your DS?

At 12, your DS is going to get much more challenging as he gets towards his teenage years naturally. You need to keep a close eye on the situation. It is understandably a big adjustment for your DS, he was just with you and now you are a family of 5.

My DS had a friend in the same situation and I always felt sorry for him as his stepdad wasn't particularly kind to him. The friend had several younger half sisters who he was always really good with as he was such a lovely lad. He always said he wanted to move out as soon as he could, which I always thought was sad.

He always said he wanted to move out as soon as he could, which I always thought was sad.

I think that's the point of the bullying in these situations, to get the wife's kids from ex to be so miserable they move out so the stepdad doesn't have to deal with them in his home.

It is sad. I saw it with a couple neighbors I grew up with. Stepdad bullies them, they're unhappy and move out to whoever will have them, other parent or relative or friend's family. That's why I suggested OP make sure he can do light housework and cooking on his own. It makes him a more attractive long stay guest if he can fend for himself.

It leaves a permanent impact too. If your husband don't consider counseling, you might want some for your son.

Just commenting after reading through these posts and got a bit of a chill as to how common this apparently is. Men feeling threatened when the boy in their household turns into a Man and...threatens their status in the household/ego?

The psychology is really interesting. It's something I haven't heard much about - I suppose there's a lot of guilt and shame from all sides of the family so it's rarely spoken about and people suffer in silence.

So you agreed to have his back more and he’s agreed to try back off when YOU use a code word? All the effort is coming from you here he’s manipulated you into accomadating him while he can use the excuse he’s trying…. And for that matter it’s your fault you didn’t use the code word.

id have that conversation again. You are responsible for disapline of your son as the only acceptable option

@Starlightsprite I am so sorry you have given up at least five years of your life for this pathetic thing you live with. Since you've not been able to get him out yourself have you thought about getting legal help? You get one life. It's too long to sound it being abused and controlled in your own home. Today is the day you can do this. Post in legal. Get a solicitor. But do something.

@Mummyof3and3furbabies you're prioritising and listening to your husband still too much.

Sadly a familiar tale for me. It happened a bit older for us- DS was 9 when we got together and about 14 when the real problems started between him & ex DP. Same old story- very close at first, he was a great step dad. We ended up splitting up because of it (DS at 16 was on the verge of leaving home as soon as he turned 18.) It was extremely heart breaking as we have a younger DD together. During the split ex DP was very nasty and petty towards DS who was still a kid.