Husband seems to have started disliking my son

[Mummyof3and3furbabies]

so not really sure why I’m posting, guess I’m looking for advice and or clarity. I have 3 children, my son is 12, and I met my husband when he was 5, we now have two more daughters that are 21 months and 4 months.
when we first got to together he had a great relationship with my son, but that has deteriorated over the past couple of years.
I feel that he has too high of an expectation of my son and forgets that he is a child, he is very bright, and well behaved, I never have any issues with him, other than him being a (what I would consider) typical boy and not listening at times! but my husband seems to find fault with everything, as a result 12 yo gives him a lot of attitude back.
I spoke to 12 year old today, he’s quite an easy going kid. But definitely is sensitive, I asked him if he was happy or had any issues with my husband and he said the only thing is he feel like my husband doesn’t like him anymore and that he is always “looking for a fight to tell him off”
husband feels I do not have his back on a lot of things, but to be honest I just don’t agree with him, which I do say, I feel that my son is good boy, is so loving and helpful, never gets into trouble and is excellent at school and sports, so I can’t understand why my husband has a go at him all the time. Particularly for when he does things that my husband does! Like not pick up his washing or clean up after himself
my husband and I have a pretty good relationship I feel other than this - but ultimately my son and is happiness come first always and I’m not really sure how to address this with husband,
thanks in advance for reading

I’ve just seen the ‘I can never have anything nice.’ spilt drink update. Recurring theme in our house, victim mentality which his sister mentioned, usually siblings wouldn’t see this so for her to mention that is alarming. Also, no one should be leaving a drink somewhere that it can be knocked over with three kids in the house. My OH (ex - maybe? Hopefully) spills things all the time! And I model how to behave saying ‘not to worry, accidents happen.’ And then I launch into a speech about how this is how he should act when someone spills something as I’m cleaning it up (hilarious considering it’s never my drink and never me that spilt it) and he sits there saying sort of nodding in agreement and then as soon as someone spills something he’s mad that they’ve left the lid off or been playing. Be careful OP, I think he might be a dangerous man and you’re only just seeing it. Mine took a while to show his true colours and I can see some similarities!

OP when you speak to your DH remind him that his daughters will see your DS as their brother. They will not differentiate on basis of different dads. They will, when they are old enough to see the unfair treatment, hold this against their dad. Does your son have contact with his biological father? If so, you’re at risk that he picks up and goes there full time. Maybe that’s what your DH is aiming for. It’s a horrible situation but good you are aware and not ignoring it.

If his victim mentality links back to his childhood I would strong suggest that he goes to a therapist. Your child will be impacted by his behaviour so if he is unwilling to change or get therapy I would seriously consider walking. As many have said it is bullying and controlling behaviour.

I have tried. It is my house and he has nowhere else to go. It is very difficult to believe but it is hard to get rid of someone that lives in your house especially when you have children together. You can legally do it but the police don’t come when they’re banging on your door saying they have nowhere to sleep and disturbing the children and the dog unless they’re violent. I have been trying to get rid of him for 5 years and haven’t managed it. He has psychologically tortured me tbh to the point where I have been confused and wished I would cease to exist. This didn’t all happen overnight, it was sly and insidious. I had raised a teenage girl with no problems between their relationship so it didn’t make sense to me. I thought that because my son was difficult and did some very selfish and destructive things that maybe I had been too soft. When I asked for advice a lot of people said that my son should be asked to leave so it was confusing to me about right and wrong. Ultimately I believe I have been systematically emotionally abused but yes, I should have gotten rid of him before now.

Your poor son. He’s a child being bullied in his own home by a man who isn’t his dad.

You are minimising and excusing the abusive behaviour here, probably because you think it’s normal. Having your Dad ask you to put up shelves now isn’t an example of a good outcome. Abusive men cause absolute trauma. This boy deserves far better, and FWIW, so did you.

Oh my goodness @Starlightsprite, I am so sad for you reading that. I’m sending virtual strength for you and hoping you can get a resolution soon. 🤗

Its horrible how often this happens, they play daddy at first then show their true colours once they have children of their own with the woman and then they seem to want to drive away the woman's other children.
You see it in other species, you'd hope humans would be a bit more evolved but apparently not.

You need to tell him his mistreatment of your son is unacceptable and stops now. And you have to mean it.

You need to tell your husband that your son is upset and thinks he doesn’t like him anymore. This is presumably making him feel on edge in his own home. Your husband’s reaction to that will tell you what to do next. A decent man would worry and take steps to discuss things and make changes to improve the relationship. An awful man would get defensive and blame your son and not make any attempt to modify his behaviour. If he is the latter, you need to end this marriage and put your son first. I do understand that is complicated by the fact that you have two daughters with him, but they should not grow up thinking your husband’s behaviour is acceptable and your poor son deserves better than this.

The only point was trying to make was it’s not always about the bio non bio with dads.

certainly didn’t want to minimise anything. me and my dad have missed out on so much. Took the late arrival of my own sons for us to be what I’d hoped we could be which is very sad.

Hopefully having seen how not to do it I may have a chance of being a better dad.

Thank you.

This mightn't be because he's a stepson. My sister's husband became very hard on their son at around this age. I think his own dad was quite hard on him when he approached adolescence and he was just repeating history. My own dad took a tougher approach with my brother at this age too.
It might be more about the general father/son dynamic and little to do with the fact your son isn't biologically his.

Exactly! I am ashamed of my weakness but I do know that had it been like that from the beginning I wouldn’t have had children and gotten so tangled up with him, thank you for recognising that for OP as she and her son are victims here. She want to know this would happen. I am scared for OP, I think with such young children she will want to fight for the relationship and she sounds strong now and she sticks up for her son (as did I) and she’ll probably do the ‘talking to him’ and he’ll likely say he will try (as did mine) because he knows there’s a chance if a split and they’ll say anything and then before you know it you’re 6 months down the line and it happens again and life is even busier and even messier and it’s even harder to split. I think money has a huge part to play in this as well, hardly anyone can afford to walk away from a home and set up alone anymore. I feel so very sad for her and I hope she really has a think about whether this is all her partner is guilty of. I do think it’s emotional abuse to pit your partner against your children as he (and mine) has done and it’s not easy because it’s embarrassing to talk about and you end up very confused as to what is right and wrong and whether you’re too soft and whether you want another child from a ‘broken’ home. It’s psychological torture. Meanwhile the men are probably walking around giving it zero thought.

That makes it even harder! I’ve often thought that my OH may well have been the same with his own son when he turns that age so it makes it even more confusing! And I bet if she typed out some of the things he gets on at the step son for some people would say ‘he does right, kids need discipline.’ Which makes it harder again. I’m not criticising you btw, just pointing out that not everything is as cut and dry as some people seem to think things are and it makes it harder to know what’s right and what to do.

His whole 'you do not have my back' thing is part of it - as your ds grows he is territorial about your allegiance.

He needs to know that first and foremost you will have your ds's back where he is unjustly under pressure.

You will have HIS back when his own children need firm and fair guidance as you parent as a team. But having his back certainly does not mean allowing your ds to be picked on for being a pre-teen boy.

Maybe ask if his Mum ever had his back?

The situation really needs to be addressed and Dp must start treating him fairly but I think it's important for Op to bear in mind that it might have nothing to do with the fact he's not his bio son. It is very possible that her Dp thinks this is the correct way to raise a young lad as that's all he knows himself.

This is how my husband behaves with my daughter, who is his bio daughter, I have to add. She is 7 now and is very aware of how differently he treats me and her, and how my treatment of her is different to his. I have addressed this directly with thim quite a few times, as it worries me, as it can and will affect her self esteem and it is making me see him in a different light. Following to see what advice you are given. My take? he is jealous. Not a pretty sight.

Thanks for being honest!

So their relationship started to deteriorate when he had children of his own? Does your son ever go to his dads? If yes, is your huband different when it is just "his family"?

"husband had a go at him and sent him to his room and said “I can never have anything nice”"

God, that really brought me back to my own stepfather. Completely selfish prick, and SOOOOOOO self-pitying. They got together when I was 18. I tried hard not to despise him and bent over backwards to be nice to him so I could keep seeing my mother, but he was such an unpleasant person, also to my mother, who he looked down on. His endless self-pity - which was triggered by anyone not paying avid breathless attention to him - was simply ludicrous.

After my mother died, he made a really shitty comment about her to me and I cut him off. Thank god I NEVER EVER have to see him again!

Has your husband actually never spilled anything by accident? What a remarkable man. Tell him I said so.

And if he ever does, remember to send him to his room.

As a mother of a 12 year old boy (also very good and very sensitive!) I am heartbroken for your son. He must feel so alone given that his siblings are your husbands kids and he’s just getting singled out and picked on.
This is going to end really badly in a few years when your son is older if you don’t sort it out now. Major discussion/row needed and an ultimatum. I know that must sound drastic and terrifying but you must put your son first here. He must be feeling so crap. Poor kid. You cannot let this go on.

I agree with this, which is why I suggested that the OP needs to tell her husband how this is making her son feel and make her decisions based on how he reacts to that.

Though either way, she cannot allow this to continue as it is so damaging to her son and in time will be the same for her daughters if this turns out to be his parenting style.

Did you explain to him that this wasn't about 'having his back'? It is common sense that putting a drink on the floor as opposed to a table will mean a far higher likelihood of the drink getting knocked over. Accidents do happen.

A boyfriend of my daughter when she was 14to 16 had an awful step dad. Sadly his bio dad died when he was about 6. The stepdad owned a company and employed the lads mum. Had a lovely house and top range cars each but the lad could not even have 50p to get the bus to attend his college course. He spent so much time with my family (single parent 4 kids youngest was 2 at the time.) I ended up dealing with his college to get bus pass, fed him etc even took him on holidays. He had a step brother who was thoroughly spoilt. His Mum came round to.have a moan to me once about the lad, I put her well and truly straight, stated she was putting the fancy house and car before her son, she could not leave fast enough. Moving on a few years I came across step brother who told me his parents were now divorced, his dad was being a real arse with his mum and she was renting in a very undesirable town and on benefits. I hope she made up with her oldest son. This is one example that influences my thoughts on protecting the child at all costs.