Really bad anxiety when me and my husband sleep in the same bed - would you be honest?

[Biosblbay]

So my husband snores very badly, which then disturbs my sleep, he also occasionally goes on his phone at night which irritates me if I can hear what he watches and then the light of his phone keeps me awake (I am a VERY light sleeper). I do not cope well when I haven’t had much sleep at all, it makes my anxiety worse, causes panic attacks and just a miserable person if I haven’t had a good night sleep. I have two young children as well (ages 3 and a baby 6 months old) so sleep is very important at the minute. He also fidgets an awful lot and can occasionally make me really hot. When he sleeps separately in our spare bedroom I end up having a a much better sleep and so do not get any anxiety of the constant worry of how my sleep is going to be. Of course I occasionally get woken up by my baby but I can deal with that, but when it’s my husband I want to just kick him out and tell him to get out. But here is an example, I know he will be sleeping in our bed tonight as he told me he wants to sleep with me (we have slept separately for the past week so I think he misses me) and I totally get that, but it makes my anxiety quite bad because I just know I’m not going to get a good night sleep as he is going to keep me awake. He never used to snore, but since gaining approx 5 stone I believe this is what is causing his snoring to be so bad. He also smokes and is a mouth breather so it’s double whammy!

Do you think a married couple sleeping separately is bad and can it kill a relationship? I really want to explain to him how it’s affecting me and that I fear going to bed with him. I feel awful and just have no idea how to address this. I don’t want him to feel like I am intentionally pushing him away. I haven’t been 100% honest with him and how I feel and not sure if I should or not as I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I'd have to set ground rules. No phones. I'd get him to go to the gp for the snoring. It's obviously weight related but let it be the gp that tells him not you.

I think lack of intimacy can kill a relationship. Sleeping in separate beds doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s no intimacy, but I imagine there’s a correlation. Is there any compromise that can be reached? A bigger bed? Him using air pods so you can’t hear his phone etc.

I think sleeping in separate beds is something that will absolutely kill a relationship, yes

Are they not you husband’s children too? Very odd to describe them specifically as “yours”.

Many, many couples sleep separately with young children. It doesn’t mean marriages are broken as long as you maintain intimacy at other times (not just sex but other touch and time together). But you need to explain it to him.

I feel your pain, after three kids and years of broken sleep I can’t handle a DH who also wakes me up. Snoring, or prodding me if I snore, alarm going off 3/4 times before getting up early (2hours before me). Either falls asleep on sofa then comes into bed in middle of night and wakes me or is snoring loudly in bed before I get there! Can’t win.
I sleep with youngest now and I don’t know where I’ll go when he gets bigger!

I don’t think my DH tries
to make it any better for me so quite frankly don’t care what it does to marriage as long as I get sleep.

Me and husband have seperate bedrooms. It started with his sleep apnea but since he got his cpap I still sleep in my own room. Sleep is king.

If your husband has sleep apnea and it does sound like he does from what you've described. He needs to go to a sleep clinic and get it sorted before he damages his heart.

Don't worry about upsetting him. He's being selfish forcing himself on you like that. He needs a few home truths.

I personally couldn't bear a night away from my husband. We have slept together almost every night for the last 20 years. I find the sound of his mild snoring really soothing, the presence beside me, his warmth. We both leave our phones downstairs overnight as a rule.

If it's as much a problem as you say, you must speak to him about it., he may be upset that you don't want him next to you but your sanity is more important at the moment. Explain exactly how it affects you and there are steps that can be taken to improve this so maybe you can return to sleeping together at a later date. Have you ever had counselling for your anxiety, that could really help. On a physical level, your husband is overweight, I found my husbands snoring was significantly reduced when he lost weight. If it's a congestion issue maybe prescribed decongestants could help.

It doesn't.

When we first moved in, lack of sleep was slowly killing me, snoring and then the dog coming in. I talked to him and we got the dog back into her crate for bedtime which she was super cosy in and I started wearing ear plugs omg life saver! Talk to him and tell him the phone thing disturbs you. Can he try an extra pillow to lift his head?

Have you thought of getting a snoozeband? DH has one and it has really helped his disrupted sleeping. When stressed at work he sleeps lightly and wakes a lot. He then gets anxious that he will wake me and can’t get back to sleep because his mind is whirring and all the time he’s thinking that he has to get up in x hours. He often would go off to another room halfway through the night but we missed waking up together.

With the snoozeband you’re sort of cocooned in your own world as it acts like a sort of eye mask but you can pair your phone to it and play podcasts or whatever into your ears by tapping on the front if you need to turn it on. DH goes back to sleep really quickly now and he doesn’t disturb me at all.

It’s worth looking into so the surrounding noise and light doesn’t bother you but you can still be together…

In my observed opinion it does. Couples might not split up , and it might be necessary for survival when sleep deprivation is intolerable, but it kills intimacy and trust stone dead.

I think it's one of the main reasons having kids can destroy a relationship tbh

Rubbish.

Why do you think that @Pavementworrier what have you observed?

I could have written this myself.
Firstly snoring your head off all night isn’t normal, he probably has sleep apnea. My husband was the same and after speaking to his GP and
getting referred to a
clinic he was given a sleep apnea machine.. It’s a game changer, no more snoring.
I am also a light sleeper and have had to put some rules
in place around sleeping.
I’ve said to my husband, no going to bed unless you plan on going to sleep within the hour. After that, no tv or phones.
If we are on different schedules.. Say one of us doesn’t need to set an alarm or if we’re wanting to go to sleep hours apart then I’ll sleep in the spare room.

No it doesn't. Intimacy doesn't come from sleeping in the same bed. I know couples in separate houses and are quite happy with the arrangement. They get all the good bits without the dirty socks.

Your partner not letting you sleep might kill intimacy though.

Maybe you could suggest something rather than just saying the OP should just basically suck it up

That the couples who no longer share a bed no longer have physical intimacy and are practical room mates stopping some children from dying rather than lovers

I think op needs to know the reality of being separate

I can understand if it's a price worth paying obviously

@Pavementworrieris on a few threads tonight stirring shit.

Happily married for 28 years, separate beds for 21 of those years due to DH snoring. I couldn’t sleep if I shared a room with him now, I too would feel anxious.

It's not a reality.

I think that couples who continue to try to sleep in the same bed when one of them doesn't care whether they're keeping the other person awake, that's also something that kills intimacy.
Your husband needs to stop using his phone and needs to see his GP about his sleep. If he gets referred, one of the things they will talk to him about is his sleep "hygiene" i.e. no screens for at least an hour before bed.
If he cared about you, he'd care enough to make sure you get enough sleep....

I really think it is for most scenarios. Don't get me wrong if medical situations or something required it I am sure with will it could be survived but I think choosing to sleep in a different room is an obstacle to being a proper partnership.

My DH snores like a freight train. I’m a very light sleeper and suffer from insomnia. We’ve been married for 18 years and have not slept in the same room for about the last 7 years. I think it still makes him a little sad sometimes but my sleep and mental health is much too precious for his ego. We are a close couple in all other ways.
With a small baby your sleep is a priority over all things. Tell him to do something about his snoring but until then you need to sleep alone. You can still have all the cuddles and stuff just sleep separately.

Set the rules..
Yes, you can sleep in with me but our phones are to be left in another room .. and you are to see a doctor about your snoring.

Wear ear plugs until he has a mini cpap machine.

Don't call it anxiety, think about how to make your room nice for ongoing sustainable good nights of sleep.
Your DH should see the need for you to have sound sleep.

Both of you need to get better sleep. Snoring and scrolling on his phone is hampering his sleep too.

I think couples who keep each other awake half the night get on a lot worse than couple who sleep well and separately! You haven't been honest with him? Why on earth not? You must. Hopefully he will be mortified when he realises how you're being impacted.