Are there any decent men?

[Southpaw67]

I don't come on here often but every time I do there's always loads of threads about women being cheated on by their husband or partner. I realise people won't really be on here if they have a good relationship but it's so depressing and very very sad that so many men cheat and lie to their partners. Just be nice to hear of men who don't lie, cheat, use porn etc, etc, surely some exist?!!

I had an awful marriage. But it taught me much. I am not dating, not looking for anyone to enter a relationship with. My ex’s friends were also awful men. However, I work a job and have a circle of people in my life where I meet nice men, and it gives me hope. (Unfortunately all the nice ones are in relationships) I’m not a misandrist, I just am a lot more picky and specific in who I want to date. The right person hasn’t appeared yet. I hope he will though.

I'm sure there must be some decent ones around,but I'm damned if I've ever found them! Even if they appear to be decent initially,I can more or less guarantee that something unpleasant will inevitably rear it's head.

No. There are no decent men left anywhere in the world. The last one was shot and killed by a hunter in 1986 and his stuffed carcass is on display at the Natural History Museum as part of an Extinct Species exhibit.

I'm 67 - lived all over in a variety of jobs and social groups - and I've not once met a woman who hates men.

Mate, it's all in your head.

Mine is lovely. My late Dad too.
And a niece of mine has recently met someone who is genuinely decent.
Sadly not the case for some of my close friends (we're all 45-60), several of whom are in the process of divorcing some absolute bastards.

I don’t think so as long as it isn’t affecting intimacy. We all have autonomy over our own bodies and trying to police it is absurd.

I have the best husband. He is in every way a better person than me. We have been married forever and I rely on him so much.
I think there is real hatred on MN for men. I am constantly shocked by how a light hearted thread about a man throwing away a used tin turns into real nastiness against men in general. In my wide circle of friends, I don’t know anyone divorced. I know people at work who are divorced but there aren’t many. I don’t hear the real nastiness you get towards men on MN.
I taught secondary and so many adolescent boys are just lovely. They are kind, funny and generally uncomplicated. A lot of boys and men just want to be loved and respected and to do their best. I remember a young ish lad saying to me, that more than anything, he wanted to have his own family. He had an older brother with a wife and baby and he said that would be his dream.
I think so many young men are told how awful men are and it gets them down. They are really confused about how to be good men. Sometimes on MN, the hatred from some posters towards men reminds me of racial hatred in the seventies and eighties. Hating men just because they are men. I remember the hatred towards men and women simply because they were black. Jumping to conclusions about someone based on a single characteristic. It is so dangerous.
I have a thousand school stories about charming, funny young men. Sooner or later they will realise that there are people who will hate them because they are male. They will have to learn not to be too friendly, not to look/stare at women in the street.
I am old so I don’t have any qualms about talking to people . There were a group of adolescent boys outside the local supermarket on their bikes recently . I was unlocking my bike and nattering about bikes to them. They were telling me about A Level choices and apprenticeships. So many young men are delightful. I am always touched that they hold doors open for me and talk to me, an old lady.
I think prejudice and discrimination against a group because of one shared characteristic is really horrible. It makes me frightened for the future and it puts me off many MN posters.

I mean that's all lovely but the divorce rate and the rates of violence against women and girls, and what secondary students report when able to give honest feedback, suggests it's not the norm?

I also teach lots of lovely teenage males but they are certainly some very NOT lovely ones and aspects of our society are very toxic.

Yes. 100% yes
And there are lovely boys being raised too.
Dont give up!

A major issue I think is that adult males may disapprove of their friends e.g. cheating, moving on quickly, dropping the first set of children and then becoming dad of the year to a new set (this is one of the MN things I have seen in real life a number of times... the "crazy ex"), the friends and often the parental grandparents don't call them out on it.

It's not enough to be a decent man all by yourself.

I can only go from my experience in a very average London comp and now, a bit of part time work in a college. Most of the adolescent boys I come across are great. Lots can be lazy if they are not keen on ‘school’ subjects but I bump into so many ex pupils and once they have found a job they are good at, they flourish. I always maintain if you get them talking about their dog or their family or anything really that they are interested in, they love being listened to. I bumped into a lad who was fairly hopeless academically and he was now, as a young man in his twenties, caring for his disabled young daughter. He was magic with her. The mum had left although his parents were very involved.
I do strongly believe that if you give all people a chance and you don’t judge them because of one characteristic, you find most people, male and female are good at heart. I remember and hated the casual racism forty years or so ago. The same lazy, prejudicial attitude to men is everywhere on MN. It is a breath of fresh air when posters don’t take the characteristics of a few and apply them to the group as a whole.

Mine - either that or he is the best liar in the world ever. Either way, works for me as I’m living in blissful ignorance!

I do think it is important to believe girls and young women when they describe how (some) males behave to them.

Yes @Needlenardlenoo but the question posed by the OP is, ‘Are there any decent men out there?’
I am sure there are some bad, bad men out there but to suggest that all men are not ‘decent’ because they are men, is like the racism a few years back. I don’t want to go into that but it was really nasty. Damning a group because of one shared characteristic. I think most young Mumsnetters would be appalled at the prejudice and discrimination around in the seventies and eighties. It is why I feel so strongly about targeting any group and labelling them as the ‘baddies’. It really is so dangerous.

Yes, fair enough, although I don't see that on MN. It's a mostly female space so it centres women in a way pretty much nowhere else online does, for all the good and bad it brings.

You could no doubt find appalling things being said about women on the male dominated spaces.

So my answer is, fewer than there would ideally be.

Of course there are!

It’s a bit like reading this site and asking if there are any decent women about. With all the stories about dreadful mother in laws, alpha women in the playground, bitchy friends, random verbal attacks from ladies at the supermarket - makes you wonder if all women are awful. Oh, wait, no it doesn’t, same with men!

I don’t read the male dominated spaces that you refer to but then I don’t know any men who are very active on line ( my generation I suppose). I do see so much nastiness towards men on MN. Throwaway nasty generalisations.
There was a big study recently about the type of people who post online, ( The study used Reddit). The study analysed thousands of posts and came to conclusions about posters ( it did not specify male or female) who use aggressive, sweary language. I recognised the same type of aggressive angry posters that I come across on MN. It showed the dangers of venting hatred, albeit anonymously, on line. I will find the link to the study.

I think the Research project, I was thinking of was this one from Liverpool University.
https://theconversation.com/people-with-personality-disorders-often-use-language-differently-our-research-reveals-how-271109?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Latest%20from%20The%20Conversation%20for%20December%2018%202025%20-%203623536997&utm_content=Latest%20from%20The%20Conversation%20for%20December%2018%202025%20-%203623536997+CID_5a5f952506c32973c6bfce776faad45f&utm_source=campaign_monitor_uk&utm_term=red%20flags%20to%20look%20for

@Meadowfinch

I think if you aren't in a solid relationship by 35, the chances of achieving that are tiny.

That’s overly pessimistic… Lots of solid relationships start after the age of 35, mine included. I know lots of people who have good partners after that age.

There are a whole loads of reasons relationships break down in mid life, and it’s not purely down to crap men, though there are lots of them about.

There are plenty of toxic women out there too, and any woman who thinks otherwise, and that it’s always, or almost always, the solely man’s fault, probably need to look in the mirror.

Well I learned when we don't always look for things that aren't tall , dark and handsome only, we look for someone who just has more pros than cons and fall in life knowing it will likely last .

Just like many women cheat etc, it's just the way or the world since the start of time

Yeah because it’s not like ‘ugly’ men don’t cheat or try and create opportunities to do so 🙄

For those women who believe a good man is as common as a unicorn, and are generally embittered towards them, then as a previous poster wrote, those good men that do exist will avoid such women like the plague!

Good men have options, like good women… they certainly don’t want to tie themselves to someone who despises, or at least has a very low opinion of, their sex.

There may be very good reasons why some women hate men, where the men in their lives have been abusers or cheaters, but their attitude - even if understandable- will mean they just attract more of the same. It’s a vicious circle.

Well the attitude of many posters on MN, and some on this thread, is that they have a very low opinion of men, even if “hatred” is too extreme a word.

Whether its hatred or a very low opinion of men, “good men” will recoil away from such women, in the same way any woman with decent self-worth would do the same with any man who had a very low opinion of women - I’m not sure why that’s controversial.

I'm single and know many good men.