Are there any decent men?

[Southpaw67]

I don't come on here often but every time I do there's always loads of threads about women being cheated on by their husband or partner. I realise people won't really be on here if they have a good relationship but it's so depressing and very very sad that so many men cheat and lie to their partners. Just be nice to hear of men who don't lie, cheat, use porn etc, etc, surely some exist?!!

But surely if a woman is baffled as to why good men won't date her, that implies that she is looking for a partner, ie she doesn't hate men.

I've watched a lot of men set out to use a woman, have multiple women on the go at once, see them as disposable, a convenient shag. Several who are premeditatedly cruel and derive humour or satisfaction from hurting women. It seems to boost their egos.

I don't think I know any woman who sets out to use men like that.

There are good men out there of course, but there are some genuinely awful & frightening ones, and that is where the sexes differ.

I think if you aren't in a solid relationship by 35, the chances of achieving that are tiny.

This

No. Every man has the potential to cheat if presented with the opportunity. Many of us are adamant our husbands would never cheat. But time and time again it can and does happen.

Incel men also claim they do want partners even though they clearly hate women. A lot of women hate men but see them as necessary to fulfil their goals. They also cant help being straight. Same as incel men. If they were attracted to each other, incel men wouldnt be incels. They clearly have a lot of common values so would make perfect life partners, they just dont fancy each other.

They do for sure I know many, my ex husband is one tbh!

Mine is lovely, couldn't ask for a better DH, especially after a terrible experience with the first one. Second marriage for both of us, together almost 14 years, still very happy. I jokingly tell him I got lucky and that someone else would have snapped him up if I hadn't met him so quickly after he seprarated from his ex!

You're on mumsnet, of course there aren't. You may as well go to a vegan forum and ask about tasty lamb casserole recipes.

There probably are lots of good marriages they just don't do mumsnet and are busy getting on with their lives.

The few bachelors that we know gave up dating in their late 20s early 30s. They don't hate women, just decided it wasn't working for them and settled down to live their lives.

My husband is truely wonderful. Been together 26 years. Tells me he loves me everyday, does everything round the house, makes me little handmade gifts constantly, brilliant father. I just love him so much.

I do agree that most are completely driven by sex but that is probably just biological.

I have not had great experiences with men to be honest but I’m sure many have.

My father was a good man (with demons from the War, but inherently decent). My brother has been with his wife for forty years and is a decent man. So I knew they existed, but it took decades - and three unpleasant marriages - for me to find one. DP is a truly kind and caring man, my life is blessed to have him in it.

In my experience, the vast majority of men are selfish. But, also, still enabled by women to be so.

Just like there are some awful women who use and abuse men . I wouldn’t dream of scamming a man for money but a lot of women do like a lot of men cheat . It’s tit for tat in a way . There’s good and bad in society whether you’re male or female .

This. I have a number of friends who had a wonderful, devoted husband for twenty years+ until he had a mid-life crisis and started shagging a work colleague.

Are there good men? Yes. Are they good 100% of the time? Probably not.

This is absolutely true on an individual level.

But the scale of abuse, sexual assault and violence by men against women is staggeringly larger than the reverse.

Look at crime statistics. Individually, a woman could be as ‘bad’ as a man, yes. But as a sex class, men overwhelmingly commit violent and sexual crime.

Do you think it’s man hating of women to recognise that and for it to cause them to view men as a more dangerous sex than women?

This is a forum partly for support. Those of us with good men and marriages won't be seeking any support so you won't see posts from us.

Good men do exist my husband doesn't lie cheat or watch porn. He has made those conscious changes himself and also by having therapy.

Good men are out there all be it not many. They are also human though with their own baggage/history.

Unfortunately our society doesn't really value or promote good men in many ways. Porn particularly is so normalized its going to take a lot for most Men Who have grown up entitled to change that. I'm not sure a lot of Men see the benefit of being a good man. They are held to a different standard largely unfortunately. They don't face the same consequences.

Biologically some differences I'm sure but actually I'm starting to think it's more to do with gender shaping by society and our ever increasing sexualised society than actual Biological differences.

By in large men are consuming far more sexual content and in different ways to women. It's really difficult to get clear data and research into what a neutral sexual appetite/focus would look like. (Shocker most men aren't willing to give up sexual content for a period of time)

The demographic that Have been observed are sex addicts/porn addicts/ those struggling with sexually compulsivity.
who actually on the whole during their recovery report a sexual appetite that matches their female counter parts. They also feel they were kept in a "dopped up" state when consuming social media for example. As we know the algorithm then shows us more and more of what we interact with.

Unfortunately as we know sex sells, pornography makes a lot for money so this kind of research is unlikely to be funded or encouraged.

Smut doesn't fund an industry based on harm and inequality

But not all men that aren’t decent are violent or sexually abusive?

You can have a man who you wouldn’t trust not to sleep with your neighbour but you would trust not to beat ten bells out of you .

Ive never really had a decent man but I’ve never had a violent man either . My best mate has had a 6ft 7 bloke kneeling on her wind pipe til she nearly died , that’s a very different situation to your bloke cheating on you on a night out .

You can’t say either is decent but for different reasons.

But the constraints on men that used to exist don’t any more. I remember an old boss of mine saying that as a young man the only way her get to have sex with the girl he loved was to marry her. And the risk of pregnancy was always there. Now men don’t have to commit to have sex. And contraception is reliable. So women who are willing to have sex without commitment have led to this situation. Not judging them -they can do what they like, but they can’t then complain that men won’t commit.

Why would anyone want commitment from a man with that mindset in the first place?

And the guy you refer to has just made it very clear as to what he values in women. How ironic considering the topic 🙄

Society encourages men to be selfish and entitled. Are all men? Of course not, but the decent ones need to be aware of that fact, and the impact of socialisation in society. Unfortunately, most men never develop the self awareness necessary for this because they simply have no need to.

But wishing it weren’t so doesnt make it that way😂
.If men can get sex without commitment they will. The monogamous will be snapped up by quality women in their teens-early twenties and not stray.
But if you are having sex with random men they’ll go along with that and not commit.
No prob at all if you don’t want commitment. But just accept that the decent ones won’t be available -they’ll have been snapped up early. The remaining ones are happy with the casual sex.

Are you confusing women who hate men with women who have experienced a relationship with a cheat/liar/cocklodger and no longer want to waste their time with a man like that?

This is proper Andrew Tate bollocks

You’re making an awful lot of assumptions there, least of all about my sexual orientation and marital status 🙄

I’m sure that is true from your perspective, but other people think differently. Also, not everyone is interested in commitment or sex with misogynistic men in the first place.

Hmmm...I really don't think two incel men would make perfect life partners. Can't imagine one of them agreeing to be submissive in a relationship.