Is this it? Alone at 60.

[TheOutlier]

I’ve been divorced seven years. Kids were teens then and I’ve been focused for the past few years on seeing them to full adulthood and keeping everything together. Suddenly I am 60, they are grown and (almost) flown and so it feels like there might be something missing in my life. The divorce was so difficult I basically swore off looking for anyone. Now I would like to meet an eligible bloke but it has always taken me a while to get to know people. I’ve tried a couple of apps, on and off, and have had a handful of coffee/lunch dates but there was no vibe. So no second dates. Oh and one scammer who I luckily realised was married before we ever met. I’m not sure online dating is really for me but how do I meet people otherwise? I’d never marry again but I might like some company.

Scammers, married men, men who claim to want a relationship but actually just want sex/to waste your time. I could go on! I think most people know what the harms and risks of online dating are. You only have to listen to a podcast or two to know that apps are mostly universally despised/not that helpful in getting people into good relationships.

If they were successful there wouldn’t be so many single folk despairing like you see on multiple threads on this site! And so many women unable to find a decent partner.

Take yourself off to Turkey or Tunisia. You'll have no problem meeting plenty of men there. Keep your wallet and bank cards close to your chest though and have a burner phone for contacts 😊

A friend of mine in her sixties divorced met a bloke in Turkey. She still visits him on and off for a bit of fun twice a year. She was burned by scammers the first time around, but knows the drill now! She is very upfront about it all.

I doubt that's what your after, but just saying.....

If they were successful? Are you therefore saying that the women on these apps are unsuccessful because they have a failed marriage? How come the men are losers but not the women?

No, I was meaning if the apps are so successful there would not be so many single folk people around who want to meet someone.

Exactly. The apps wouldn't be a profitable business (or much less profitable) if they were successful at enabling people to find happy and healthy long term partnerships. The apps need as many as people as possible to spend as much time as possible on the app - to make the owners as much money as possible.

Anyway that's a depressing tangent.

Apologies op I forgot to mention that the Cambridge weekends are a bit on the pricy side. I hope you do find a few things to pursue amidst some of the more interesting suggestions on this thread.

So what? Doesn’t mean they’re not suitable, surely!

Personally I don’t date liars so they’re not suitable for me

Walking groups, history societies, bird watching groups, wildlife groups, on line dating Bumble etc and weed them out fast, archeology groups. In my experience I would get out there and do some serious stuff for fun, an OU course, museum volunteering, learn to drive a steam engine.

I met mine aged 50 on Bumble we are interested in all of the above and do them together.

Speaking to young people now the apps are actually a way they meet people too now. They think it's normal. How times change.

Nobody in your walking group is single - but somebody might have a friend who is. Sometimes you can meet somebody through someone that you know. Don’t rule a group out because nobody in it isn’t available. Also someone new and single might join in the future.

This is most definitely not what I’m after. I want a meaningful relationship with a life partner. Not a
scammer or a toy boy/rent-a-boyfriend or whatever.

Not at all. It’s a very bad idea to rely entirely on your partner for company, especially as you get older. Even if you have a partner and a few friends, meeting new people is still a good idea, especially if you are at the point of retiring and no longer seeing work colleagues every day. Obviously it’s better if you can do this as part of an activity you enjoy, rather than something you deem pointless.

I wasn't suggesting relying solely on your partner, but surely it's fairly typical to do something together at the weekend rather than going off separately to do things with a bunch of random people - unless it's an activity you're particularly keen to take part in? I certainly find my coupled-up friends are generally busy doing things together at the weekend. Perhaps they just don't want to spend time with me...

In fairness no-one looks that appealing in a sauna!

I think op, frustrating and trite as this advice might sound, the best choices are things you genuinely would like to do. Historical societies, cooking classes, literature lectures? That way the looking for a bloke bit becomes secondary and you will enjoy it. Having fun makes you more attractive to people, and choosing what you like will bring you in closer contact to men you are genuinely suited to.

I think if you are dragging yourself on walks or round a golf course etc in the hope of picking up a man it can come across that way and it doesn't sound as though you enjoy that.

Remember you are good enough as you are, a single entity. Enjoy being that you, have some fun and things will maybe fall into place. I think its a bit like lots of couples I know who gave up on IVF ... and then fell pregnant once they were not stressing about it.

Maybe 😉 🤣 I often go out on weekends with single friends who are working in the week, whilst DH spends most of his weekends in front of Sky Sports! We do go away together quite frequently though.

I wonder maybe, if you are in the position where the man seems OK (ie no red flags) but there is no obvious chemistry, if it’s worth going for another couple of dates? People don’t always click immediately. Otherwise I would say maybe you just need to persevere, but also follow up other ideas such as the singles holiday or the history groups which you think may interest you. Any new interests or friends you make is a bonus.

I do understand why you would want to try to meet someone though. And also why you wouldn’t want men in the swimming pool or sauna making a pass at you! Not that I can imagine any decent man doing that, and even the dodgy ones must realise that’s a short cut to being thrown out of the health club.

Definitely, bet some of these women come back with an unpleasant souvenir of their holiday!

Eww. It’s revolting, isn’t it? It is a cliche but I would like a soul mate. Thinking ahead to retirement, there are all sorts of things I’d like to do in terms of travel etc and it would be nice to do that with a genuine companion and hopefully romantic partner. But if I don’t find anyone I’m going to do them anyway!

Good for you!

What sort of setting do you work in? I met my DH at work and have over the years been flirted with, met people I liked a lot who I would have maybe hoped for a connection with if I hadn’t already been married/had kids etc.

If you’re leaning into work as the kids fledge and leave, will there be more chances to meet new people related to your work life? Conferences etc?

I’ve worked with the same team a very long time. There is nobody who would be suitable or is free and anyway it’s not really appropriate to mix work and relationships. They are 95% male BTW and all settled down.