Is this it? Alone at 60.

[TheOutlier]

I’ve been divorced seven years. Kids were teens then and I’ve been focused for the past few years on seeing them to full adulthood and keeping everything together. Suddenly I am 60, they are grown and (almost) flown and so it feels like there might be something missing in my life. The divorce was so difficult I basically swore off looking for anyone. Now I would like to meet an eligible bloke but it has always taken me a while to get to know people. I’ve tried a couple of apps, on and off, and have had a handful of coffee/lunch dates but there was no vibe. So no second dates. Oh and one scammer who I luckily realised was married before we ever met. I’m not sure online dating is really for me but how do I meet people otherwise? I’d never marry again but I might like some company.

OP can you afford to take a year out of work? You sound like you’d benefit from an adventure.

It’s not really about sex. If anything I’d be pretty scared of an actual date that led somewhere! I do have female friends I talk to often. It’s the feeling that actually nobody really gives a damn about me. I’d like a significant other. And maybe someone for me to feel thrilled about meeting. For me to care about too. Maybe it is too late. I don’t regret getting divorced. But maybe now I feel I’ve got no home life at all. Also things like holidays - I’ve travelled with friends and that has been good but it’s not like a partner to share the experience with me. A companion would actually be enough but that doesn’t seem to be how life works.

i don’t feel I am a sexy person! I work with a load of blokes BTW, all lovely. But all married or settled and anyway I would never get involved with someone at work because I value my job - I’ve worked with the same team for years. So I suppose I’ve been used to not in any way being flirty towards men if that makes any sense and not seeing them that way. I’m not even sure I know what being flirty entails.

Definitely this.

I'm approaching retirement, ds is off to uni this summer. I've signed up for a hobby course, I do ParkRun, I joined a clay shooting club. Focus on having fun, and someone may come along but if not, you are still having loads of fun.

Of course it’s absolutely fine to want a partner as you get older but it’s really important to accept the fact that there just aren’t that many eligible older men out there and that it might never happen. So having a full single life is crucial and to be happy and comfortable on your own otherwise the risk is settling for the wrong man just to have a partner.

I’ve met three men on dates from dating apps. Two would have seen me for a second date. But I wasn’t feeling anything for them. So it’s not true that there are no men wanting to meet women my age. The one I would have been happy to see again didn’t feel the chemistry for me. Bad luck. I do find the apps completely soul-destroying and as you work your way through the men get further and further away in distance and it just becomes impossible. Then I suppose it gets to me and that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I don’t want to settle for a bad bloke. I feel I’ve made that mistake before.

I’m not a man-mad airhead. I’ve been on my own eight years. It’s a long time.

Dating sites are a jack of all trades. Not ideal and like you say, put you intouch with people miles away.

I would always advocate joining a local group. Local people with perhaps a mutual interest. Perhaps singles holidays. I have a friend who met a guy on a singles holiday to South Africa. They didn't live too far away from each other in the UK. They've been together 8 years.

Just wanted to say I understand, op. I'm younger than you at 47 and happy single at the moment but I relate to the wish for someone to care if I'm alive or dead and just have that special companionship. I can imagine the need potentially getting more intense as I age. Unfortunately I'm disabled so that complicates matters and I'm unlikely to find anyone. Never actually been lucky in love. I had similar experiences on dates where the person I liked didn't like me and vice versa. I'm not sure what the answer is apart from to accept this is how it is and focus on meeting people socially. I hope you find someone.

I hear your struggle OP. I’m in my 40s and have the same problem. I’ve stopped apps or social media, so the only way it will happen now is randomly through life somehow, so the chances are really low. I’d love to experience a healthy functional relationship before time runs out!

Gets pets, join a gym

Can you save up for a solo cruise? or some kind of other travel to lift your spirits and you might meet someone.

Beats me. Im 64 and keep myself looking good. Ive joined every group of interest in town and met no eligible men.
Oh, there was one 10 years younger than me looked 20 years older and talked about himself the entire evening without asking me a single question.

And there you have it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have a cat and I go to the gym regularly.

I’ve travelled with my friends and with my son. I am lucky I can get away at times but of course having company stops me meeting anyone. Yes, maybe a singles trip?

That's a surprise. All the Meet-Up groups I've been to have been comprised of a motley collection of single people. In fact I didn't think people in couples put themselves through the hell of doing random pointless activities interspersed with uncomfortable small talk as I thought one of the big advantages of being in a couple is that you can actually do things you want to do with the person you enjoy spending time with, rather than either doing what you want to do on your own or taking part in above-mentioned pointless activity with other social misfits just to have some company. (Misanthropic? Moi?)

What kind of history do you like? And whereabouts are you roughly?

There are a surprising number of Ancient Egypt / Egyptology societies in the UK and it's a nice community. If you're open to "networking" it can also lead to other related groups and people. There are also fairly regular trips to Egypt or more local exhibitions, events and museums.

If you're within reach of London, then there are societies in Sussex, Thames Valley and Essex which have either a 50:50 in person/online programme (alternating one month in person the next online) or a fully in person programme. I don't know if any of those are near to you, just thinking about societies in a circle around London that definitely have in person activities. There is also the Egypt Exploration Society which has occasional in person events in London, and the Bloomsbury Summer School which has a mixture of in person short courses and study days in London, trips overseas, etc which all have a social element (eg going for dinner or drinks after lectures). Some of the bigger museums also run in person events (eg the Fitzwilliam has creative workshops connected to its exhibits.)

If Egyptology does not interest you at all, I think there is a similar type of community for people interested in ancient Greece / Rome but I'm not as tapped into that.

Obviously I could not guarantee you would meet any eligible men through Egyptology but the more social connections and contacts you have, the more opportunities you have to meet people. I find that when I talk to people at an event or lecture they will often mention something else interesting that they're involved in or another event or trip - and then that leads me to more fun activities and more interesting people. And it is just enjoyable in its own right.

Geology and fossil hunting is another one to possibly consider.

Less Egypt-focused, Oxford Lifelong Learning (Oxford University's department for continuing education) do study days in lots of different subjects. Cambridge University's department for continuing education do residential leisure course weekends. Basically a leisurely lecture series over a weekend interspersed with evening drinks and social dinners.

A cruise is a really good way to meet other singles. The cruise line I went on, there was a specific ‘singles’ club, where solo travellers can get to know each other. Or alternatively, if you’ve got a lot of female friends, might there be someone their husbands know, who’s single, who they could get a date set up for you?

Let me know if you want links to any of those to explore. But I won't be offended if not!

agree That being approached in real life is less likely. I think that online dating has killed that completely. However, the people in the 50+ dating market is probably more likely to do that because they did it when young.

Bumble has a friends mode where you can meet new people.
i agree with a pp that you need new connections. Male or female because you never know who those people can introduce you to.

I think persevere with online dating a bit more alongside expanding with meetups etc. Yes there are some dodgy ones but also some nice ones. You met 3, 2 who would have seen you again and 1 who you would have seen again, so actually not quite hit the jackpot but not disasters! You're far from too old, it does get trickier but have fun looking, just be in less of a hurry.

@userae8375828747 the Cambridge weekends sound interesting - I will have a look for the details. Thanks. I’ll look into the Egyptology. I don’t know much about it but I have been to Egypt and seen the tombs, temples and pyramids. I like a bit of archaeology.

I’m not really in a hurry. For a long time I really did not even want to look! But now it’s the middle of winter, years have passed, and I feel alone. I know it’s not a quick fix.

You definitely don't need to be any kind of expert for any of the Egyptology stuff I mentioned (I'm not). It's surprising how much you can pick up even from casual lectures though.

I'm sure you're capable of finding it but linking because I didn't find it that easy to discover originally: https://www.pace.cam.ac.uk/course-type/weekend-courses/weekend-course-list

If archaeology generally is of interest, might also be worth checking out the Council for British Archaeology.

Thanks. That’s a helpful suggestion. I agree I’m in need of new interests and projects.

The Cambridge weekends look really good and I’ve seen one I’d like to do. Pricey though. But I will give it some thought.