1 year in and he said he thought I was "easy"

[FoamBathPink]

Been together a year now, and it is getting quite serious.

We were reminiscing about the early days of our relationship and he said that he thought I was "easy" given we had slept together early on, and it'd taken time for him to realise that actually he really cares for me deeply. I obviously don't mind if it took a while to catch feels but I didn't like that he had thought this about me. He's never said anything like this before.

We'd met on the apps and chatted for a couple of weeks then gone for drinks / meal, and then gone our separate ways with a hug at the end. Couldn't meet the following week because my friend's mum had just passed away and I needed to see her. He cancelled our next date (also midweek) because he was ill. The next time we met he'd invited me to go to his for him to cook me a meal. That was when we first slept together. We'd been texting and chatting in between the whole time.

So we didn't do that "sleep together on the third date" thing which seems to be very much expected as it was only the second time we had met in person.

I don't know why what he'd said bothers me so much; maybe because I'd been through a "dry spell" of 18 months prior to meeting him. He's slept with more people than me, too.

Then when I think about it too hard I am annoyed because thinking about "bodycounts" etc. seems so ridiculous (and sexist) when we are both 40!

He is not from the UK and does have some funny attitudes towards women, his home country is conservative and Christian. He's been here 20 yrs but sometimes he says things that are really old-fashioned. Essentially I feel that he has shut shamed me.

I am not sure if I want to continue with someone who thinks I am (or was) "easy". Or maybe it was just clumsily worded and I need to move on.

Tia x

Yes he does have quite a sharp tongue and can be cruel and judgemental about people including his relatives, his friends, etc.

His home culture seems very lop-sided from what he has told me: lots of men will have more than one family, go to strip-clubs, visit prostituted women, and the levels of domestic violence are sky-high and it is considered normal to an extent. His dad used to accuse him of being gay because he didn't want to pay for sex. Women are expected to be home-makers, if not remaining virgins till marriage they are certainly expected not to have lots and lots of partners. Women don't tend to drink much but it's alright for men to go out and have beers all the time. Complete double standards.

I am absolutely not getting pregnant again so that in of itself is not an issue, but after writing all of these posts today I am thinking that fundamentally we are probably incompatible apart from in a very surface-level way 😢

It’s isn’t the only comment though. He has made others.

Men like him are not compatible with any woman who has a healthy sense of self respect; at their core, men who hold these views about women do not respect women at all. They do not see women as autonomous individuals with full rights to govern over their own lives, their own joy, and their own sexual satisfaction and desires.

He will slowly chip away at you and ruin your life if you stay with him, OP.

Get out now before you get in any deeper. The longer we stay with losers, the harder it can be to leave.

Honestly OP, your first post doesn't paint him in a great light. The second post makes him look even worse.

I couldn't tolerate this and I wouldnt want these attitudes around my son.

Even if you had sex on the first night you are not easy. If you want to have sex have it, nobody has the right to judge anybody and I hope these backwards ideas die out.

You feel “lucky to have him” but the language barrier is so great that communication is stilted, the primary draw is sex, and you “fancy him lots?”

You’re thinking with something but it’s certainly not your head. You need to change that. I don’t think you’d be considering introducing this misogynist to your children if you had your wits about you.

He's a misogynist.
If he thought you were easy, then by his reasoning that makes him easy too.

Yes giving people the benefit of doubt may not always be the right thing to do, sometimes what they say IS what they mean. Lucky escape for you!

Every aspect of early dating is a filtering and signalling game.

It feels a bit naive to think that any of us can opt out of that.

Not caring about that game, fine. But expecting him to read your behaviour through the specific lens you want him to is unrealistic when you don’t know each other well.

As he got to know you better he realised you weren’t signalling what he thought you were.

That all seems like normal and not any kind of moral failing (on anyone’s part).

Possibly crass to mention it, though.

I wonder how many 'first-date slags' he's slept with in the last year or two. Because, in his head, it's different for girls.

I wouldn't even keep him as a FWB, unless you're prepared for frequent check-ups.

Get out whilst you can.

That's the crux of it really; he absolutely doesn't see himself as "easy", he thinks he is "old-fashioned" but also "a gentleman". Typing it all out is giving me so much ick!! 😣

With his attitudes towards women, I think you’d be mad to let him within a million miles of your children. At all. Ever. It’s bad enough that creatures like the Tates are just a couple of clicks away. Why would you bring one into your home? When your DS get older and start getting girlfriends, do you want this man offering unsolicited advice on how to treat them? Do you want them hearing a casual comment about girls being ‘easy’ when you’re in another room and for them to think ‘well mum accepts this sort of attitude from the man she’s chosen as her partner and let near her impressionable sons, so it must be ok’?

I’d phone him and tell him that you’ve been thinking about his comment and his judgement of you has made you realise that he is not the nice man you thought he was.

That would really give me the ick! It’s like he is devaluing you and saw you as a ‘conquest’

He worded it absolutely terribly, but with respect, you were, and so was he.

I think your gut is telling you that this isn’t someone you want a serious relationship with.

Based on your update, he comes from a background with very nasty and abusive attitudes towards women where the men have (wrongly) massively inflated opinions of their own worth and importance - based purely on having penises. He may be very physically attractive and great in bed, but his personality and attitudes sound seriously flawed in significant ways. For me, personality is a big part of physical attraction. In your shoes, I would be seriously questioning whether i could continue with this.

How do you word it where it is anything but terrible? Especially when it's a double standard because he clearly doesn't apply it to himself.

So many people (women?) on this thread saying he's easy too, like it's an equivalent thing.

Come on! Everybody knows it's far easier for the average woman to 'get sex' - all she basically has to do is put herself out there. For a man to 'get sex' he needs either to be the object of a woman's desires that night or he needs to be sexy, confident and great at chatting up women. And even if he's the latter, he'll still fail half the time.

So yeah, you seemed easy to him at the time - you said yourself you wanted sex and you made yourself available! But then he got to know you and saw the real you, I honestly don't see the problem. If he's a dick generally then ditch him but not over this alone.

No judgement here by the way, I slept with my husband the first night we met. I was easy that night - but the only reason he got laid was I set my sights on him. He'd have slept alone if I hadn't!

Date 2 is pretty quick (on both sides) imo.

I’m not judging and he was an utter asshole for mentioning it.

and does have some funny attitudes towards women, his home country is conservative and Christian. He's been here 20 yrs but sometimes he says things that are really old-fashioned.

I think this is a red flag.

after writing all of these posts today I am thinking that fundamentally we are probably incompatible apart from in a very surface-level way 😢

I hope you stick to this because after reading all your posts he sounds awful!

I'm glad you've now noticed what a prick he is.

He's going to turn into a nightmare.

It's a thought he had 12 months ago which he's not ashamed of or he wouldn't have told her. It's a thought that he probably has every time he hears about a woman who has sex with a man she's only met a couple of times. It's a judgement (unfavourable) about women who have sex with men they haven't known for 'long'. It's a misogynistic thought.

ive Only briefly read the comments and yes this man sounds terrible. Thats why i said i take this comment back

if he was a nice Man and the past 12 months have been a healthy and loving relationship, I personally wouldn’t throw it all away over a comment 12 months prior. Let’s face worst things Happen in relationships than being called “easy” and for me it’s the context he said it in. Loads of people sleep together on first date, probably 90% have the same thought but maybe not voice it.

but reading some comments it does show what type of man he is and it’s not attractive at all. And there’s probably more red flags OP hasn’t shared to make it even worse

How great is MN, for giving you the opportunity to work through the worries and identify the size of the problem?! Writing it down, explaining it, answering questions, clarifies things in your own mind and helps you process how your relationship works.

I’m sorry he’s turned out to be a bit of a dick.