1 year in and he said he thought I was "easy"

[FoamBathPink]

Been together a year now, and it is getting quite serious.

We were reminiscing about the early days of our relationship and he said that he thought I was "easy" given we had slept together early on, and it'd taken time for him to realise that actually he really cares for me deeply. I obviously don't mind if it took a while to catch feels but I didn't like that he had thought this about me. He's never said anything like this before.

We'd met on the apps and chatted for a couple of weeks then gone for drinks / meal, and then gone our separate ways with a hug at the end. Couldn't meet the following week because my friend's mum had just passed away and I needed to see her. He cancelled our next date (also midweek) because he was ill. The next time we met he'd invited me to go to his for him to cook me a meal. That was when we first slept together. We'd been texting and chatting in between the whole time.

So we didn't do that "sleep together on the third date" thing which seems to be very much expected as it was only the second time we had met in person.

I don't know why what he'd said bothers me so much; maybe because I'd been through a "dry spell" of 18 months prior to meeting him. He's slept with more people than me, too.

Then when I think about it too hard I am annoyed because thinking about "bodycounts" etc. seems so ridiculous (and sexist) when we are both 40!

He is not from the UK and does have some funny attitudes towards women, his home country is conservative and Christian. He's been here 20 yrs but sometimes he says things that are really old-fashioned. Essentially I feel that he has shut shamed me.

I am not sure if I want to continue with someone who thinks I am (or was) "easy". Or maybe it was just clumsily worded and I need to move on.

Tia x

Nope I wouldn’t be happy with it . He was calling you a slag, although if he went along with it then he’s one too. Either way I’d tell him you aren’t happy with it and see what he says .

Double standards! If he thinks you were 'easy', then surely that makes him 'easy' by default??? It works both ways!! He invited you to his for a meal, and that usually means a man is, at the very least, thinking sex, could be a possibility. You need to talk to him about his views on women, sex, marriage, religion, children (if that's a possibility) and divorce. What are his attitudes like towards women? What about his family, do they share the same views? For example, if you married/lived together (if he'd do that) would he expect you to do all the chores because you're a woman?? It's things that need discussing more, so you can gauge how life might be for you further down the line.

Think really hard whether you really want yo invest your future into a slur shaming misogynist who sees women in terms of how ‘easy’ a shag they are.

I have a feeling this won’t be his only misogynistic opinion.

Agreed. Is he from the old days?

Exactly - I can only think he did it to hurt her feelings.

OP - I dont think he's as invested in this relationship as you are, sadly. I'd be looking at other potential long term partners to be honest.

This would be only a compliment for you if he thought you are not easy, according to his standards. You have to understand he is who he is and he has lived the first 20 years or more of his life in his conservative, family oriented culture. This man is a gem. If he commits, it will be for life, hopefully

Do this no matter is he Eastern European, Russian, African or American. Men are men no matter where they come from

I agree.
Take a break and have a think about it.

People talking about telling him he’s easy too are spectacularly missing the point about the way these men think. They do not hold themselves to the same standards as women because they do not see us as the same as them.

Tell him you were surprised he was such a slag he’d sleep with you so quickly, but eventually you got past it.

However, now the lasting knowledge of what a prick he is will forever tarnish your judgement of him so you’ll have to call it a day.

You're in for an amazing relationship with this misogynist 👌🏾. Seriously, and at 40 yo too?

It's always the twats who want you to come over to there's on the first or second date that always seem to have these warped ideas as well. It's as if they're testing you, so they can spend the relationship slut-shaming you (or worse if it ends).

BTW, when did it become a thing that you must have sex on the third date? Who makes up these stupid rules?

This is misogynistic. Is he sexist in other ways too?

He's sexist and has double standards.

Do you want that for your future?

What a chauvinist pig. So, he's allowed to have sex on a second date but you're being judged for doing the same?

That would be a massive red flag for me

Thank you everyone for your messages.

I wish I'd had the wherewithall to say that he was easy too, because of course it was a 2 way thing, but I was so thrown by what he'd said, I was kind of speechless.

In all honesty I had been really desperate to get laid and I did feel that it would be good sex due to the chemistry we'd had (and it was, and has been since). So I was kind of expecting that we'd sleep together when I saw him that second time and was looking forward to it.

He was saying he had thought I was easy but then had realised I wasn't due to the big gap in time since my last relationship (which was more of a situationship really) had ended, and the fact that I don't generally do casual sex. I would rather have one set FWB than maybe going out on the pull, because I am quite introverted and awkward and self-conscious about my body.

In terms of his family, they all live thousands of miles away and his parents are both already passed away. So their values will not impact me on a day to day basis. However my DC are both boys and I am not sure what impact his attitude would have on them.

He has said other problematic stuff which I suppose I have been deliberately ignoring or minimising but overall he does have a weird attitude towards women. He has told me he can be jealous and became quite petulant when I was seeing a friend from uni who is male. This friend is due to get married shortly and he said he was glad he was getting married to someone. I was telling him about how I had met my exH as he had been a friend and exH had wanted to get together with me when I was already seeing someone else. There was no crossover as I ended things before I started dating exH but the first thing he said, and the thing he took away from me pouring my heart out, was that I must have slept with 2 different men in a one-month period. When the reason I had told him about this was to show how my exH was a very manipulative individual.

He has also said some weird things about how he can't believe how "tight" I am, despite having given birth. And some other really personal stuff about my vulva and how it looks.

It is weird as he didn't ever date in his home country, he has only ever been in relationships with women from UK mostly and a few from and Western Europe. But I suppose the attitudes he grew up with in his home country were pretty shocking by my standards. He takes very good care of himself in terms of personal hygiene and grooming, which I like, but he also expects things from me, e.g. shaved legs, bikini wax, pedicure.

He's also got a bit of the Madonna/ Whore thing going on where he sees me as this amazing mother who is kind of demure, but also has a bit of a wild side. It is hard to describe it without writing reams and reams.

It has certainly given me pause for thought and has given me the ick, massively.

OP, can I asked - you seem pretty switched on, why do you think you've continued to date him after he's said all that stuff?

I do wonder if it was some kind of test. He's never said anything like this before but it feels now like for him he initially saw me as a potential FWB and it's developed into something further, when for me it was more like, I really fancy him, I hope we can have a relationship, I want to get laid now though!!

I don't personally agree with the three date thing as it is stupid and arbitrary however from doing lots of OLD myself, and having friends also doing OLD, it d was very much does seem to be the socially acceptable time to sleep together for the first time.

Because he is amazing in bed and I fancy him lots... 😅

Also outside of that we do have a really good time together, and I enjoy his company. He is kind. And we like the same music so go to a lot of gigs.

This gets worse. He sounds horrible. Chuck him back.

He should at most be a FWB. He doesn't respect you.

It was a test and couned with the other unpalatable things he's said, he shouldn't have had more than a hello from you.

Of course he's going to be charming and great in bed. If not, you'd have dumped him already. Just be very careful with this one if you're going to carry on. I wouldn't go any further than sex and a good time with that attitude.

So you’re ok to be with a misogynistic slut shaming dinosaur because you get to go to gigs with him - seriously?

“No easier than you dear”

Bloody nerve. Personally I would be concerned about cultural and religious differences if this was going long term.

Essentially I feel that he has shut shamed me

Yes he has and he needs to get in the bin for this and all the other misogynistic comments he has made.

If you are "easy" so is he because he also had sex at exactly the same time as you, having known you for exactly the same length of time he did.

God just dump him already. He may not look hideous, but in every other way he is.

Agree with this.

Keep him as a fuck buddy / FWB. Don’t let him into your life any more than that, and for heaven’s sake don’t have children with him.