1 year in and he said he thought I was "easy"

[FoamBathPink]

Been together a year now, and it is getting quite serious.

We were reminiscing about the early days of our relationship and he said that he thought I was "easy" given we had slept together early on, and it'd taken time for him to realise that actually he really cares for me deeply. I obviously don't mind if it took a while to catch feels but I didn't like that he had thought this about me. He's never said anything like this before.

We'd met on the apps and chatted for a couple of weeks then gone for drinks / meal, and then gone our separate ways with a hug at the end. Couldn't meet the following week because my friend's mum had just passed away and I needed to see her. He cancelled our next date (also midweek) because he was ill. The next time we met he'd invited me to go to his for him to cook me a meal. That was when we first slept together. We'd been texting and chatting in between the whole time.

So we didn't do that "sleep together on the third date" thing which seems to be very much expected as it was only the second time we had met in person.

I don't know why what he'd said bothers me so much; maybe because I'd been through a "dry spell" of 18 months prior to meeting him. He's slept with more people than me, too.

Then when I think about it too hard I am annoyed because thinking about "bodycounts" etc. seems so ridiculous (and sexist) when we are both 40!

He is not from the UK and does have some funny attitudes towards women, his home country is conservative and Christian. He's been here 20 yrs but sometimes he says things that are really old-fashioned. Essentially I feel that he has shut shamed me.

I am not sure if I want to continue with someone who thinks I am (or was) "easy". Or maybe it was just clumsily worded and I need to move on.

Tia x

how vile, I take back what I said earlier. No decent man would ever say this

Your self worth is not where it needs to be. You have already accepted the unacceptable and now you’re getting more. There is a lot more to come.

Tell him he’s a 1940s misogynist with trust problems, no personal insight and a strangely shaped penis and then never see him again.

Invest in yourself.

I think that this is what has happened here tbh. If his English were better I would've realised that he was a bit of a dick sooner. But there have been other language issues too, completely innocent ones, where he has struggled to get his point across so I think I am used to giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe.

Your incident with the photo is exactly the kind of thing I can see him saying and doing, BTW.

Why the thinking face? That one example on its own isn’t that dickish because at the time I thought it was sweet 😂 but by the time I ended things I realised that what he said first was always what he really meant (with the photo thing, wanting to know where I was, who with and demanding proof to make sure it wasn’t another man)

When he said the thing about me being "tight" I was really cross; and asked if he didn't understand how vaginas work. He was a bit taken aback as he thought he was giving me a compliment but he did take on board (I think) that it was not a good thing to have said to me. Though I guess he was still thinking it.

When we were talking and he said that he'd initially viewed me as someone who's "easy" I was so surprised / hurt / shocked I didn't really say much at all, it was a late-night phonecall and I forgot all about it till the next day when I suddenly remembered. I really wish I had said that surely it makes him easy too? but it had left me feeling so surprised I didn't say anything.

Cooking you a meal at his house on your second date is basically setting up having sex. That was what he planned. Fair enough, you clearly wanted it too, but to then call you “easy” for going along with his obvious plan is a bloody cheek!

You have DS - please say he’s not involved with them at all with his misogyny

I bloody would. Not that it's throwing anything away now that he's quite clearly told her who he is.

It indicates quite basic views.

You have at least one child.

Please don't expose them to a slut shaming misogynist with double standards who critiques your gentals.

You're ignoring giant red flags to date this guy.

Aside from dumpable offences of the gross misogyny and double standards, there is something utterly insane about him judging you for wanting to sleep with him!

Good sex and gigs apparently

No he is not involved in DC's lives at all and has never said more than hello once when we were face-timing.

OP, he is devaluing you to make him seem like the prize and you lucky to have him.

i dated someone like this when i was young, thankfully not for very long. By most measures i was the more successful; I earned more, had my own property, had seen more of the world etc and he would find ways to put me down, subtly at first, to make him seem better or feel better, I guess.

He said a similar thing to me about me sleeping with him “too soon” (and it wasn’t even that soon if I recall correctly 🙄) and that made alarm bells ring, because he was putting me down for something he had also done.

Anyway, I got rid and did come to find out he was a very misogynistic, nasty piece of work who had never seen women as equals and probably never would.

I’ll bet if you look back at previous conversations you’ve had, they’ll be other examples of him putting you down &/or belittling your achievements.

Get rid.

Well that's sort of why I am posting here really... Because good sex and seeing some really great music (and a few other cultural things), eating out a lot, that sort of stuff has, until now, kept things quite "light" but since we had our anniversary and in the months leading up to it it's become a bit more serious and I suppose around the one year mark you decide next steps and what sort of future you see for yourselves. That's why we were having the conversation in the first place, because we were looking back over the year we'd spent together.

Are you going to be keeping it that way?

That means you can't progress the relationship. Are you good with dating him outside your home? Will he be ok with that?

I wouldn't date someone like that myself but one of my non compromisable basic standards is equality.

He does come to my house but it is when DC are not here as I share custody of them with their dad. For example we spent new years eve together.
I had been thinking about maybe starting some very low-key introductions later on this year, in order for the relationship to progress to the next stage but his remark has thrown me off kilter somewhat and in addition to this I am now also thinking about other things which he has said that were problematic, to say the least.

Don’t take it to heart. He’s just as “easy” as you were and has a higher body count anyway!
I don’t think it would be a deal breaker for me if everything else is good.

Thank you for this. I kind of do feel lucky to have him, as we have had so much fun together and I can't believe it has been a year already.
But yeah, what he said about me being easy, plus some of the other things he has said, are starting to make alarm bells ring.

I guess because "one whole year" is such a set amount of time it is making me take stock a bit. I really don't want to be with someone who dislikes women or see them as actual people but starting to feel like he categorises all of womankind into weird little sub-sets or something. Good / bad, pure / impure, easy / modest. Not like we are real people at all.

Yup, this. Yuck.

"He has said other problematic stuff which I suppose I have been deliberately ignoring or minimising but overall he does have a weird attitude towards women."

"It has certainly given me pause for thought and has given me the ick, massively."

Sounds like the days of "deliberately ignoring or minimising" are over. Not surprised you have the ick, I would too.

Gross, gross, gross. Throw this one back.

I’ve known guys like this. They’re quite happy to sleep with Western women and enjoy the other benefits (boozing freely, visiting strip clubs, etc.) because they aren’t constrained by community-based shaming.

However, they can turn nasty very quickly and often revert to parental or cultural attitudes, frequently once they’ve trapped a woman through pregnancy. They also have cruel mouths (as you've already found out)

Yes to be honest it does feel like that. Like he gave me a second chance without actually telling me that this is what he was doing. It has just made me feel really uneasy because he has not insulted me / slut-shamed me before. And it was in the past tense, too. He was saying "I THOUGHT you were easy, initially but then I realised you're not and I fell in love with you". It would be easier if he was saying he still had the same opinion of me but he's not. He's saying he changed his mind about me (and actually I am an acceptable level of sluttiness, if I want to be glib about it! 🙃)

You are being handed clues and signposts. It’s up to you what you do with them.

You're only a year in and there's already big flapping red flags you're doing your best to ignore. You want to introduce your kids and by progress, I'm assuming you are talking move in together?

A year in is still the honeymoon period when he's putting his best face forward. And he already thinks he's better than you.

How old are your kids?

I think that progressing to moving in would be a huge mistake that would change your kids' lives for the worse. The best you could hope for was your kids hear misogynist remarks aimed at you and are exposed constantly to the viewpoints of a man who sees women as lesser and would hold a girl child to different standards than a boy child. Your kids would be exposed to sexism and his double standards on sex.

Is good sex and going to concerts worth that?

I am saying this as someone whose mom brought home some nasty misogynists.